Not forgotten...

The last post I did for those facing a difficult Christmas season.  It was a helpful blog for me to sort through, yet in spite of it I still found myself in a funk and just sort of getting through it.  I didn't want that but that's just how it was.  In the middle of my pit I could not see exactly what was bringing me down. 
If it was homesickness and the ache of hearing the sounds of "I'll be home for Christmsas..." I could deal with that.  That seems "normal."  No this is an area I would have formerly put in the "weak" or "lame" or "pathetic" category and it is Lonely.  Much different than being "alone."  I have gotten used to "alone" and adapted to it.  Lonely is when you want to have a connection with someone so bad it almost hurts.  My husband gets a little offended when I talk about this as he feels I am not alone unless I have him and the kids around.  This is true and probably speaks to my need to be more content with the blessing of my family.  But here's the deal, it's kind of hard to not ask myself, "We have been here 10 months and I don't know if anybody here would call us "friends."  We have people we hang out with occasionally.  People that we work with and like.  But not sure who I would call in a crisis if I needed help.  Am I a loser? 
This came to a head on Christmas Eve as I muddled through Christmas Eve service longing for the familiar of our church in Iowa, asking myself when is this going to feel like home, when am I going to stop comparing and appreciate this?  And then the ugly thought that all these other people have family and friends to go to and out I go with my family, alone.  I didn't even have Christmas Eve dinner prepared.  My sweet husband was thinking Chic Fil A would be open and I was hoping for Chinese.  Neither one worked.  After we opened presents I was so entirely drained that when the kids acted up a bit I called off the going to look at Christmas lights and hot cocoa-our family tradition.  
Christmas Day was at Walt Disney World along with a million other people doing their own Christmas thing.  It was actually a really good place to be that day. 
I could not have verbalized any of this until 2 evenings this week we were blessed to spend them with some Iowa friends.  The filing I received in my spirit was very sweet.  One person noted the alll the hugs and she was right. If you come down here I will hug you to death. This time of year has me so starved for the familiar that I was chatting up the family in the Iowa sweatshirts on the tram at WDW like we were old friends-until the little girl threw up on my son and I's shoes.  :)
God made us to be in relationship.  I know that is true.  But as I search my Bible, what keeps coming up is the call to turn back to God to meet all my needs.  I need to know that I am not forgotten even when the enemy wants me to believe I am. This has become a spiritual battle. And my weapon is the "sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God" (Ephesians 5:17) I remember I am not forgotten -"I will not forget you! See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands..." (Isaiah 49:16).  I am loved so deeply by the God of the Universe “I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with unfailing kindness." (Jeremiah 31:3).  I am not ever alone.  "If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there. If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast." (Psalm 139:8-10)
The reality is that relationships take time to develop.  Patience is not my strongest suit.  God has shown up and showed me I am not alone. He has shown me His love in the sweetest ways.  It is those moments I have clung to in the middle of all of this.  I want to conclude with a little story. 
I work with another nurse, that over the course of time God has allowed many conversations to occur about faith, prayer and end times (her favorite topic).  I try to tell her that I am not worried.  My salvation is secure.  We talk about church and her aversion to going.  (Please pray as I navigate that as well)  We also have talked about angels and our common belief.  I gave her a Christmas book to read about angels thinking a) she would like this and b) she needed to read something different than end of times stuff.  And I told her that.  She returned the book the next day with a gift wrapped in red tissue paper.  She shrugged and said it wasn't a big deal but believe me when I tell you it was a very big deal to me.  You can see a picture of the gift below.  I touched my heart so much as it is exactly the kind of ornaments my dad used to make.  And right away the feeling I had was "See, you are not alone. I have not forgotten your heart. You are loved"  I love the moments when my Heavenly Father sound very much like my earthy father. 

So that's it.  Full circle again.  Thanks for walking with me.  Hope I haven't made you too dizzy. 
Praying for a blessed new year,
joy

An open letter to anyone for who Christmas is different this year...

Dear Friend,
I am not writing this to be preachy or Bible thumping.  I am writing you this letter because I have experienced a December when my dad was diagnosed with cancer 1 week before Christmas and 3 Christmases later I faced Christmas with out him, my husband was laid off at every Christmas for the past 3 years, and now Christmas in an entirely different state from my mom and my sisters and their families.  Part of this is sharing what has brought me through and part of this is keeping me together and focused on the Main Thing this season. 
Christmas is different this year isn't it?  Someone or something is missing.  Loss and change hurt all the time but it hurt especially so this time of year, regardless of how the loss occured-death, divorce, a move. Maybe you are in a different place physically, mentally, financially, emotionally than you expected to be.  Maybe you are in this place because of your choices or maybe you had no choice whatsoever. All of these circumstances make us look at Christmas last year, compare it to this year and wonder "What happened?"   Everything is different. 
Now what?  Honestly, I don't know.  I was hoping someone could tell me. :)  It's at moments like this that I have to go the Truth. 
My favorite scripture to remember this time of year is Isaiah 61.  I heard it once referred to as Jesus's job description.  We so often focus on baby Jesus this time of year and that is awesome.  We remember that because it  shows Jesus came as a man.  He experienced life on earth as we have.  He faced the same things we do.  But don't forget the "Why did he do it?"  The first few verses of Isaiah 61 sum it up best. 
"He sent me to preach good news to the poor, heal the heartbroken, announce freedom to all captives, pardon all prisoners. "
I think that summarizes what takes away our joy at Christmas doesn't it?  The enemy tries to convince us every day and especially every day of December, that Christmas is for the happy, the well off, the well connected, the put together, the perfect.  But if that's all there was, there would be no reason for Jesus to come.  Jesus came not for the face on our Christmas card pictures, but for the struggles that we would not even consider putting in the Christmas letter. 
"God sent me to announce the year of his grace— a celebration of God's destruction of our enemies— and to comfort all who mourn, to care for the needs of all who mourn in Zion, give them bouquets of roses instead of ashes, messages of joy instead of news of doom, a praising heart instead of a languid spirit."
Grace-God's greatest gift. Unmerited favor. The gift of salvation not based on who we are, what we do right, how much we give or what church we go to.  A gift only worth something if you receive it, open it, experience it.  It's not a gift to set on a shelf to observe and study.  It's a gift to RECEIVE!  Grace destroys the enemy because it takes away the "You are not good enough" argument.  Grace doesn't just cover some of our sin, it covers ALL of it.  Romans 5: 17-18 says it well: "If death got the upper hand through one man's (Adam's) wrongdoing, can you imagine the breathtaking recovery life makes, sovereign life, in those who grasp with both hands this wildly extravagant life-gift, this grand setting-everything-right, that the one man Jesus Christ provides?"
Now that's a message of joy. Wipe off thoses ashes of guilt, receive the bouquet of "grace roses" He is giving you right now. 
Rename them "Oaks of Righteousness" planted by God to display his glory.   Isaiah 61:1-4 (The Message)
A new name.  If you read this blog, you know how much I love this about God.  God takes those called "poor", "broken hearted", "captives", "prisoners" and renames them Oaks of Righteousness.  An oak with deep roots, who has been tested and withstood the winds of trial, by God's grace.  An upright oak with branches that point up to the One who gets the glory.  A strong, mighty oak who will be able give strength to someone else when they are hurting in a similar way- "....so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God." (2 Corinthians 1:4). 
This, to me, is the most important part. December 25 willl come and it will go and life will get back to "normal."  You will get through it. But do not "waste" this struggle you are going through.  Don't just endure the season.  Don't forget it.  Open your eyes and see that He is carrying you.  Don't miss those who are coming along side of you.  Don't forget the "God sightings" (some call them coincidences, I disagree). These are God's way of showing you He is right there with you in the midst of all of this.  Remember it, write it down if you have to and put it in your box of Christmas decorations for next year.
And in 2011 use it to comfort others.  Tell others and give God the glory.  Praise him.  Thank him. 
Jesus, I want to lift up my friends who are hurting. Help them to lay their pain before you. Comfort them.  Give them peace.  Show them your love and grace in real, tangible ways, Father.  Surround them with people who can comfort as they have been comforted.  Help them to start to feel the strength of the mighty oak.  Only you can give this Jesus.  And only because you came to this earth 2010 years ago.  Thank you for the gift of You. 
joy

Mary and Elizabeth

 Mary and Elizabeth. I was reading a small devotional the other day that talked about how Mary went to Elizabeth because she was another woman in a similar circumstance. It emphasized the importance of relationships for women and how we should have those relationships with other women like us-young moms, working moms, bible study ladies, etc.


For some reason, that just isn't landing right with me or my experience in this season of life. Don't get me wrong. I have, in the past, been in those mom's groups, had a fabulous group of women to work with who shared similar struggles and joys, discussed the Bible with amazing women. On top of all that I have been blessed with an AWESOME family of 5 sisters and we are definitely bonded by family ties. But I think what keeps us close is our ability to share what God is doing in our very different lives. Which brings me to my point.


The ONLY thing Mary and Elizabeth had in common were their pregnancies and the hand God had in them. OK not a small thing. But they were different. Mary was a poor young girl from a tiny town. Elizabeth was married to a priest with high standing and she was OLD.


They were so very different from each other but Mary still ran to Elizabeth because of what they shared in common. They saw beyond their differences and bonded over what they shared.


My "support" here is diverse and eclectic. When you are building a new network of friends you are not able to say "Well, before I had this friend and she looks like a good replacement for her." It doesn't work. Trust me, I've tried.


I tried to find a nice Bible study that would give me a nice group of women to replace the ones I lost. In the ER, you work with lots of different people and so each shift is different and you could be the only female on your team. So that is a poor replacement for my all female work team of 12, most of which were moms too. No way can I "replace" friendships I've had since childhood. Replacement isn't what God is asking for. No, again God has another plan-a new thing.


Sometimes God puts people in our lives that when we first meet we think we have very little in common because of what we see on the outside. But I have been blessed with the surprises that in time once you get to know them and their heart you find you have more in common than you thought. And the in the differences are fun discoveries and things to learn.


And like Mary and Elizabeth, hope and joy is shared. Support is offered. Memories are made. A safe place is found.


Jesus, you know making new friends is not the easiest for me and you have made it so much easier when I was finally able to open my eyes to see who you’ve put around me. Help me to be a good friend, Father, to my precious old friends and my new ones.

Trying to be a friend who loves at all times,
joy

Grace

I am, finally after 8 months, sitting on the beach with my Bible, my journal and
a commentary. Why it took so long to do this turns out to be the real reason
God brought me out here under the guise of a "spiritual retreat." The best way
I can put it is "Sometimes God tricks me to get me somewhere so I can deal with
what I have been avoiding for a long time."
About a year ago, maybe more I was sitting in my Iowa pastor's office and for some reason I was thinking about reaching out & I was sharing that I did a search and the only time I could find those words in the Bible was when the "woman with blood"  in Mark 5 reached out and touched the hem of Jesus's robe. I thought that was weird but I felt like my pastor knew that it was significant. So I always pay attention to that story and I was reading it again today on my "retreat" along with a commentary.
The story goes on to say Jesus feels "power gone from him" and He calls her out. See, it was an act of tremendous faith on her part to believe that just touching his robe would heal her but Jesus took it a step further.  My commentary said He did that because He knew she needed the personal, face to face encounter with him. I love that. 
Then do you know what she did? I always remembered that he blessed her and sent her away. BUT when I reread it again today I realized that she first told him her whole story-Mark 5:32 (the msg says it best). It is significant!
Here's the backstory:  I loved Psalm 18 especially verses 20-24 in the weeks before we left Iowa. "God made my life complete when I placed all the pieces before him."  See, we went through some really difficult, gross financial stuff as a result of wage cuts, layoffs and unwise decisions on our part.  We were so embarassed by it, but at the time I felt God wanted me to be honest and share with those closest to us exactly what was going on. I didn't want people to think we "ran away" when I knew they would find out eventually.  Some felt the need to respond with kind words and that was sweet.  Others said nothing because either (a) it didn't matter to them, we were the same people or (b) maybe they were disappointed in us.  I don't know.  But the whole thing is a black cloud and the enemy has used it to shoot arrows of lies at my core.
Fast forward to today and my "spiritual retreat." I was reflecting on the reasons in my journal "Why has it taken me so long to do this?" And the first thing off my pen was "Because it's a luxury I don't deserve."  The reason I haven't been out here to the beach to retreat and why I cringe when my husband posts on facebook about the current temperature or about the beach or some other cool thing we are doing is because I believed I/we didn't deserve it. When this started to hit home and in the time of processing all this and I wrote in my journal "How does Jesus see it?"
Back to Mark 5. After she lays it out to Him, He says to her (and I am just now soaking this in & the tears are streaming) "Daughter you took a risk of faith & now you are healed and whole. Live well, live blessed. Be healed of your plauge." Wow. 
He wants me to enjoy this place.  He wants me to realize we live in a great place and are blessed and THAT'S OKAY.  Grace is getting what I don't deserve. I am so thankful for the grace Jesus gives me everyday.
Thanks for hearing me again.. :)
Grace to you...
joy

Blessed and Highly Favored

I will just start with saying I am typing this with no idea of how it will end (not unusual) and I feel exteremely "unqualified" to discuss this but the Spirit keeps pushing so here I go. 
"Blessed and highly favored"-I honestly have never heard this phrase used in "everyday life" until I moved down here.  It is a familiar phrase to any of us who know the Christmas story "And the angel came in unto her, and said, Hail, [thou that art] highly favoured, the Lord [is] with thee: blessed [art] thou among women." (Luke 1:28 KJV).  So that's my paradigm from where I see this phrase, it's what the angel told Mary before he dropped the big news.  Her response to the angel (after feeling troubled by the greeting then some questioning) was acceptance. 
Shortly after I started my job down here, I was walking through the halls and I approached a house keeper and, as I try to do, I smiled and said "How are you?"  as I was walking on by.  He stopped what he was doing and in his Jamaican accent he said "I am blessed and highly favored.  How about you?"  Ok so now I slow my steps and my smile turns forced/polite. He goes on to tell me he told a surgeon the same thing one night in the parking garage and the man wept.  (My honest thoughts? "Yeah right.") And then he says again "How about you?" And I think I said something like "I guess so."  And it stuck with me and honestly, I kind of tried to avoid him or eye contact with him again, especially if in the moment I wasn't feeling very blessed and highly favored.  He was not around when things were going super well and I could yell "BLESSED AND HIGHLY FAVORED!" And I saw other people pass him and he didn't say the same thing to them.  Why?  Usually it was a nod or a smile and he continued his floor cleaning. 
These 4 words have come up again in random places enough that I googled it to see if maybe I was missing a "catch phrase" somewhere.  Maybe Beth Moore or Billy Graham had said it and I missed it.  Nothing turned up but a southern gospel song by the Clark Sisters and a couple of other bloggers trying to hash it out.  So I have been thinking about them alot. 
When I am told I am blessed and highly favored my first response is undeserving.  Because to me, a person who is blessed and highly favored is one who is obedient (like Mary).  And I can't look at someone and know their walk or thier obedience.  I suck at it lots of times.  I try but I fail and you may not know all that about me. 
But I think you can declare yourself blessed and highly favored.  Not because you are patting yourself on the back or bragging.  No, I think it's a perspective thing. 

I am blessed and highly favored because I have the riches of salvation and unfailing love from Jesus not because of the job I have or the money I have in my account.
I am blessed and highly favored because every once in awhile God shows me and asks, ok sometimes pushes, OK occasionally shoves me into doing His will and I know I am not doing my own thing.
I am blessed and highly favored because He has given me his Word and Truth and when I am in it I am protected and I never have to believe another one of the enemies lies spoken about me. 
I am blessed and highly favored because I have been given grace for when I fail not because I am doing all the "right things."
I am blessed and highly favored not because everything is perfect in my world but because its chaos and  I yell, my kids fight, I have no money 2 days before payday, and my to do list grows beyond what I can ever get done and yet I KNOW that God has me secure in His hand and He is in control.  (Someone feel free to remind me often)
Blessed and highly favored isn't about the external or the world we live in now.  It's about eternal and knowing this world is not my home. It's keeping my eyes on Jesus. 
So last week I saw my friend again and I looked him directly in the eye, knowing what he would say.  And when it came to my turn in the conversation I was able to look him in the eye and say "I am blessed and highly favored." And he said "Good! Now take my phone number.  You can call me anytime and I will pray for you." (In his thick Jamaican accent) And now I know his name is Andrew.
And as a side note, the other day, I was at the nurses station and an surgeon looking man in a scrubs and lab coat came breezing by and it caught my eye as he passed Andrew he said "How's it going, brother?" and reached out and gave him a "guy hug."  And I realized then that Andrew is an angel. But that's for another blog. :)
Blessed and highly favored,
joy

Never Late

"Never believe the so called random events in life are anything less than God's appointed order." Oswald Chambers My Utmost for His Highest
About three years ago, I had just finished an all day pediatric presentation for a group of EMS providers in northern Iowa.  I was feeling really good about it and how I handled their questions.  There wasn't a thing I didn't know that day.  I was on fire!  I knew that I could present all that information and make others understand it because I lived it.  I had experienced it myself.  I remember sitting in my work van that day and saying to God "Lord, that's how I want to know your word.  That's how I want to share you with others.  I want to experience you so I can know that I know that I know."  All I can say today is "Be careful what you pray for."  :)  My vision=Read the Bible, get some good study aids and software, join a good Bible study group, talk with other Christians, study manuscripting.  I think God looked at that and said "That's a good place to start, Joy."  And then He said, "Now you need a story" and He then He kicked it into high gear. 

Seven months ago I started this blog as a way to process the journey of being in an unknown place, with only my immediate family and no known plan or purpose.  It stood in stark contrast from a life where I was raised, I knew where I was going, and I had strong support of  amazing large family and friends.
It has the unexpected beauty for me of being able to look back and remember.  Not just events but raw, real emotions.  It is has been my mouthpiece for my praise and my fear, my wrestling with God and my battles against the enemy of my soul. It is written out so I can't ever sit back and say "Well, I knew it would all work out.  I trusted God." Ha! I have been a questioning, wrestling mess and you all have been witnesses. :) It is also beautiful to me because I never want to forget.  In that desert, I have been able to walk closest with my Father, see Him provide for me in more than material ways and discover that sweet, lone perfect flower of Acceptance of His will. (see Hinds Feet in High Places)  This blog has been the place I can look back and see Him giving me my story. 

He is giving me a story and He has given me special opportunities in this place to tell it.  Sweet, unexpected people in strange places to tell of His love, His grace, His provision.  And I love it.  Everytime I shake my head and I say "What was that?"  But I know what it was.  It was Him inside me.  Giving me the words, giving me the Rock to stand on boldly and gently pointing to the One who gets the glory.  Answering my prayer from 3 years ago.

So if you are struggling and aren't sure what God is planning for you.  Maybe you are deep in the throws of your desert, remember:
"This vision is for a future time. It describes the end, and it will be fulfilled. If it seems slow in coming, wait patiently, for it will surely take place. It will not be delayed." (Habakkuk 2:3)  God is an on time God and He is working on it in every detail, even when you can't see it.

So thank you, Jesus, for my story.  Thank you that you are not done with it.  Thank you for answering my prayer to know you more, even when it's been really hard.  Thank you for being on time, all the time.

Tears of Praise

I was talking to someone precious to me this morning. It had been awhile since we talked and she was updating me on the awesome things happening in her world. This is some one I have been blessed to walk on her journey with her as she walks mine with me. As she spoke there was an excitement to her voice. She was receiving all God has been promising her for a long time. Amazing things. As she related all these things to me I just started to weep. (As I am doing right now as I type.) The tears came out of no where and I almost didn't realize I was crying until I felt the tears on my cheeks. Everything she was telling me was cause for joy and celebration and "Woohoos!" But the tears fell.


I do this sometimes. I remember it first started during worship times. The Holy Spirit would be so present and my heart so full the tears would flow. Then I noticed it started happening during sermons. The pastor would say something and it was like God spoke straight to me and the tears would run silently down my cheeks. I liked to say "the Holy Spirit is leaking out of me." :)

I also do this sometimes with my kids. Each year on our birthdays, we all go around and say what is special about that person. And I am always last. They have come to expect that I will get a little choked up as I reflect on how wonderful they are and how blessed I am to be their mom. My heart just overflows with gratitude for them. My dad used to do this. One of the things I miss most about him is the way he would say "I'm so proud of you." and his voice would be choked and his eyes full of tears. He would also say "My quiver is full." (Psalm 127:3-5) in the same way. I thought at the time it was because he was just so proud of us but as I think about it I think he was overwhelmed with the blessing of a healthy, beautiful family and how God provided for him for many years.

It feels like I am doing it more frequently in this new place. Jesus provides for us in abundant, unexpected ways and I cry. He gives me an opportunity to minister to someone else with my experiences and I cry. He shows me in special, unique ways that we are just exactly where we need to be and I cry.

I was thinking this morning about the woman in Luke who washed Jesus' feet with her tears and the very expensive perfume. The other gospels only mention the perfume but Luke mentions the tears. I love that. She was a sinner and when you first read the passage you assume that she is crying because she feels like such a loser. Today I see her in a different way. I see her as fellow sister who sees Jesus and knows He is not only her Savior but also her Provider, Redeemer, Counselor, Father, Friend, the One who loves her without limits and blesses her beyond words. And she cried.

So from now on these tears are going to be called "Tears of Praise." Because that is exactly what they are. They are what I offer back when I don't have the words or ways to respond to Him all He has done for me.

Let them flow, Jesus,

joy