I have a song in my head that we sang at our church in Iowa. "God is doin a new thing, a new thing in my life..." It's got a great tune and when I was there and we sang it I would bounce and smile and think "Yes, a new thing is good. He is doing new things in my life." I didn't know what those were but I knew that the new had to be better than the old things I was trying to accomplish. Let me just say it looked good from a distance.
Fast forward to 1300 miles away God has definately given me a new thing. What I didn't know is that when He did I would look at him and say "What? What do you want me to do with this? This is not what I thought you created me to be. I don't know what this is."
Let me see if I can give a little background. When we lived in Iowa, I felt that I was following His plan for my life. I was trying to see where he was leading and I was trying to follow. I was in a job I felt like I was made for. I was on the school board and I felt like He laid that on my heart years befor I ran. It was a stepping stone to the next thing I thought He was bringing me to in some form of public service. I was a part of a strong support network of family and friends who were God with skin on to me more times than I can even say. I was in a leadership class and a mentoring relationship. All good stuff!!! Stuff I did not want to leave or let go of.
In hindsight I can see that the job was consuming me-my time, my energy and emotions. It was fast becoming apparent that in my current state I could not devote to the school board what it needed. My private struggles were becoming to big to even share with those closest to me. There was a disconnect between who I was a mom, a wife, a sister, a friend and who I felt like on the inside. I know that my heart was genuine in love for everyone but it was also hurting and gettting good at hiding. I know that my motivations for what I did were well intended and truly believed I was following God's path but will confess that pride and my need to be credible and admired for my accomplishments were also a part of it as well.
So like my computer yesterday, I got "reinstalled." Basically a blank slate. The necessities are there-Steve and the kids. God still shows me He is the power source. But everything else needs to be reinstalled. It didn't reboot with all viruses and malaware that were slowing it down but it didn't reboot with the programs I need either to make it run the way we need it. I have had to rebuild it program by program. In my life, I am being rebuilt program by program.
Which brings me back to the "new thing." While this move itself has been a whole "new thing," this time it feels personal. I just started a job which is good, there are lots of people with out them so I feel blessed to have found something so quickly. I haven't started on the unit yet. That will come this week hopefully. Out of all the hospitals in the county, this is the best. Of all the ER's this is the by far the busiest. But here's the problem. I'm not an adult nurse. I take care of kids. That is why I became a nurse. That is what I have done for the past 10 years and that is the last thing of my "identity" I am trying to hold on to with a death grip. And I hear God saying "You need to do this." But with tears flowing and fear overwhelming me I say "Why!?! I don't know what to do there. It's not who I am."
But it's who He says I am right now. I imagine He's also telling me "Your job is not your identity either." Sigh...this is hard.
This is all a part of the journey. So I will trust him and I will pray "Show me the right path, O LORD; point out the road for me to follow. Lead me by your truth and teach me, for you are the God who saves me. All day long I put my hope in you." (Psalm 25:4-5)
Thanks for accompanying me on the journey....
joy
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Thursday, April 8, 2010
I do not want to forget
So Moses said to Aaron, "Take a jar and put an omer of manna in it. Then place it before the LORD to be kept for the generations to come." Exodus 16:33
I was unpacking today and came across list of things we "needed" before we could make this move. I had made the list intentionally about 2 months ago. God had provided so much up to that point and yet I knew there was much that still needed to happen. I believed he would provide. I wrote them down so that I could look back as I did today and see it as a reminder. Every need we had was met. Certainly not always in the way I expected it to be, but it was met.
When I was clearly seeing God's hand move things into place for us, I knew that I did not want to forget. I had read about how Moses told Aaron to take some of the manna and keep it in a jar which was kept with the Ark of the Covenant. It's purpose was to remind generations of what God had provided for them in the desert. This was a very good idea as the Israelites had a terrible memory for such things on their own.
So today, as I had hoped to do, I pulled together some well timed, hope giving cards, Bible verses, the list and a couple of small reminders and put it into a vase. It is my jar of manna and I hope to use it to show the next generation how God provided for us. I do not want to forget.
I was unpacking today and came across list of things we "needed" before we could make this move. I had made the list intentionally about 2 months ago. God had provided so much up to that point and yet I knew there was much that still needed to happen. I believed he would provide. I wrote them down so that I could look back as I did today and see it as a reminder. Every need we had was met. Certainly not always in the way I expected it to be, but it was met.
When I was clearly seeing God's hand move things into place for us, I knew that I did not want to forget. I had read about how Moses told Aaron to take some of the manna and keep it in a jar which was kept with the Ark of the Covenant. It's purpose was to remind generations of what God had provided for them in the desert. This was a very good idea as the Israelites had a terrible memory for such things on their own.
So today, as I had hoped to do, I pulled together some well timed, hope giving cards, Bible verses, the list and a couple of small reminders and put it into a vase. It is my jar of manna and I hope to use it to show the next generation how God provided for us. I do not want to forget.
Friday, April 2, 2010
My Redeemer Lives
I know that my Redeemer lives,
and that in the end he will stand upon the earth.~Job 19:25
This verse came up again this week. The verse always seems to come up at a point my life when I need comfort or guidance. My sisters have shared similar experiences. Of course it is appropriate being Easter and all. But there's more to it.
It is my dad's favorite verse. And my dad died 8 years ago this month.
The verse meant so much he had it put on his headstone. He never expressly said why and at that time in my life, I regret that it never occured to me to ask him why. He never shared a story to go with it or of a time when that verse gave him comfort or peace. At least he never told me.
I know my Redeemer lives, and that in the end he will stand upon the earth. Period, end of discussion. I would like to think that is the "concreteness" of the verse that he could hold on to. It states a fact, a testimony and it does not waver. It does not wonder and it does not guess.
I know my Redeemer lives, and that in the end he will stand upon the earth. It is a personal testimony. It is something you need to claim for your own.
I know my Redeemer lives, and that in the end he will stand upon the earth. This is hard. A girl does not like to think her dad needs a Redeemer. She does not want to think that he needs a defender, to be redeemed. But he did and he knew it but through that he was saved and he knew that too.
I know my Redeemer lives, and that in the end he will stand upon the earth. He did not waste time worshiping a dead guy or a stale religion. It is a relationship with a living Jesus. ("He lives!...I just talked to him this morning!"-My Redeemer Lives by Nicole C Mullen)
I know my Redeemer lives, and that in the end he will stand upon the earth. When all is said and done, when all the trials and triumphs are over, there will be an end. Its just life. It could be our own physical death or Jesus is coming back. But this life, this world, will not go on forever. I know my dad thought about his own end. We talked about it. He did not want to die alone. He didn't.
I know my Redeemer lives, and that in the end he will stand upon the earth. Jesus stood on this earth once and he will be back. Not maybe he'll be back. Not I hope he comes back. Not if but when.
I don't know if my dad thought all those things, maybe he did and so much more. But I hope that his testimony helps to remind you what this Easter season is all about. It did for me.
joy
To listen to My Redeemer lives:
http://www.tangle.com/view_video?viewkey=44600c0cf44bb9df58b9
and that in the end he will stand upon the earth.~Job 19:25
This verse came up again this week. The verse always seems to come up at a point my life when I need comfort or guidance. My sisters have shared similar experiences. Of course it is appropriate being Easter and all. But there's more to it.
It is my dad's favorite verse. And my dad died 8 years ago this month.
The verse meant so much he had it put on his headstone. He never expressly said why and at that time in my life, I regret that it never occured to me to ask him why. He never shared a story to go with it or of a time when that verse gave him comfort or peace. At least he never told me.
I know my Redeemer lives, and that in the end he will stand upon the earth. Period, end of discussion. I would like to think that is the "concreteness" of the verse that he could hold on to. It states a fact, a testimony and it does not waver. It does not wonder and it does not guess.
I know my Redeemer lives, and that in the end he will stand upon the earth. It is a personal testimony. It is something you need to claim for your own.
I know my Redeemer lives, and that in the end he will stand upon the earth. This is hard. A girl does not like to think her dad needs a Redeemer. She does not want to think that he needs a defender, to be redeemed. But he did and he knew it but through that he was saved and he knew that too.
I know my Redeemer lives, and that in the end he will stand upon the earth. He did not waste time worshiping a dead guy or a stale religion. It is a relationship with a living Jesus. ("He lives!...I just talked to him this morning!"-My Redeemer Lives by Nicole C Mullen)
I know my Redeemer lives, and that in the end he will stand upon the earth. When all is said and done, when all the trials and triumphs are over, there will be an end. Its just life. It could be our own physical death or Jesus is coming back. But this life, this world, will not go on forever. I know my dad thought about his own end. We talked about it. He did not want to die alone. He didn't.
I know my Redeemer lives, and that in the end he will stand upon the earth. Jesus stood on this earth once and he will be back. Not maybe he'll be back. Not I hope he comes back. Not if but when.
I don't know if my dad thought all those things, maybe he did and so much more. But I hope that his testimony helps to remind you what this Easter season is all about. It did for me.
joy
To listen to My Redeemer lives:
http://www.tangle.com/view_video?viewkey=44600c0cf44bb9df58b9
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
The spacious place can be a lonely place
How's that for an "up" title to a blog post?
Let me back up a little bit. The Psalms are written with 3 themes: Orientation ("I love you Lord..." "You are my deliverer...") Disorientation ("The cords of death entangle me") and Reorientation ("He brought me out into a spacious place...")
I have observed in my own deliverance and in others that this is a wonderful place of freedom but it can also be lonely as no usually gets delivered with you. It is unique to you. If you have shared your trials and battles with friends they will rejoice with you when you get to the spacious place but they don't know, really know what you and God went through to get there. And that can be lonely. As I have said before, I process things. Sometimes I process things a long time. I am at a point of asking God "Why did we have to go through that to get to this point?" "Why did it have to be so hard?" "What do you want me to do with this now?" My heart is changed, my life is changed but I don't know what to do with it. I feel like in answer to the first 3 questions he says to me "I got your attention right? This is a life lesson, right? This will stick, right? You want to help others and share with them, right?" And I say "Of course, but what do you want me to do? I don't know a soul and in a month that hasn't changed. The ones who love me and pray for me are far, far away. What do you want me to do?"
Maybe by next week I will have a clearer vision or a better attitude or a different perspective. I pray so.
So in that time I will cling to this promise: "Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go."
(Joshua 1:9)
God bless.....
joy
Let me back up a little bit. The Psalms are written with 3 themes: Orientation ("I love you Lord..." "You are my deliverer...") Disorientation ("The cords of death entangle me") and Reorientation ("He brought me out into a spacious place...")
I have observed in my own deliverance and in others that this is a wonderful place of freedom but it can also be lonely as no usually gets delivered with you. It is unique to you. If you have shared your trials and battles with friends they will rejoice with you when you get to the spacious place but they don't know, really know what you and God went through to get there. And that can be lonely. As I have said before, I process things. Sometimes I process things a long time. I am at a point of asking God "Why did we have to go through that to get to this point?" "Why did it have to be so hard?" "What do you want me to do with this now?" My heart is changed, my life is changed but I don't know what to do with it. I feel like in answer to the first 3 questions he says to me "I got your attention right? This is a life lesson, right? This will stick, right? You want to help others and share with them, right?" And I say "Of course, but what do you want me to do? I don't know a soul and in a month that hasn't changed. The ones who love me and pray for me are far, far away. What do you want me to do?"
Maybe by next week I will have a clearer vision or a better attitude or a different perspective. I pray so.
So in that time I will cling to this promise: "Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go."
(Joshua 1:9)
God bless.....
joy
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
Expectations
We have been here just 3 weeks. In some ways it seems so much longer. I have settled into a few routines. I get up before the kids, take a shower, get them up, bring them to school. I have found the best route to get there. I get home, take the dog for a walk and then come home and eat something for breakfast which usually, ok always, includes Mt Dew. Then I set about with whatever moves me on my list. Could be errands, unpacking, hanging things on walls, whatever. I have not done what I said I would be doing by now and that's take a book and sit on the beach. Too cold.
The ocean and the beach is my metaphor these days. I go there expecting one thing-sun, fun and warm. If I did not expect that, I would not go there. Sometimes, though, it is cold, windy and cloudy. Do you know I still sit there though? Partly because the kids don't recognize the cold but partly because I feel like it's God's gift to our family. It's precious time we are together and making memories. Any burdens or stress we feel from this move are set aside for awhile while we are there.
I think about Jesus when I think about the ocean and my expectations. When John the Baptist, who was in jail, waiting to get his head cut off, sent his friends to ask Jesus, "Are you the one who we is coming or should we expect someone else?" (Matthew 11:1-7) Jesus replies (and I am paraphrasing) “Look at everything that is happening….Blessed is the one who does not fall away on account of me.” In the Message it is translated “Is this what you were expecting? Then count yourselves most blessed!" Maybe John asked the question because he was expecting something else, a ruler to oust the Romans or at least someone to get him out of jail. But I think he was likely thinking, “I did not expect this!” Maybe he wanted to know “Have I sacrificed my life for the right thing?” Jesus is saying “Yes, it is worth it but I am not what you expected.” He doesn’t say “Sorry, wish I could do more.” He doesn’t need to apologize. He is stating the fact. “I will not fit into your box; I will not meet everyone’s expectations.” And like the ocean He created, He is constant whether the sun is shining or not and whether or not I like the how things are going. Praise the Lord because I confess I am more the one "who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed like the wind." (James 1:6)
Ps 146:5-6
Blessed is he whose help is the God of Jacob, whose hope is in the Lord his God, -the Maker of heaven and earth, the sea, and everything in them — the Lord, who remains faithful forever.
Jer 31:35
This is what the Lord says, he who appoints the sun to shine by day, who decrees the moon and stars to shine by night, who stirs up the sea so that its waves roar — the Lord Almighty is his name
Blessings,
joy
The ocean and the beach is my metaphor these days. I go there expecting one thing-sun, fun and warm. If I did not expect that, I would not go there. Sometimes, though, it is cold, windy and cloudy. Do you know I still sit there though? Partly because the kids don't recognize the cold but partly because I feel like it's God's gift to our family. It's precious time we are together and making memories. Any burdens or stress we feel from this move are set aside for awhile while we are there.
I think about Jesus when I think about the ocean and my expectations. When John the Baptist, who was in jail, waiting to get his head cut off, sent his friends to ask Jesus, "Are you the one who we is coming or should we expect someone else?" (Matthew 11:1-7) Jesus replies (and I am paraphrasing) “Look at everything that is happening….Blessed is the one who does not fall away on account of me.” In the Message it is translated “Is this what you were expecting? Then count yourselves most blessed!" Maybe John asked the question because he was expecting something else, a ruler to oust the Romans or at least someone to get him out of jail. But I think he was likely thinking, “I did not expect this!” Maybe he wanted to know “Have I sacrificed my life for the right thing?” Jesus is saying “Yes, it is worth it but I am not what you expected.” He doesn’t say “Sorry, wish I could do more.” He doesn’t need to apologize. He is stating the fact. “I will not fit into your box; I will not meet everyone’s expectations.” And like the ocean He created, He is constant whether the sun is shining or not and whether or not I like the how things are going. Praise the Lord because I confess I am more the one "who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed like the wind." (James 1:6)
Ps 146:5-6
Blessed is he whose help is the God of Jacob, whose hope is in the Lord his God, -the Maker of heaven and earth, the sea, and everything in them — the Lord, who remains faithful forever.
Jer 31:35
This is what the Lord says, he who appoints the sun to shine by day, who decrees the moon and stars to shine by night, who stirs up the sea so that its waves roar — the Lord Almighty is his name
Blessings,
joy
Sunday, March 21, 2010
"I can't do it"
This has been my mantra, my lament, my crying out for about the past week. Maybe longer. I am not sure. I have said it when the kids' teachers said they need to learn "higher order thinking" in mathematics (NOT my strength) in the next 7-8 weeks. I have said it when I lost my car keys and I called the kids in sick for school one day (I wasn't going to share that, but what is a blog unless it attempts to be real?). I have said it when my temporary Florida nursing license expired without notice and I didn't know it until the day I went for my prescreening appointment at my new job. I said it when the loneliness has gripped me so tight I wasn't sure I could stand it much more.
On Friday I had one of those days that I think is another children's book but I can't find it. It would go something like "This happened and I was so mad. Then this happened and I was so happy." That really doesn't capture it though. If you could draw that, it would be just up and down lines. What it really looks like is a scribbly line all over a big white page.
I am all about processing and seeking what God is trying to tell me in all this and here is what I feel like He has spoke into my heart this weekend. "You are right, Joy, you can't. But I CAN." This requires utter, total dependence. But He has shown me over and over again that what I can't do, He can and does.
He can work in my children's hearts and minds and help them understand the concepts I don't know how to explain. He can redeem a day of being stuck home with a time to read books together and just chill out. He can help me find the keys behind the dresser. He can have the Florida Board of Nursing tell me that they can get me a permanent license in 3-5 days and not the usual 30 day minimum. He can take the scribbles and make them into a masterpiece. PRAISE HIM.
So the Bible verse that was given to me at church today says it best:
"So he said to me, ....'Not by (Joy's) might nor by (Joy's) power, but by my Spirit,' says the LORD Almighty." Zechariah 4:6 (NIV)
Thanks for reading....
joy
On Friday I had one of those days that I think is another children's book but I can't find it. It would go something like "This happened and I was so mad. Then this happened and I was so happy." That really doesn't capture it though. If you could draw that, it would be just up and down lines. What it really looks like is a scribbly line all over a big white page.
I am all about processing and seeking what God is trying to tell me in all this and here is what I feel like He has spoke into my heart this weekend. "You are right, Joy, you can't. But I CAN." This requires utter, total dependence. But He has shown me over and over again that what I can't do, He can and does.
He can work in my children's hearts and minds and help them understand the concepts I don't know how to explain. He can redeem a day of being stuck home with a time to read books together and just chill out. He can help me find the keys behind the dresser. He can have the Florida Board of Nursing tell me that they can get me a permanent license in 3-5 days and not the usual 30 day minimum. He can take the scribbles and make them into a masterpiece. PRAISE HIM.
So the Bible verse that was given to me at church today says it best:
"So he said to me, ....'Not by (Joy's) might nor by (Joy's) power, but by my Spirit,' says the LORD Almighty." Zechariah 4:6 (NIV)
Thanks for reading....
joy
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
First Post
My day has been a little like "If you give a Mouse a Cookie"
If you decide to send an email to your friends and family with your new contact info they will want pictures of the new house
If you take pictures of the new house you will need to clean up the new house
If you clean up the new house you will need to set out Easter decorations
If you get the pictures taken you will check your email while they are loading
If you check the email a sweet friend will email and ask if you have set up the blog you said you would do
If you decide to set up a blog you need to pick a meaningful name, template and first post :)
Whew...
I wanted to set up this blog because I knew this move to a new state would be an ongoing journey from the moment we said we would go until I don't know when. I wanted a place to share with friends and family my struggles, my joys, my God sightings and the mundane of life.
The only thing I want to say is that the past few weeks have been wonderful and painful. What we have gotten to share as a family in a beautiful place has been wonderful. The dark times are especially dark when you have no one around to just dump it on. It's too hard in a phone call and I don't want others to worry. Most of the time it is temporary and God reminds me that I am secure in his hand.
What I have realized is that for about 2 weeks my thought process "Why is He taking everything away from me? Everything that was me is no more. NOTHING in my life (except Steve and the kids) is the same. " My identity was in a tailspin. My relationships were rocked. My future uncertain. I asked Him repeatedly "You have asked the question 'Who do you say that I am?' and now I want to know 'Who do you say that I am?' I felt stripped bare like a stolen car. Now I am starting to realize that God didn't take me away from me, He is giving me back to me. This is not a butterflies and sunshine process. It can be painful (especially when I fight it) but it is worth it.
So in this place, as it was in Iowa, one thing has not changed, the most important thing:
"But me he caught—reached all the way from sky to sea; he pulled me out Of that ocean of hate, that enemy chaos, the void in which I was drowning. They hit me when I was down, but God stuck by me. He stood me up on a wide-open field (a spacious place); I stood there saved—surprised to be loved! God made my life complete when I placed all the pieces before him. When I got my act together, he gave me a fresh start. Now I'm alert to God's ways; I don't take God for granted. Every day I review the ways he works; I try not to miss a trick. I feel put back together, and I'm watching my step. God rewrote the text of my life when I opened the book of my heart to his eyes. " Psalm 18 The Message
Thanks for reading! God Bless!
joy
If you decide to send an email to your friends and family with your new contact info they will want pictures of the new house
If you take pictures of the new house you will need to clean up the new house
If you clean up the new house you will need to set out Easter decorations
If you get the pictures taken you will check your email while they are loading
If you check the email a sweet friend will email and ask if you have set up the blog you said you would do
If you decide to set up a blog you need to pick a meaningful name, template and first post :)
Whew...
I wanted to set up this blog because I knew this move to a new state would be an ongoing journey from the moment we said we would go until I don't know when. I wanted a place to share with friends and family my struggles, my joys, my God sightings and the mundane of life.
The only thing I want to say is that the past few weeks have been wonderful and painful. What we have gotten to share as a family in a beautiful place has been wonderful. The dark times are especially dark when you have no one around to just dump it on. It's too hard in a phone call and I don't want others to worry. Most of the time it is temporary and God reminds me that I am secure in his hand.
What I have realized is that for about 2 weeks my thought process "Why is He taking everything away from me? Everything that was me is no more. NOTHING in my life (except Steve and the kids) is the same. " My identity was in a tailspin. My relationships were rocked. My future uncertain. I asked Him repeatedly "You have asked the question 'Who do you say that I am?' and now I want to know 'Who do you say that I am?' I felt stripped bare like a stolen car. Now I am starting to realize that God didn't take me away from me, He is giving me back to me. This is not a butterflies and sunshine process. It can be painful (especially when I fight it) but it is worth it.
So in this place, as it was in Iowa, one thing has not changed, the most important thing:
"But me he caught—reached all the way from sky to sea; he pulled me out Of that ocean of hate, that enemy chaos, the void in which I was drowning. They hit me when I was down, but God stuck by me. He stood me up on a wide-open field (a spacious place); I stood there saved—surprised to be loved! God made my life complete when I placed all the pieces before him. When I got my act together, he gave me a fresh start. Now I'm alert to God's ways; I don't take God for granted. Every day I review the ways he works; I try not to miss a trick. I feel put back together, and I'm watching my step. God rewrote the text of my life when I opened the book of my heart to his eyes. " Psalm 18 The Message
Thanks for reading! God Bless!
joy
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