Feeling a little like I may need to retitle this blog "Joy's Pit." I don't know if it's shorter days, less sunlight, more long days at work or if my attitude just needs a real adjustment. Let me try and explain with out sounding like the hot mess I think I am.
A little over a year ago I was in a leadership class and I recall many were sitting there because they were trying to figure out what God wanted to do with them. I know I annoyed more than a few in my class because I often times felt like "I got this. What's the problem people?" I had a job I was very comfortable in and had achieved some success in, on the local school board, active in my church, studying the Word, getting ready to share it with my next "audience."
Jump ahead to present day Joy. No clue what I am doing. When I ask God what do you want me to do I get crickets (silence). When I try to volunteer for a couple of things I think I might be good at I get turned down. Crickets.
At first I accepted it as resting. Busy for too long and God sees I need a rest. Now it feels like rusting. I went from needing a break to feeling broken. And it sucks. I am thankful for those of you who can read this and not get it. I am also sorry to those who were in this and I just assumed it was your own deal. I ask, I cry out. "What do you want me to do? I am spinning my wheels and trying but you are not helping me right now! People around me are getting it done. Good things. Put me in coach! I am ready to PLAY." Crickets.
Trying to figure out relationships. Who can I trust? Who should I talk to? Who wants to know me? Who needs a friend too? Do they even like me, Lord? Crickets.
Is it me? Am I too busy, is my world to noisy to hear God? I can usally draw on His word to speak directly to me but now I feel like I am reading about him, a distant story. Is there a problem with me? A sin I need to deal with? What is it? Crickets.
I have been pretty hard on myself. Yesterday it finally came to a head and I was a blubbering mess. This morning I found a piece by Oswald Chambers in My Utmost for His Highest. It seems that I am not the only one who has experienced this silence of God.
"Has God trusted you with a silence - a silence that is big with meaning? God's silences are His answers...Can God trust you like that, or are you still asking for a visible answer? God will give you the blessings you ask if you will not go any further without them; but His silence is the sign that He is bringing you into a marvellous understanding of Himself. Are you mourning before God because you have not had an audible response? (Me-Yes!!)You will find that God has trusted you in the most intimate way possible, with an absolute silence, not of despair, but of pleasure, because He saw that you could stand a bigger revelation. If God has given you a silence, praise Him, He is bringing you into the great run of His purposes. The manifestation of the answer in time is a matter of God's sovereignty. Time is nothing to God. For a while you said - "I asked God to give me bread, and He gave me a stone." He did not, and to-day you find He gave you the bread of life.
A wonderful thing about God's silence is that the contagion of His stillness gets into you and you become perfectly confident - "I know God has heard me." (Me-Still working on that!) His silence is the proof that He has. As long as you have the idea that God will bless you in answer to prayer, He will do it, but He will never give you the grace of silence. If Jesus Christ is bringing you into the understanding that prayer is for the glorifying of His Father, He will give you the first sign of His intimacy - silence."
Please note the emphasis are mine and the italics are my responses.
I am trying to learn that it I need to be comfortable in the silence. I need to trust God runs on a divine plan, not my time. I remember the psalmist said "Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD." Psalm 27:14. Patience and waiting are not my friends. This will be a time of trusting Him that He does have something planned for me.
I am learning in my prayer time I need to work on my silence so that I can just listen. I love to talk, I love music in the background. Silence is VERY hard for me. God promises in Isaiah "Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you saying "This is the way; walk in it." But I need to stop talking and start listening. Stop doing and start listening. He's saying to me "Get comfortable in this, Joy." I am waiting for the BIG thing and the BIG answer. I am remembering what Elijah learned "A hurricane wind ripped through the mountains and shattered the rocks before God, but God wasn't to be found in the wind; after the wind an earthquake, but God wasn't in the earthquake; and after the earthquake fire, but God wasn't in the fire; and after the fire a gentle and quiet whisper." A person has to be quiet to hear a whisper.
Pray for me. This looks to be a big challenge for me. Thank you sharing this journey with me. I pray that when God seems quiet to you that you will remember something of this and God uses it to help you too.
peace to you,
joy
