Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Dots and Stars

Report cards came out yesterday.  As it is the 3rd quarter and everyone is passing I am pleased.  The kids are doing solid work and really trying hard so I am proud of them.  It got me thinking though that I am glad as a grown up I don't have a quarterly report card.  I have a yearly evaluation at work I guess but I am not graded day to day.  Right?  Then I realized maybe that's not so true in my life.  Truth is my bosses could give me a horrible evaluation and that would be awful but it wouldn't be nearly as scathing as the one going on in my head some days. 
Have you ever heard of the children's story by Max Lucado "You are Special"?  It's a story about Wemmicks.  Wemmicks were notorious for placing dots and stars on people.  If you did well or looked good or had talent you got stars.  If you were awkward, did poorly or were unsuccessful you got gray dots.  There was one little guy, Punchinello, who got LOTS of dots.  He had so many he just kind of stayed away from people for fear of more dots.  He meets a girl, Lucia, one day who has no dots or stars and he asks her why she had no dots or stars.  She says she goes to visit her Maker, Eli everyday.  So Punchinello goes to visit Eli and they have a conversation but there is one quote in there that stays in my heart.  Punchinello wants to know why the stickers don't stick on the Lucia.  And Eli says to him "Because she has decided that what I think is more important than what anyone else thinks. The stickers only stick if you let them." 
Oh I love that.  I so needed that reminder.  These days the gray dots have been so thick on me. No one but me has stuck them on me. They stick every time I compare myself to someone else, try to achieve a standard for myself that's not possible, expect things from my family that are unrealistic. The are so tight around me I can't breath at times.  I have been afraid to go to new places for fear everyone will see my dots.  I thought it was anxiety but now I can see that they are mostly dumb dots. 
So I found Galatians 6:4-5 this morning and it gave me comfort "Don't be impressed with yourself. [I read this and think, Don't think about yourself so much].Don't compare yourself with others. Each of you must take responsibility for doing the creative best you can with your own life."
In this Lenten season I am also reminded that Jesus Christ came to this earth, suffered horribly, died and then ROSE AGAIN so I could have life abundant.  He didn't make me or you to get to bogged down in dots or stars.  He came so that we would be loved by Him and then show His love to others.  I know it seems too simple but that's it.
I'm not going to deny that anxiety and fear aren't real and that all of us deal with that but that's for another day.  I am still processing all that for myself.  Pray for me. :)
Have a blessed day.
"...they only stick if you let them..."
joy

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

cool drink of water

I need to make a disclaimer that first, I have a wonderful husband who ismy best friend. I never want to discount that relationship in my life.  Second, I don't want anyone to think I am "alone" even when I sound "lonely." I am  just a very relational person and also not a very patient person. I want relationships in Florida like I had in Iowa, NOW!  I never anticipated that building new relationships would take time, trial and error and a few other things. I am just journaling this journey in case anyone else goes through these things too.

John 4:10-42 "If you knew the generosity of who I am, you would be asking me for a drink, and I would give you fresh, living water."


The "Woman at the Well." I know there is something Jesus wants to show me through this woman. I think I am close. Here is what I know about this passage.

She came alone. She came to the well in the mid day hoping to avoid the other village ladies. She didn't need their condemning stares; she carried enough guilt on her own. After 5 husbands she was done with marriage but so she opted to "shack up" with the one she was with now.  This was a woman with trust issues and "walls." 

Ok, I get that.  I understand about not wanting to get close to someone because you are afraid of how people will respond to you once they "really" get to know you.  I make up others people's minds about me before I have ever told them my name.  I have their answers in my mind before I ever ask them to do anything.  I am begining to see why I need to take a look at this woman.  

As she was drawing water from the well a man approached her, a Jewish man nonetheless. I can only guess at the trust issues she had with men. I am sure she came trying to avoid the village women but never thinking she would have to deal with a Jewish man who was trying to talk to her there.

How confusing for her as Jews did not talk to Samaritans in those days much less ask them for anything. And men in general did not speak to her unless they wanted something from her.

But she looked at him as she spoke. She saw his eyes seeing her and she knew something was different. But trust is not something that came easily so she questioned him. She questioned why he, a Jew, would talk to her, a Samaritan. She questioned how was he going to carry any of his special "living water" if he didn't have a bucket.

She says to him (and I paraphrase), "Give me some of this water so I never have to come back to this well again." Is she mocking him? Or does she really hate coming to the well? The well was where day to day "normal" business was carried out and on the inside she was screaming "My life is not normal!" The guilt, shame and hiding were becoming too much. She saw no way out.

She tried to steer the questions so she could deflect the attention from herself but Jesus had a purpose in mind for her.

He asked her about her husband but he knew her situation. She just needed to be face to face honest with her Savior. Sometimes we do that voluntarily but sometimes we need to be confronted. Laying it ALL out is the only way to have true freedom. In unveiling her dark past, he brought to light a woman.

My heart hurts for her in this moment. She doesn't know what he will say next. She was used to the tongue lashing, berating words, the scolding that inevitably came. And the people who usually dished that out didn't really know her and the most hidden places in her heart. They just judged her based on her circumstances. What was about to come from this man who seemed to know everything about her?

She tries to figure it out on her level, “Oh, you are a prophet." And then the fast talking begins she tries to deflect this intensity. "You Jews insist that Jerusalem is the only place to worship, right?" I can see her mind in defense mode.

But Jesus uses all her questions and defenses to accomplish his purpose and that's her salvation.

He saw her and knew the truth about her and he loved her. He never saw her as hopeless or too far gone. He knew her potential as a disciple.

And he lays it out simply before her. He says to her "It's who you are and the way you live that count before God....That's the kind of people the Father is looking for: those who are simply and honestly themselves before him in worship."

He is telling her be truthful about yourself. Share your transformation, salvation story. When you are real, it's worship. When you worship, be real.

The woman left and became a witness. She went back to her town and "many of the Samaritans from that town believed in him because of this woman's testimony."

In the end I keep thinking about the woman who reached out to touch Jesus and she was healed and I contrast it with this woman.  I am struck and on my knees thankful that Jesus did the reaching out.  She did not see this coming. 

Have you ever longed for someone to reach out to you?  "Doesn't anyone see me?" There have been times reaching out hasn't always come when and how I hoped for it and that has bothered me. But then, when  I least expect it I am blessed by some one who does reach out, who's following up on a struggle I shared with her, who's called just to check on me, who's invited me to hang out, who has offered me the cool, water of real, authentic, accepting relationship.  His ways are much better than mine. Now if someone could just tatoo it on me so I would quit forgetting that.

Jesus, thank you that you still send people to break down our walls.  It's hard and it hurts sometimes too Lord.  But the reward is great.  Help me to trust you and to let others see what's real in me.  Help me to be a testimony the love and grace you've shown me.  Jesus I am so thankful your water gets into the dry, desert places on my heart and makes a fertile soil for growth and love.  Keep pouring it out Jesus so I can pour it out to others.
refreshed again by the Living Water.....

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

stop and sit with me for awhile

I have had a verse in my mind all month.  “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.  For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” Matthew 11:28-30 (NIV).  In my "old Bible" it's marked as a "favorite verse." 

It's no wonder this verse has been on my heart.  It has been really busy at work.  On top of being really busy while I am there, there are extra hours open and so I feel compelled to work those to.  Why?  Because I work 3 12 hour days a week and I feel a little like a "slacker" so I pick up an extra shift (or 2) each week.  At least that's the answer I give most people.  If you dig a little deeper there's more to it.
Peel back the next layer you will find I come from a long line of hard workers.  It is ingrained in me if you are healthy and able that is what you do, you work.  It's a generational Dutch thing.
Peel back the next layer and you will find I have success at work and that validates me.  People love you when you take care of them, most of the time. Some people will hate you no matter what but then I can love on them in a way Jesus would want me to and isn't that great too?   What a great place to get validated on how helpful, wonderful, caring you are.  Blah, blah, blah.
I work in the ER so my success is quick and my result are fast and I either a) send the patient on to someone else to care for or b) send them home.  Check, check, done!  It stands in stark constrast to home where dishes, kids papers and laundry pile up.  And I feel like I am never done.  My husband and kids have been great about helping and doing things for me and each other but then I feel GUILT because I can't do the "mom things".  Ughhh.  Anyone else starting to see how hopeless I am? 
Go a little deeper and you will see the dark part.  The part that is part greed, part fear.  Part greed because I like a big, fat paycheck.  I like being able to pay my bills when they are due.  I like having some extra to do fun things with my family.  Part fear because I look back to one year ago and that wasn't how it was and I NEVER want to go back there.  So I work and I work and I work some more. 
Here's what's strange.  When we moved here, I didn't have a job for 6 weeks.  I was in this state of dependence and not sure how God was going to work it out but I had to believe it.  He'd brought us down here and I didn't have a back up plan.  And he provided every day and gave us exactly what we needed when we needed it.  Then I got a job and it was part time.  I could work up to full time if I wanted but I had flexibility in that.  I liked being a mom.  God provided.  And I was content.
Then about October I decided to go full time which included every other weekend.  Why did I go full time?  I could say because the insurance was cheaper if I was full time.  But the truth is I couldn't see what God wanted to do with me and I was getting restless so I took over.   I worked. 
So I started full time, then I could work 1 extra day a payperiod, then 1 extra day a week, then "we need help can you come in?" So that's where I am now.  Back where I was a year ago.  Financially better, but emotionally, spiritually, relationally spent.

I have believed every lie. I worked out of fear.  I worked so I could "take over for God."  This is going to sound strange but I sometimes think I need to give God a break.  I owe it to him for all He's done for me. He has so many to take care of and I am highly capable, healthy, and able bodied.  I will work so He doesn't have to worry about me.  He shouldn't have to take care of me all the time. 
You can ask my husband, I am very difficult to take care of.  I don't depend on others well.  I don't ask for help.  I am proud of my independence.  My parents used to say "Joy's so independent."  And that was my badge I wore proudly. 
But in case you think I am a hopeless case I have done a few things differently this time around.  1) I recognized it.  2) I am putting it out there so if you know me and see me on a regular basis you can hold me accountable. Ask me "How's your schedule?" and "Have you taken a rest?" I will do it for you too if you want! 3) I have asked my husband to help me and keep me accountable to not let my schedule get out of hand anymore.
I am also keeping in front of me one of my favorite verses.  Matthew 11:28-30 (The Message) "Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you'll recover your life. I'll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won't lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you'll learn to live freely and lightly."

Thank you for the tenderness of this offer to rest with you.   I am thankful you are not a God who has us on a leash and tugs us this way or that way.  Jesus, I am ready to recover my life.  Today, I am back to walking and working with you.  I have a feeling that you are the counter weight I need to balance this life again.  You are my Jehovah Jireh and I trust you to meet ALL my needs.  Thank you that the "unforced rhythms of grace" mean that I don't owe you anything. All I give to you is because I love you. Thank you for this time to sit with you.  I am feeling lighter already.  I pray that others will find real rest with you too.  Thank you for this Sabbath.   Praise you. 
Thank you for taking the time to sit with me and rest. 
Love you!
joy