I know I just posted a couple of days ago. Admittedly that was a copy and paste from an old blog I'd done a year or so ago. My goal is to get a post every 7-10 days and I was feeling too busy and distracted to sit quietly and see what the Lord wanted to lay on me. Today He did it. An unexpected "bump" in my journey if you will. As usual, there's a back story.
If you read this blog you will know that a couple of posts ago a patient of mine said to me "You must have suffered." after I spoke with her about patience and suffering and somethings I had learned/experienced. I did not much like being told that. I am not a SUFFERER. Others do and that's ok. It's my job as a nurse to help people who suffer. It's ok for others but not for me. A little over a week ago my sister and I had lunch with our pastors at my church. I really wanted them to meet as they are all very important in my world. I was taken aback a bit when they were discussing me, my pastor said, "Joy is healing right now." What? What? WHAT? Who's healing? I don't need healing. I am FINE. Can't you hear me say it? I am F-I-N-E, fine. Healing is for those who are hurt, ill, injured, weak. I am none of those thank you much. I am doing quite well. Why would he think I need healing? How would he know I need healing?
Admittedly, I am quite a tamed down version of myself since the move. I've kind of had a sense that I don't let alot of people get close to me for awhile. In Iowa I had a tight family that surrounded me, an amazing church family and friends who knew me for years. They were all just always there and I was part the group.
I have felt like maybe I am in this wilderness season, this time of "on my own," for a reason. God is doing a transformation in me and while I thought I knew where He and I might be headed, I realize I am clueless. I think we like to think that the transformation God does to our hearts is quick and is small changes. He's gracious enough to change us sometimes in small ways but His ultimate goal is the whole enchilada. And once He has a hold and you surrender, He won't let go. So I am not trying to rush through it. But I am also realizing there is a fine line between that wilderness and self imposed exile. One is a place where God can work in the deep places and test His Word and the other is a place where I think I can hide and "be safe" from any hurts. And I am guilty on a regular basis of the later and with no accountability it's pretty easy.
Ok, to the point, this morning, was friends' of ours last service at our church. And it wasn't until I saw her and an unexpected powerful emotion rose up in me that I realized I was wounded. The emotion wasn't excitement for a "new adventure " for them. It was flash backs to our last service at our Iowa church and it was raw grief. I could have curled up and cried like it happened yesterday and not 6 months ago. I did not see this coming. When the tears flow as I type you can be assured I am being as real as I can be.
So here I am in front of Jesus saying "Ok, this move, this "new thing" has hurt more than I have allowed myself to feel. Being pulled up by your roots hurts. I have tried to focus on the blessings and they have been numerous and great. But I hurt, more that I would acknowledge and I need a healing. In my weakness, You are strong. And I am believing like the woman who reached out to just touch your robe I am reaching out and beleiving that the healing will come. If it means reaching out to others, show me how Lord. I'm not good at it. I get scared and nervous and have already listed their judgements of me in my head before I even say hello. I don't know what that looks like since this is new to me, Jesus. But I am believing you are the One who "heals the broken hearted and binds up their wounds." Bring the healing Jesus."
In Christ who loves us more fully than we know,
joy
Sunday, September 5, 2010
Friday, September 3, 2010
No Fear
(This is an "archived" blog from some posts I posted on our women's blog for our chuch in Iowa.)
Thanks to Max Lucado's book Fearless who opened my eyes in a fresh way to this passage. Thank you to the Holy Spirit for his prompting and conviction.
Mark 4:35-41
Have you ever just been strolling through life marveling at all Jesus has done for you? Have you ever witnessed his healing and his miracles in your life or those around you?
Have you ever just felt like "Life is good, I am in God’s will, walking with Jesus, in tune with the Holy Spirit"? You feel like you know Jesus and his character and you trust him. What a sweet place to be. That is the place those disciples were before they got on that boat with Jesus. Now for Peter, James and John, as fishermen by trade, the boat was a natural place to be. For Matthew the tax collector, probably not so much, but he has committed to following Jesus so on to the deck he climbs.
It has been a long day and Jesus is obviously worn out. He finds a quiet spot under the stern and falls asleep. While he is sleeping a storm kicks up. It seems reasonable to think that as fishermen some of these men should be able to handle this right? This can’t be the first time they got caught in a storm. I can understand why Matthew is losing his cookies but the rest of them, come on. But the word that is used for this particular storm is seismos. Yup, as in earthquake, seismos. I wonder if it was like a typhoon. I don’t know that but I learned that the only other time that word is used is to refer to the earthquakes at Jesus’ death and resurrection. So this is pretty major. So the disciples looked at each other and said “Let’s wake up Jesus and he will fix this. Look at all we have seen him do thus far!” Right? WRONG! They wake him up with a frantic “We are drowning! Don’t you care?!?” Wow. I would like to get a little righteous indignation going about those disciples and say “Are you kidding? How could they say that to him? How can they so quickly forget all he has done?” and then the Spirit convicts and I get that feeling in my stomach that says. Ugh. Been there, done that.
Jesus gets up and says to the waves “Quiet! Be still!” and everything calms. I can’t help but think that if he had turned to the disciples and said the same thing the calm would have come. Maybe not in the storm, but in the disciples. What he does say to the disciples is “Why are you so afraid? Do you still have no faith?” (Emphasis mine) I have read this passage several times lately but tonight God added the word “still” to my Bible. Here comes another Ugh.
Of course the disciples were terrified. Not only was there a fresh revelation about Jesus and His power there was an exposure of their hearts.
When the storms of life come you can plan that there will be a fresh revelation of God but also know that there will be an exposure of our heart. And what we see may frighten us. I praise Jesus that he didn’t get off the boat in the next chapter and say “You guys are worthless. I am going to find some other disciples who have more faith, who aren’t so afraid.” He didn’t do that with them and he doesn’t do it with us. He wants us to stay close to him and hear his teaching, see his healing, and knowing his love. He knew the wind and waves would obey because he created them. He knows how we are created, and he knows what he is creating us to be and he won’t give up on that. The only one who gives up is us. Hang in there sister.
Jesus, thank you for your love. Thank you that you never give up on us. Thank you for your awesome power to calm the storms or to calm your children. Give us hearts to receive the love and peace and calm that only comes from you. You are Elohim, our Creator. Amen
In Christ's love and peace,
joy
Thanks to Max Lucado's book Fearless who opened my eyes in a fresh way to this passage. Thank you to the Holy Spirit for his prompting and conviction.
Mark 4:35-41
Have you ever just been strolling through life marveling at all Jesus has done for you? Have you ever witnessed his healing and his miracles in your life or those around you?
Have you ever just felt like "Life is good, I am in God’s will, walking with Jesus, in tune with the Holy Spirit"? You feel like you know Jesus and his character and you trust him. What a sweet place to be. That is the place those disciples were before they got on that boat with Jesus. Now for Peter, James and John, as fishermen by trade, the boat was a natural place to be. For Matthew the tax collector, probably not so much, but he has committed to following Jesus so on to the deck he climbs.
It has been a long day and Jesus is obviously worn out. He finds a quiet spot under the stern and falls asleep. While he is sleeping a storm kicks up. It seems reasonable to think that as fishermen some of these men should be able to handle this right? This can’t be the first time they got caught in a storm. I can understand why Matthew is losing his cookies but the rest of them, come on. But the word that is used for this particular storm is seismos. Yup, as in earthquake, seismos. I wonder if it was like a typhoon. I don’t know that but I learned that the only other time that word is used is to refer to the earthquakes at Jesus’ death and resurrection. So this is pretty major. So the disciples looked at each other and said “Let’s wake up Jesus and he will fix this. Look at all we have seen him do thus far!” Right? WRONG! They wake him up with a frantic “We are drowning! Don’t you care?!?” Wow. I would like to get a little righteous indignation going about those disciples and say “Are you kidding? How could they say that to him? How can they so quickly forget all he has done?” and then the Spirit convicts and I get that feeling in my stomach that says. Ugh. Been there, done that.
Jesus gets up and says to the waves “Quiet! Be still!” and everything calms. I can’t help but think that if he had turned to the disciples and said the same thing the calm would have come. Maybe not in the storm, but in the disciples. What he does say to the disciples is “Why are you so afraid? Do you still have no faith?” (Emphasis mine) I have read this passage several times lately but tonight God added the word “still” to my Bible. Here comes another Ugh.
Of course the disciples were terrified. Not only was there a fresh revelation about Jesus and His power there was an exposure of their hearts.
When the storms of life come you can plan that there will be a fresh revelation of God but also know that there will be an exposure of our heart. And what we see may frighten us. I praise Jesus that he didn’t get off the boat in the next chapter and say “You guys are worthless. I am going to find some other disciples who have more faith, who aren’t so afraid.” He didn’t do that with them and he doesn’t do it with us. He wants us to stay close to him and hear his teaching, see his healing, and knowing his love. He knew the wind and waves would obey because he created them. He knows how we are created, and he knows what he is creating us to be and he won’t give up on that. The only one who gives up is us. Hang in there sister.
Jesus, thank you for your love. Thank you that you never give up on us. Thank you for your awesome power to calm the storms or to calm your children. Give us hearts to receive the love and peace and calm that only comes from you. You are Elohim, our Creator. Amen
In Christ's love and peace,
joy
Saturday, August 21, 2010
Looking back, looking around, looking Up
"The years that lie behind you will in time be remembered only as the way that led to your new life. They can be remembered as God's way of making you more compassionate and understanding toward others." I recently read this quote from Henri Nouwen as I was reflecting over the past year and all that's happened to bring me where I am today.
I have been shown, especially in this past month or so, that some of the experiences I have gone through are happening in other people's lives. I am not talking about I hear about it and I feel bad for them. I am talking that these people have come to me with out any knowledge of me (very few people here know me or my story) and have just started sharing.
The first time it happened, I was like, what in the world? And I felt like I needed to share kindness with that person the way others have done for me in the past.
The next time it happened, God, in his providence, had been preparing my heart the week prior to think about patience. I learned that the Greeks have severalwords for patience but 2 that I have learned about-makrothymia and hypomone. There is one big difference in the patience these words describe. The first, makrothymia, is the fruit of the spirit patience. It is inspired my mercy toward others. It's the patience we need in the long grocery line, with difficult co workers or with our kids. The second, hyponome is the word James uses when he says "Be patient, then, brothers, until the Lord's coming." (James 5:7). This patience is inspired by hope. The hope that Jesus gives. The hope that knows that everything in this life is temporary. It was crazy because I was reading about it, then our pastor spoke about it, then I had a patient tell me she felt like Job! (Read the rest of James 5 to see why that is really cool). So I was happily able to share all that with her and also how I believe that sometimes we go through stuff so we can help other people. The Bible says He comforts us "....so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God." (2 Corinthians 1:4) And then this patient said the most unexpected thing to me after I felt I had been a light "You have suffered haven't you, Joy?" Wow. I did not expect that. I just numbly shook my head and mumbled something like "I think every one suffers some times." And as I reflect on that I feel like I got a word from God and he reminded me He sees me and he knows my past, present and future. And he's able to use all of it.
The last time it happened I felt lead to share some of my story. That was a huge leap for me. I do not like to share about some things, especially what most would deem my failures. But it was amazing because I was able to open up to a relationship with that person and keep pointing back to God as the one who brought me through that situation.
3 people, 3 different situations. God setting it up each time. To God be the glory.
I have been shown, especially in this past month or so, that some of the experiences I have gone through are happening in other people's lives. I am not talking about I hear about it and I feel bad for them. I am talking that these people have come to me with out any knowledge of me (very few people here know me or my story) and have just started sharing.
The first time it happened, I was like, what in the world? And I felt like I needed to share kindness with that person the way others have done for me in the past.
The next time it happened, God, in his providence, had been preparing my heart the week prior to think about patience. I learned that the Greeks have severalwords for patience but 2 that I have learned about-makrothymia and hypomone. There is one big difference in the patience these words describe. The first, makrothymia, is the fruit of the spirit patience. It is inspired my mercy toward others. It's the patience we need in the long grocery line, with difficult co workers or with our kids. The second, hyponome is the word James uses when he says "Be patient, then, brothers, until the Lord's coming." (James 5:7). This patience is inspired by hope. The hope that Jesus gives. The hope that knows that everything in this life is temporary. It was crazy because I was reading about it, then our pastor spoke about it, then I had a patient tell me she felt like Job! (Read the rest of James 5 to see why that is really cool). So I was happily able to share all that with her and also how I believe that sometimes we go through stuff so we can help other people. The Bible says He comforts us "....so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God." (2 Corinthians 1:4) And then this patient said the most unexpected thing to me after I felt I had been a light "You have suffered haven't you, Joy?" Wow. I did not expect that. I just numbly shook my head and mumbled something like "I think every one suffers some times." And as I reflect on that I feel like I got a word from God and he reminded me He sees me and he knows my past, present and future. And he's able to use all of it.
The last time it happened I felt lead to share some of my story. That was a huge leap for me. I do not like to share about some things, especially what most would deem my failures. But it was amazing because I was able to open up to a relationship with that person and keep pointing back to God as the one who brought me through that situation.
3 people, 3 different situations. God setting it up each time. To God be the glory.
Thursday, August 12, 2010
New
My husband got me a new Bible for my birthday. I had asked for a parallel Bible, which sets 2 translations of the Bible (NIV and The Message) side by side. I got exactly what I wanted and more. It is perfect for me. It is 2 shades of pink, Italian leather, has a concordance, little explanations before each book by Eugene Peterson and very few study notes. It has a shiny cover with crisp, white pages. I have looked at it and read it with delight and admired it's fantastic traits. I got it almost 3 weeks ago and I have not "used" it. When I say "used" I need to explain my current Bible.
The Bible I have now is from my 8th grade graduation. I have had that Bible about 25 years. I am embarassed to admit that up until a few years ago it go barely more than a cursory review every now and again. It has my full name stamped on the front cover and the date it was given to me written on the inside by my mom, along with her favorite verse. I have written my wedding day, my kids' birthdays, and my funeral requests in that Bible. It's verses are underlined, highlighted, circled, noted, referenced, dated, and named for family members who left the legacy of a life verse. It has cards and sermon notes stuck in the back. I look at it and realize it is my life, my heart intertwined with God's message and love for me. I am having a hard time letting go of it.
This seems to be a recurring theme in my life recently and each time I think it can't get anymore personal, it does. If feels like God is saying to me "Joy, I am the New Thing."
The Bible is FULL of the word "new" but it is especially present when God speaks his promises through the prophets.
"And what I do is put new spirit in them, get them up and on their feet again." Isaiah 57:15
"You'll get a brand-new name straight from the mouth of God." Isaiah 62:1
"Pay close attention now: I'm creating new heavens and a new earth." Isaiah 65:17
"God's loyal love couldn't have run out, his merciful love couldn't have dried up. They're created new every morning." Lamentations 3:22
"I'll give you a new heart. I'll put a new spirit in you." Ezekiel 11:16
And then Jesus came and really showed what "new" was:
"Come with me. I'll make a new kind of fisherman out of you." Mark 1:16
"He said, This is my blood, God's new covenant, Poured out for many people." Mark 14:23
"Let me give you a new command: Love one another. In the same way I loved you, you love one another. This is how everyone will recognize that you are my disciples—when they see the love you have for each other." John 13:34
Sometimes, ok, most of the time I want to cling to the old, the familiar, the safe and what I know. And I get stuck thinking of how I would like some of my "old life" back.
But that's not what God wants from me in this season. He doesn't want me to just observe, tolerate and occasionally appreciate the new things He's given me, He wants me to embrace it. To see it as the gift He is giving me each day. And my new Bible will be my reminder to do that. I definately won't throw away my "old" Bible. I will keep it, cherish it, go back and reference it often. It has taught me alot and it is valued. So with a lump in my throat and a few tears leaking out I have taken my old Bible out and put thee new Bible in the cover. I have made my first underline and date at Isaiah 43:19 (both translations) -"See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland." (NIV) and "Be alert, be present. I'm about to do something brand-new. It's bursting out! Don't you see it?" (The Msg)
I see it, Lord. Use this new Bible and new life to keep learning from you and about you. Praise you.
joy
The Bible I have now is from my 8th grade graduation. I have had that Bible about 25 years. I am embarassed to admit that up until a few years ago it go barely more than a cursory review every now and again. It has my full name stamped on the front cover and the date it was given to me written on the inside by my mom, along with her favorite verse. I have written my wedding day, my kids' birthdays, and my funeral requests in that Bible. It's verses are underlined, highlighted, circled, noted, referenced, dated, and named for family members who left the legacy of a life verse. It has cards and sermon notes stuck in the back. I look at it and realize it is my life, my heart intertwined with God's message and love for me. I am having a hard time letting go of it.
This seems to be a recurring theme in my life recently and each time I think it can't get anymore personal, it does. If feels like God is saying to me "Joy, I am the New Thing."
The Bible is FULL of the word "new" but it is especially present when God speaks his promises through the prophets.
"And what I do is put new spirit in them, get them up and on their feet again." Isaiah 57:15
"You'll get a brand-new name straight from the mouth of God." Isaiah 62:1
"Pay close attention now: I'm creating new heavens and a new earth." Isaiah 65:17
"God's loyal love couldn't have run out, his merciful love couldn't have dried up. They're created new every morning." Lamentations 3:22
"I'll give you a new heart. I'll put a new spirit in you." Ezekiel 11:16
And then Jesus came and really showed what "new" was:
"Come with me. I'll make a new kind of fisherman out of you." Mark 1:16
"He said, This is my blood, God's new covenant, Poured out for many people." Mark 14:23
"Let me give you a new command: Love one another. In the same way I loved you, you love one another. This is how everyone will recognize that you are my disciples—when they see the love you have for each other." John 13:34
Sometimes, ok, most of the time I want to cling to the old, the familiar, the safe and what I know. And I get stuck thinking of how I would like some of my "old life" back.
But that's not what God wants from me in this season. He doesn't want me to just observe, tolerate and occasionally appreciate the new things He's given me, He wants me to embrace it. To see it as the gift He is giving me each day. And my new Bible will be my reminder to do that. I definately won't throw away my "old" Bible. I will keep it, cherish it, go back and reference it often. It has taught me alot and it is valued. So with a lump in my throat and a few tears leaking out I have taken my old Bible out and put thee new Bible in the cover. I have made my first underline and date at Isaiah 43:19 (both translations) -"See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland." (NIV) and "Be alert, be present. I'm about to do something brand-new. It's bursting out! Don't you see it?" (The Msg)
I see it, Lord. Use this new Bible and new life to keep learning from you and about you. Praise you.
joy
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
Peace
The word pressing on me this morning as I think about what to post is "peace." I have been wrestling with even discussing this one. For some reason it is deep in my belief system that we don't talk about good things because others might think we are bragging. And we don't do that. We also would not want to make others who are struggling right now feel worse. But all of that is a lie and now that it is exposed, I want to look at Truth.
I think when most of us think about peace we think about the absence of turmoil, conflict, pain. But the Hebrew word for peace, Shalom also includes prosperity, well-being, joy, happiness, wholeness. Our understanding of peace has mainly a negative approach, a lack of something, whereas the Hebrew includes the positive aspects as well.
I have just been feeling overwhelming peace for the past while. I guess that's what it is. It's a feeling I have not felt in my core for a very long time. Some days it is much stronger than others but it is always present. I can't explain the feeling very well. It's not related to lack of conflict or stress because I still have plenty of that. But it is calm in my soul.
In the OT the Jews gave a voluntary peace offering on top of their burnt offering. They had a peace from the sacrifice given, from knowing that they were now right with God.
I believe my calm or peace has come from knowledge of being in God's will. A sense that the sacrifices we have made, the uncertain places we have gone, the tough lessons we have learned, the agenda's we have surrendered have been worth all of it. It is God's hand on us saying "You are doing great. Keep seeking, keep following. There will be more surrender, more sacrifice, and more lessons but now you know Me better. It will be a little easier next time."
I have come to love where we are. Not just location although I do really like Florida. When I think about how Shalom means prosperity, well-being, joy, etc. I think about how we have prospered as a family. How our time together and shared memories have grown exponentially. How the kids have come to embrace our lives. How we have been blessed with new friends. How we both have jobs that uniquely fit us. How our marriage has grown closer and we have grown more dependent on each other and God. How my husband is the leader in our home in everyway and I am taken aback when I see some of the changes in him. How we have found a church that is so uniquely fitted to us it boggles my mind. How I have been able to experience God in ways I never have. A total dependence on Him. We have been blessed so much that it almost feels wrong to hide it.
I love that Jesus says peace is a gift. “I am leaving you with a gift—peace of mind and heart. And the peace I give is a gift the world cannot give. So don’t be troubled or afraid." (John 14:27)
In the OT, the peace offering was divided in 3 ways, the best was given to God, the priest was given his share and the rest was given to the person as food. This was consumed in a celebration with family.
I know that I can't have any of this peace without the sacrifice of Jesus so my sins are forgiven. He was the final sacrifice, once for all. I can walk up right and be in fellowship with the One who loves me best and be able to offer my peace offering. I guess this is my mini celebration. My way of sharing my peace offering with all of you.
Thank you for celebrating with me.
I think when most of us think about peace we think about the absence of turmoil, conflict, pain. But the Hebrew word for peace, Shalom also includes prosperity, well-being, joy, happiness, wholeness. Our understanding of peace has mainly a negative approach, a lack of something, whereas the Hebrew includes the positive aspects as well.
I have just been feeling overwhelming peace for the past while. I guess that's what it is. It's a feeling I have not felt in my core for a very long time. Some days it is much stronger than others but it is always present. I can't explain the feeling very well. It's not related to lack of conflict or stress because I still have plenty of that. But it is calm in my soul.
In the OT the Jews gave a voluntary peace offering on top of their burnt offering. They had a peace from the sacrifice given, from knowing that they were now right with God.
I believe my calm or peace has come from knowledge of being in God's will. A sense that the sacrifices we have made, the uncertain places we have gone, the tough lessons we have learned, the agenda's we have surrendered have been worth all of it. It is God's hand on us saying "You are doing great. Keep seeking, keep following. There will be more surrender, more sacrifice, and more lessons but now you know Me better. It will be a little easier next time."
I have come to love where we are. Not just location although I do really like Florida. When I think about how Shalom means prosperity, well-being, joy, etc. I think about how we have prospered as a family. How our time together and shared memories have grown exponentially. How the kids have come to embrace our lives. How we have been blessed with new friends. How we both have jobs that uniquely fit us. How our marriage has grown closer and we have grown more dependent on each other and God. How my husband is the leader in our home in everyway and I am taken aback when I see some of the changes in him. How we have found a church that is so uniquely fitted to us it boggles my mind. How I have been able to experience God in ways I never have. A total dependence on Him. We have been blessed so much that it almost feels wrong to hide it.
I love that Jesus says peace is a gift. “I am leaving you with a gift—peace of mind and heart. And the peace I give is a gift the world cannot give. So don’t be troubled or afraid." (John 14:27)
In the OT, the peace offering was divided in 3 ways, the best was given to God, the priest was given his share and the rest was given to the person as food. This was consumed in a celebration with family.
I know that I can't have any of this peace without the sacrifice of Jesus so my sins are forgiven. He was the final sacrifice, once for all. I can walk up right and be in fellowship with the One who loves me best and be able to offer my peace offering. I guess this is my mini celebration. My way of sharing my peace offering with all of you.
Thank you for celebrating with me.
Saturday, June 19, 2010
Cross Roads
When I was a kid I had on orange winter coat. I loved that thing. I don't know why. I would be embarrassed to say that orange is my favorite color as that seems sort of strange. There is probably something significant about that and my personality and I would rather not know. I have noticed I am more "orangey" in the summer thanks to a great pair of capri's and flip flops. How many people have orange flip flops? It reminds me of my 4th grade teacher who wore great flip flops but my favorite were the gold ones. She was awesome. The orange became more apparent today as I was grocery shopping in said capris and flip flops, looking cute with earrings to match and I pulled an orange pen out of my purse. In addition my bedroom is painted this fantastic shade of orange. I love it. But that is not what I had intended to write about but wanted to share my orange observations with someone. And it's why the blog has a new look. :)
I have been given some opportunities here, professionally. They are quite similar to what I was doing before and I am thankful. I prayed that the gifts, skills and opportunities God gave me before would not be wasted. I was a little (ok alot) fearful as it is in my nature to leap headlong into new challenges and projects. Before I even know what's happened I am over booked, over extended and overstressed while my kids are short on hot meals, attention and time from their mom. I am fearful of making past mistakes. I am also aware that, on my own, I did those things because my worth and identity came from the recognition I got from those endevours.
I landed on a Bible verse one day as I was wrestling this through. The verse was this "Stand at the crossroads and look; ask for ancient paths ask where the good way is and walk in it, and there you will find rest for your souls." (Jeremiah 6:16) Smack in the middle of the verse I interjected-"This is troubling because I am at a cross roads. I fear making bad decisions."
The next day I was looking over an old devotional and this quote from Beth Moore jumped out at me "Every believer needs second chances. We know we are coming full circle with God when we stand at a very similar cross roads where we made such a mess of our life before, but this time we take a different road."
This is when I am thankful I journal because it wasn't until I turned back a page that the full message hit me.
When I read that I stand amazed of God's love for me and His desire to reveal Himself to me when I seek Him.
So what's my different road? I am still seeking it but I have pinned down a few things. I believe part of my professional "mission statement" is to ensure kids get the best healthcare and my role in that is modeling it when I can, advocating for them or teaching others. God and I agreed on that after my identity crisis as no longer being a "pediatric nurse." It was very helpful to do that as now I have a lens through which I can look and make clearer decisions about where I invest my time and energy professionally. In this "down time", however, I have also been given the opportunity to see how incredibly valuable my time with my family is. I honestly did not see before how much my kids need me and how much better my home runs when it is my family is my priority. It will need to be a very worthwhile endevour to ask me to give up any piece of that time. I am also working on seeing me how God sees me. I have not accomplished this on my own but with the help of very wise counsel. I know that He loves me just because He made me. Not because of any star or dot someone has put on me. And when I believe Him on that I can rest in that and quit trying so hard to earn his love and favor. Anything I do now is an outpouring of that love and not a way to earn it.
So that's where I am at. At the crossroads, coming full circle with God, looking at the ancient paths, asking Him "Which way now?" I can feel confident and not fearful in those decsions and it that my soul can find rest. Thank you Jesus.
in Christ,
joy
I have been given some opportunities here, professionally. They are quite similar to what I was doing before and I am thankful. I prayed that the gifts, skills and opportunities God gave me before would not be wasted. I was a little (ok alot) fearful as it is in my nature to leap headlong into new challenges and projects. Before I even know what's happened I am over booked, over extended and overstressed while my kids are short on hot meals, attention and time from their mom. I am fearful of making past mistakes. I am also aware that, on my own, I did those things because my worth and identity came from the recognition I got from those endevours.
I landed on a Bible verse one day as I was wrestling this through. The verse was this "Stand at the crossroads and look; ask for ancient paths ask where the good way is and walk in it, and there you will find rest for your souls." (Jeremiah 6:16) Smack in the middle of the verse I interjected-"This is troubling because I am at a cross roads. I fear making bad decisions."
The next day I was looking over an old devotional and this quote from Beth Moore jumped out at me "Every believer needs second chances. We know we are coming full circle with God when we stand at a very similar cross roads where we made such a mess of our life before, but this time we take a different road."
This is when I am thankful I journal because it wasn't until I turned back a page that the full message hit me.
When I read that I stand amazed of God's love for me and His desire to reveal Himself to me when I seek Him.
So what's my different road? I am still seeking it but I have pinned down a few things. I believe part of my professional "mission statement" is to ensure kids get the best healthcare and my role in that is modeling it when I can, advocating for them or teaching others. God and I agreed on that after my identity crisis as no longer being a "pediatric nurse." It was very helpful to do that as now I have a lens through which I can look and make clearer decisions about where I invest my time and energy professionally. In this "down time", however, I have also been given the opportunity to see how incredibly valuable my time with my family is. I honestly did not see before how much my kids need me and how much better my home runs when it is my family is my priority. It will need to be a very worthwhile endevour to ask me to give up any piece of that time. I am also working on seeing me how God sees me. I have not accomplished this on my own but with the help of very wise counsel. I know that He loves me just because He made me. Not because of any star or dot someone has put on me. And when I believe Him on that I can rest in that and quit trying so hard to earn his love and favor. Anything I do now is an outpouring of that love and not a way to earn it.
So that's where I am at. At the crossroads, coming full circle with God, looking at the ancient paths, asking Him "Which way now?" I can feel confident and not fearful in those decsions and it that my soul can find rest. Thank you Jesus.
in Christ,
joy
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
A real time journey
(Warning what you are about to read is a real time journey of my heart. It may not make complete sense but it is where Jesus lead my heart.)
I am at a point today where I am wondering how David had the guts to go to God and ask for forgiveness. When he was at his worst he was very bad. An adulterer, a murderer, a liar. What in his heart knew that he could turn to God? How did he so intimately know the concept of grace? The bigger question may be why don't I? Why do I feel like I can fail so greatly that I am not worthy of God's love and grace? That I believe that I am too ashamed to go to Him and ask for forgiveness for the same sins again and again. Why do I believe that it is best to just hide for awhile and maybe He and I can just forget all about it?
I don't want to get into the details that have brought this on, that's not what is important and it's between Jesus and me and the one I need to apologize too.
I have been trying to work my way through a book that should not take me so long to get through but I want to absorb as much as I can. The title is "Hinds Feet in High Places." It's a story about Much Afraid. She is working her way to the High Places on crippled feet and a crooked mouth. The Shepard is leading her and she is accompanied by Sorrow and Suffering. Her enemies are Self Pity, Bitterness, Pride, Resentment and Craven Fear.
I realized the other day that her and my enemies are not often from the outside or external circumstancesas is sometimes seems but from the inside and lies that I tell myself. These are the enemies who with their powerful words cause me to want to hide, to not ask forgiveness, that make me believe I am unforgiveable. They want me to believe that situations are hopeless, that I am unfixable, that if others would do or not do certain things I would be ok. It seems that every negative response or emotion I have stems from those 5 enemies. It would be nice if I could always recognize them and pray about it right away but sometimes it seems I am flung so deep into a pit that it takes me awhile to see it allow myself to be pulled out.
So back to the begining and David. David did try to hide and he tried to cover up what he had done at times. He did have to get to his lowest point and be faced with what he had done and faced the music (2 Samuel 11 and 12). He and God had a dialouge in the throes of all this in Psalm 32. I love how God starts the dialouge.
GOD: Blessed is he whose transgressions are forgiven, whose sins are covered. Blessed is the man whose sin the LORD does not count against him and in whose spirit is no deceit.
DAVID: When I kept silent, my bones wasted away through my groaning all day long. For day and night
your hand was heavy upon me; my strength was sapped as in the heat of summer.
Selah (pause)
Then I acknowledged my sin to you and did not cover up my iniquity. I said, "I will confess my transgressions to the LORD "—and you forgave the guilt of my sin.
Selah (pause)
Therefore let everyone who is godly pray to you while you may be found; surely when the mighty waters rise,
they will not reach him. You are my hiding place; you will protect me from trouble and surround me with songs of deliverance.
Selah (pause)
GOD: I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you and watch over you. Do not be like the horse or the mule, which have no understanding but must be controlled by bit and bridle
or they will not come to you. Many are the woes of the wicked, but the LORD's unfailing love surrounds the man who trusts in him.
DAVID: Rejoice in the LORD and be glad, you righteous; sing, all you who are upright in heart.
JOY: Thank you Father. Thank you that you are always there, ready to listen. Ready to forgive. Thank you for your grace. Thank you for the realness of your Word. Thank you that you used real people and their failings and real emotions to show your love and forgiveness. I am believing you and I am asking for your forgiveness, I am trusting your unfailing, unwavering love. Fill me with your Spirit so that I can ask for forgiveness from others and help me to give grace when I need to. Praise you Jesus.
joy
I am at a point today where I am wondering how David had the guts to go to God and ask for forgiveness. When he was at his worst he was very bad. An adulterer, a murderer, a liar. What in his heart knew that he could turn to God? How did he so intimately know the concept of grace? The bigger question may be why don't I? Why do I feel like I can fail so greatly that I am not worthy of God's love and grace? That I believe that I am too ashamed to go to Him and ask for forgiveness for the same sins again and again. Why do I believe that it is best to just hide for awhile and maybe He and I can just forget all about it?
I don't want to get into the details that have brought this on, that's not what is important and it's between Jesus and me and the one I need to apologize too.
I have been trying to work my way through a book that should not take me so long to get through but I want to absorb as much as I can. The title is "Hinds Feet in High Places." It's a story about Much Afraid. She is working her way to the High Places on crippled feet and a crooked mouth. The Shepard is leading her and she is accompanied by Sorrow and Suffering. Her enemies are Self Pity, Bitterness, Pride, Resentment and Craven Fear.
I realized the other day that her and my enemies are not often from the outside or external circumstancesas is sometimes seems but from the inside and lies that I tell myself. These are the enemies who with their powerful words cause me to want to hide, to not ask forgiveness, that make me believe I am unforgiveable. They want me to believe that situations are hopeless, that I am unfixable, that if others would do or not do certain things I would be ok. It seems that every negative response or emotion I have stems from those 5 enemies. It would be nice if I could always recognize them and pray about it right away but sometimes it seems I am flung so deep into a pit that it takes me awhile to see it allow myself to be pulled out.
So back to the begining and David. David did try to hide and he tried to cover up what he had done at times. He did have to get to his lowest point and be faced with what he had done and faced the music (2 Samuel 11 and 12). He and God had a dialouge in the throes of all this in Psalm 32. I love how God starts the dialouge.
GOD: Blessed is he whose transgressions are forgiven, whose sins are covered. Blessed is the man whose sin the LORD does not count against him and in whose spirit is no deceit.
DAVID: When I kept silent, my bones wasted away through my groaning all day long. For day and night
your hand was heavy upon me; my strength was sapped as in the heat of summer.
Selah (pause)
Then I acknowledged my sin to you and did not cover up my iniquity. I said, "I will confess my transgressions to the LORD "—and you forgave the guilt of my sin.
Selah (pause)
Therefore let everyone who is godly pray to you while you may be found; surely when the mighty waters rise,
they will not reach him. You are my hiding place; you will protect me from trouble and surround me with songs of deliverance.
Selah (pause)
GOD: I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you and watch over you. Do not be like the horse or the mule, which have no understanding but must be controlled by bit and bridle
or they will not come to you. Many are the woes of the wicked, but the LORD's unfailing love surrounds the man who trusts in him.
DAVID: Rejoice in the LORD and be glad, you righteous; sing, all you who are upright in heart.
JOY: Thank you Father. Thank you that you are always there, ready to listen. Ready to forgive. Thank you for your grace. Thank you for the realness of your Word. Thank you that you used real people and their failings and real emotions to show your love and forgiveness. I am believing you and I am asking for your forgiveness, I am trusting your unfailing, unwavering love. Fill me with your Spirit so that I can ask for forgiveness from others and help me to give grace when I need to. Praise you Jesus.
joy
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