When your child's not like the others...

Let me tell you about my daughter.  She is the only girl with 3 brothers.  She is a blond haired, blue-eyed, tall, and beautiful by the world's definition.  But as beautiful she is on the outside she is 100 times more beautiful on the inside.  She is loving, kind, empathetic, caring, giving, sweet by nature.  She makes friends everywhere she goes.  Others are drawn to her sweet light.
And this morning I sit here in tears for her.  As a mom one of the hardest things to hear is "Your child isn't like the other kids."  To keep in in perspective, she's not sick, she doesn't have an incurable disease.  I know parents who have dealt with far worse with their kids.  I know that.  My head knows that.  For some reason, after a meeting with her teacher this morning my heart hurts.
She has a language processing disorder, which basically means she doesn't process words spoken or read, the way a "normal" child does.  From kindergarten through 2nd grade a child learns to read, after that they read to learn.  If they are not processing well they fall behind pretty quickly.  She also has trouble knowing that her addition facts are the same every time and don't need to be recalculated.  She has memorized very few.  She has NO confidence in math.
I am hearing the teacher talk about "academic services" in addition to the speech/language therapy she gets already.  And words like "resource room,"  "held back," "special needs," fly through my head.  And I get scared.  I don't want this for my daughter.  I want her to fly through a passage and answer all the questions correctly.  I want to be able to ask her "What's 2+3?" and have her answer "5" confidently every time and not "4" or "2" or wait for her to do it on her fingers.
And because I am a mom I take all of this on me.  I go clear back to when I carried her inside of me.  I should have taken the stupid vitamins. The grief and stress I felt after dad died and my increased cortisol levels affected her developing brain.  Didn't I talk to her enough as an infant?  Was I so sad I forgot to?  Did I work to much?  Did having her younger brother born 20 months after her affect hinder my ability to monitor her development?   Did she have a good daycare?  Did she spend too much time in daycare?  Was it too much time in the car going with me to work 45 minutes each way?  Too much TV?  Should the fact that she could not remember her colors until preschool clue me in to a bigger problem and was there more I should have done then?  How long did she have hearing loss before she finally got tubes?  How long did she have loss before she got the 2nd and then 3rd set of tubes?  What could I have been/done differently so that my sweet girl would not have to struggle now?   My heart breaks.
I know I can't change the past.  I am scared and intimidated when I look at all the time and resources she is going to need to hopefully get caught up.  I believe a lie that I have failed miserably thus far, how can I help her at all going forward?  I am not equipped.  I don't have time to devote one on one with 3 other kids that need my attention after school too.  How am I going to do this?  I can't.  Right?
The Truth:
Whatever I have, wherever I am, I can make it through anything in the One who makes me who I am."  Philippians 4:13 The Message
I don't feel it right now but I have to believe that God who made me and made my girl didn't make a mistake in how how he made us and he didn't make a mistake giving her to me to raise.  And she and I can and will make it through any thing.  I will remember all the wonderful things he made when he made her.  I know he will use that heart of gold for his kingdom.  My job is to protect that spirit.  To show her and build on the strengths she has focus less on the weaknesses.  
I would covet your prayers for strength, wisdom and patience as we navigate through this.  Thanks for hearing me this morning.  
Blessings,
joy

Love lessons....

An open letter to my sweet nephew and his girlfriend who became engaged a few weeks ago,

I am sad to not be closer to share in all the planning and engagement festivities.  Know you are close to my heart and this is my attempt at giving you what I would give you over time if I were closer but now you get it all in one big letter.

I am so excited for you guys.  Marriage is fun.  It is great to have your best friend with you all the time.  It is so cool when, after you have been married a few years and you think you know every thing, you are still discovering new things about each other.  Your spouse is like a lifetime gift you get to unwrap everyday.  (Cue the hearts, cherubs and rose petals.) 

After 16 years of wedded, perfect bliss, I deemed myself the one to dole out unsolicited advice. You are welcome.  :)  So what do you need to know so you can have the perfect marriage like mine?  

Riggghhhht....ok, so not perfect but after 16 years we are together and that says something right?  And regarding that lifetime gift? Well, most days it is, but sometimes it's like a Uni Bomber package that has caught you unaware.  So in my effort to save you some struggles, cause you know I hate to see you hurt, here's a few things I have learned.  

First of all, EXPECTATIONS.  Expectations, everyone has them.  The dance, the success, comes in our ability to acknowledge them and to express them.  A small scale example:  I come home and the house isn't what I would expect it should look like and I am mad.  It was MY expectation that the sink would not only be empty but scrubbed clean, all messes would be picked up and the floor would be spotless.  However, if I do not express what "clean" is to me.  My husband is left to guess and do the best he can with what he feels clean is.  A wise counselor told me once to use the phrase "I need..."  It is how I acknowledge that I am not communicating what my expectations are and that I am getting frustrated at Steve's lack of mind reading skills.  As couples we don't have expectations just about household chores.  They are everywhere from how to hang the toilet paper, to what we are doing on Friday night. to how much money we save, to how much sex we have, to how our kids are raised.  EVERYONE comes into a marriage with their own life experiences and a vision with what life is going to look like.  That's fine but remember the other one in the marriage has done the same thing.  And when those visions clash, that's when conflict starts.  Every time you become frustrated ask yourself, is this an unspoken expectation that is not being met for me?  If the answer is yes, take a deep breath and a time out and figure out how to best express that expectation and what (if anything) your spouse can do.

Which brings me to my next point.   Here's the deal.  Steve and I have had our struggles.  From our own baggage prior to marrying, to postpartum depression, to losing his mom and my dad within a month of each other, midlife career change,  financial issues,  moving 6 people 1300 miles from everything we all had ever known and everything in between.  Through the power of Christ, an extremely supportive family, a gifted counselor and good friends we are still here.  I wish could tell you one thing that Steve did to change to make me happy and make our marriage work but I can't.  The change came within me.  The change came one day when suddenly realized I was fighting what God made him to be.  I was fighting who he was to the core and that wasn't going to change.  I was fighting good things (passion, loyalty, a strong work ethic, a need to provide for his family) but they didn't line up with my expectations or vision about what I thought life should look like so I fought them.  When I could finally take a step back and see my selfishness.  When I could stop comparing him to others and our marriage to other marriages.  When I could set down my pride and need to be right.  I could then see the man God made for me.   I could see him in a whole new light.  And that's when change came.  Lesson learned:  Quit trying to fix the other person when it is actually yourself that probably needs to change.  

As a husband, Steve is great.  He does a lot of things really well, however, if I could pick the one thing he has done consistently well since day 1 is call me "Beautiful."  Every day.  Now that was appropriate a decade and a half a go in my wedding gown with my hair just so and a body of a young 20 something.  That was before 4 kids, gray roots, and a slllooowwweeddd metabolism.  Yet he still says it and I usually say something like "I am glad you think so" in a self deprecating way.  But inside it makes me feel really good.  Affirm each other.  

Faith...you gotta have faith...it's true.  You need to have a shared faith. You need to have a faith you can share with each other.  Be able to pray for and with each other.  I am telling you there is NOTHING more powerful to draw you closer.  For each marriage that looks different.  Accept what works for you guys. Don't try to be what others expect or you think others expect.  But don't accept that nothing is ok.  Be involved in a community of believers who will be able to walk along side of you in good times and bad.  The ones who will step in a pray for you.  The ones who stick around in the tough times because they aren't afraid because know how big God is and will be able to keep showing you his love.  Start where you are and commit to grow closer to each other and to Christ.  

That's the highlights.  Of course you know, I am an open book and I am honest to a fault.  I am here for you to listen, pray, encourage, whatever you need.  

Love you!

Your loving, cool, and most awesome Aunt,

Joy

 

The "but what if's" and me

I have quote a favorite quote by Malcom Muggeridge:

“Every happening, great and small, is a parable whereby God speaks to us, and the art of life is to get the message.”       

I really do believe this quote.  The problem is that it can make me CRAZY sometimes.  I believe some of the ways God teaches me are the way he blesses me, in the small things that make me crazy and in the decisions I make.  When it comes to major (read-expensive, long term) decisions, I am pretty deliberate in laying things out before him and waiting seeking Him for confirmation that this is the right idea, decision, choice.  However, I am an over thinker and this can get a little muddy at times.  

I have a situation going on in my life right now that is driving me NUTS for this very reason.  I'll try to explain it without taking up pages and pages of web space.  

About 1 1/2 weeks ago, my area of the world seemed to be in line for a pretty good sized hurricane.  This would be our first since moving to Florida and we were still trying to wrap our heads around this and get preparations made should this actually hit us.  When the storm was about 4-5 days away, I had a night where I literally could not sleep.  I have a bad habit of searching the net on my blackberry for what ever question I have.   On this night, I was searching "preparing for a hurricane."  In my search, I thought to myself  "Maybe we need a generator."   So I searched Lowe's, found one that was a reasonable price and fell asleep.  I woke up the next day, dropped the kids off and went straight to Lowe's. On the way, I said  a quick prayer asking God to show me what was best.  I wandered around, found the generators, but alas they were all the huge ones that could power a football field. Sigh.  But wait, I turn around and on a cart was the exact generator I was looking for!  "Do you have any more of those?"  "Yes, one more."  A sign!  At the end of the aisle he sat with a beam of fluorescent light shining on him.   As I spoke the young man who would help me out with this beast, he informs me he had lived on the beach his whole (short) life and he'd never lost power.  Really?  A little bump in my sign but still undeterred.  

Let me back up a few days to me telling my darling husband "We need to save some money, so no major purchases this week."  

I was feeling a little guilty about this expensive impulse purchase even though my husband was very supportive (after he reminded me of my saving money comment) and agreed we needed this thing.  I went home, remembered a little monitor dealy-thing-a ma-gig that needed to be returned to Lowe's and an expired Lowes 10% off coupon.  I told myself I wouldn't have brought the coupon in if I wasn't going back anyway for the return.   On the way there, I asked/told the God of the Universe "What am I doing?  Are you planning to humble me here?  Am I going to look like an idiot asking for an expired 10% off an item I already purchased?  So be it." I felt so compelled I just kept going.  Well, I didn't look like an idiot.  The girl at the desk said she couldn't use it because it was over a month expired.  Then she paused and said "Unless you put up a fuss and ask to speak with the manager."  I looked at her and said "I'm fussing? Is the manager available?"  She called him he said "Go ahead."  And that was it.  

So I leave feeling blessed, secure in God's hand and prepared for what ever blows our way.  Fast forward to 3 days later, this hurricane turns and heads north and those poor people are still without power.  

This seems like a no brainer right?  This was a good decision. A blessing.  Right?  

Three days after this storm does not hit us I am looking at my pending pay check and realize I am short on hours because I didn't submit vacation time for a day I was off (I was so distracted by the stupid hurricane news I never thought about it).  AND the amount I am short is the price of that stupid generator. (Are you noticing how the love for the blessing of the generator has changed?) So I am seriously questioning myself and my ability to hear God.   I want to return that thing so badly (I have 30 days).   It sits in my garage and mocks me every time I pull in.  I ask everyone I see what they think I should do.  Most say "Keep it.  You'll need it...eventually."  And they all go back the storms of 2004-SEVEN years ago!!!  And that was a once in 100 year freak season.   I figure I still have 93 more years before I need this thing.  Can you tell this is killing me?  I am calling this a bad case of the "but what ifs." 

Return the generator "but what if"  we get a hurricane in 2 weeks?  It's supposed to be an active season.  If we go without power and don't have a generator it will be all my fault. 

Keep the generator "but what if" our car breaks down or another unexpected expense comes up and we don't have any money for it?  

I am quite good at this game and I can play it all day long.  I can apply it to any number of situations.  I have done it a long time.  I know it's name.  In my world it's called FEAR.  Fear can be called lots of other things-lack of trust, anxiety, unbelief, my imagination.  Fear causes my heart to pound, blurs my actual circumstances and my focus is on the "what ifs."  The next thing that happens is I doubt.  I doubt God, his presence, his love.  I doubt what I know about him, what I believe.  At this point I begin to try to control and calculate my circumstances. I wrap my arms around everything and it becomes "Mine!"  Which quickly leads to the next curve ball, Fear throws past mistakes in to my face and makes me believe its my future.  

Jesus and I have been walking together for quite awhile.  I count it a blessing that I am able to name this, even if it sometimes takes me awhile.  After I name it,  I know what I need to do.  Obviously, this is a battle I am fighting, and in Ephesians, it says that the sword of the Spirit is the Word of God.  I need armor for protection but when I am in battle I need a sword.  Where do I start in the Bible?  Sometimes I just open up the Psalms.  David dealt with the same stuff we do and he knew how to lay it out.  I also go to the back of my bible in the concordance and I look up "fear," "afraid," "anger" or "money."  What ever I am dealing with at the time.  Then I look up the verses associated with it.  Another great resource is www.biblegateway.com.  If you know a piece of a verse but aren't sure of the rest, you can plug it in and search for it.  Or you can search a word and it will give you the verses where that word or phrase appears.  I just searched "afraid" and I was reminded again how often God has to say to his people "Don't be afraid...."  he then follow those words with any number of reasons to not be afraid.  "Remember how I was with you before?"   "I will fight for you."   "Judgement is mine" and He goes on and on and says it again and again.  

So through this "happening," this generator, this metaphor for my whole life,  God is still trying to teach me.  "Don't be afraid.  Stop trying to figure this out.  I will make it clear in my time, not yours."  God would have alot less trouble with me if he gave me the ability to see the future. :)  My trust issues will have to be a whole other post.  

Oh, and as I went to BibleGateway's home page, their verse of the day (chosen especially for me) is:

“This is what the LORD says— your Redeemer, the Holy One of Israel: “I am the LORD your God, who teaches you what is best for you, who directs you in the way you should go.” Isaiah 48:17 NIV

Ok, Lord, I am hearing you...Surrender...Rest...Listen...Wait...Don't be afraid...Trust.  

Can't do it without you Jesus. 

joy