When your child's not like the others...

Let me tell you about my daughter.  She is the only girl with 3 brothers.  She is a blond haired, blue-eyed, tall, and beautiful by the world's definition.  But as beautiful she is on the outside she is 100 times more beautiful on the inside.  She is loving, kind, empathetic, caring, giving, sweet by nature.  She makes friends everywhere she goes.  Others are drawn to her sweet light.
And this morning I sit here in tears for her.  As a mom one of the hardest things to hear is "Your child isn't like the other kids."  To keep in in perspective, she's not sick, she doesn't have an incurable disease.  I know parents who have dealt with far worse with their kids.  I know that.  My head knows that.  For some reason, after a meeting with her teacher this morning my heart hurts.
She has a language processing disorder, which basically means she doesn't process words spoken or read, the way a "normal" child does.  From kindergarten through 2nd grade a child learns to read, after that they read to learn.  If they are not processing well they fall behind pretty quickly.  She also has trouble knowing that her addition facts are the same every time and don't need to be recalculated.  She has memorized very few.  She has NO confidence in math.
I am hearing the teacher talk about "academic services" in addition to the speech/language therapy she gets already.  And words like "resource room,"  "held back," "special needs," fly through my head.  And I get scared.  I don't want this for my daughter.  I want her to fly through a passage and answer all the questions correctly.  I want to be able to ask her "What's 2+3?" and have her answer "5" confidently every time and not "4" or "2" or wait for her to do it on her fingers.
And because I am a mom I take all of this on me.  I go clear back to when I carried her inside of me.  I should have taken the stupid vitamins. The grief and stress I felt after dad died and my increased cortisol levels affected her developing brain.  Didn't I talk to her enough as an infant?  Was I so sad I forgot to?  Did I work to much?  Did having her younger brother born 20 months after her affect hinder my ability to monitor her development?   Did she have a good daycare?  Did she spend too much time in daycare?  Was it too much time in the car going with me to work 45 minutes each way?  Too much TV?  Should the fact that she could not remember her colors until preschool clue me in to a bigger problem and was there more I should have done then?  How long did she have hearing loss before she finally got tubes?  How long did she have loss before she got the 2nd and then 3rd set of tubes?  What could I have been/done differently so that my sweet girl would not have to struggle now?   My heart breaks.
I know I can't change the past.  I am scared and intimidated when I look at all the time and resources she is going to need to hopefully get caught up.  I believe a lie that I have failed miserably thus far, how can I help her at all going forward?  I am not equipped.  I don't have time to devote one on one with 3 other kids that need my attention after school too.  How am I going to do this?  I can't.  Right?
The Truth:
Whatever I have, wherever I am, I can make it through anything in the One who makes me who I am."  Philippians 4:13 The Message
I don't feel it right now but I have to believe that God who made me and made my girl didn't make a mistake in how how he made us and he didn't make a mistake giving her to me to raise.  And she and I can and will make it through any thing.  I will remember all the wonderful things he made when he made her.  I know he will use that heart of gold for his kingdom.  My job is to protect that spirit.  To show her and build on the strengths she has focus less on the weaknesses.  
I would covet your prayers for strength, wisdom and patience as we navigate through this.  Thanks for hearing me this morning.  
Blessings,
joy

Love lessons....

An open letter to my sweet nephew and his girlfriend who became engaged a few weeks ago,

I am sad to not be closer to share in all the planning and engagement festivities.  Know you are close to my heart and this is my attempt at giving you what I would give you over time if I were closer but now you get it all in one big letter.

I am so excited for you guys.  Marriage is fun.  It is great to have your best friend with you all the time.  It is so cool when, after you have been married a few years and you think you know every thing, you are still discovering new things about each other.  Your spouse is like a lifetime gift you get to unwrap everyday.  (Cue the hearts, cherubs and rose petals.) 

After 16 years of wedded, perfect bliss, I deemed myself the one to dole out unsolicited advice. You are welcome.  :)  So what do you need to know so you can have the perfect marriage like mine?  

Riggghhhht....ok, so not perfect but after 16 years we are together and that says something right?  And regarding that lifetime gift? Well, most days it is, but sometimes it's like a Uni Bomber package that has caught you unaware.  So in my effort to save you some struggles, cause you know I hate to see you hurt, here's a few things I have learned.  

First of all, EXPECTATIONS.  Expectations, everyone has them.  The dance, the success, comes in our ability to acknowledge them and to express them.  A small scale example:  I come home and the house isn't what I would expect it should look like and I am mad.  It was MY expectation that the sink would not only be empty but scrubbed clean, all messes would be picked up and the floor would be spotless.  However, if I do not express what "clean" is to me.  My husband is left to guess and do the best he can with what he feels clean is.  A wise counselor told me once to use the phrase "I need..."  It is how I acknowledge that I am not communicating what my expectations are and that I am getting frustrated at Steve's lack of mind reading skills.  As couples we don't have expectations just about household chores.  They are everywhere from how to hang the toilet paper, to what we are doing on Friday night. to how much money we save, to how much sex we have, to how our kids are raised.  EVERYONE comes into a marriage with their own life experiences and a vision with what life is going to look like.  That's fine but remember the other one in the marriage has done the same thing.  And when those visions clash, that's when conflict starts.  Every time you become frustrated ask yourself, is this an unspoken expectation that is not being met for me?  If the answer is yes, take a deep breath and a time out and figure out how to best express that expectation and what (if anything) your spouse can do.

Which brings me to my next point.   Here's the deal.  Steve and I have had our struggles.  From our own baggage prior to marrying, to postpartum depression, to losing his mom and my dad within a month of each other, midlife career change,  financial issues,  moving 6 people 1300 miles from everything we all had ever known and everything in between.  Through the power of Christ, an extremely supportive family, a gifted counselor and good friends we are still here.  I wish could tell you one thing that Steve did to change to make me happy and make our marriage work but I can't.  The change came within me.  The change came one day when suddenly realized I was fighting what God made him to be.  I was fighting who he was to the core and that wasn't going to change.  I was fighting good things (passion, loyalty, a strong work ethic, a need to provide for his family) but they didn't line up with my expectations or vision about what I thought life should look like so I fought them.  When I could finally take a step back and see my selfishness.  When I could stop comparing him to others and our marriage to other marriages.  When I could set down my pride and need to be right.  I could then see the man God made for me.   I could see him in a whole new light.  And that's when change came.  Lesson learned:  Quit trying to fix the other person when it is actually yourself that probably needs to change.  

As a husband, Steve is great.  He does a lot of things really well, however, if I could pick the one thing he has done consistently well since day 1 is call me "Beautiful."  Every day.  Now that was appropriate a decade and a half a go in my wedding gown with my hair just so and a body of a young 20 something.  That was before 4 kids, gray roots, and a slllooowwweeddd metabolism.  Yet he still says it and I usually say something like "I am glad you think so" in a self deprecating way.  But inside it makes me feel really good.  Affirm each other.  

Faith...you gotta have faith...it's true.  You need to have a shared faith. You need to have a faith you can share with each other.  Be able to pray for and with each other.  I am telling you there is NOTHING more powerful to draw you closer.  For each marriage that looks different.  Accept what works for you guys. Don't try to be what others expect or you think others expect.  But don't accept that nothing is ok.  Be involved in a community of believers who will be able to walk along side of you in good times and bad.  The ones who will step in a pray for you.  The ones who stick around in the tough times because they aren't afraid because know how big God is and will be able to keep showing you his love.  Start where you are and commit to grow closer to each other and to Christ.  

That's the highlights.  Of course you know, I am an open book and I am honest to a fault.  I am here for you to listen, pray, encourage, whatever you need.  

Love you!

Your loving, cool, and most awesome Aunt,

Joy

 

The "but what if's" and me

I have quote a favorite quote by Malcom Muggeridge:

“Every happening, great and small, is a parable whereby God speaks to us, and the art of life is to get the message.”       

I really do believe this quote.  The problem is that it can make me CRAZY sometimes.  I believe some of the ways God teaches me are the way he blesses me, in the small things that make me crazy and in the decisions I make.  When it comes to major (read-expensive, long term) decisions, I am pretty deliberate in laying things out before him and waiting seeking Him for confirmation that this is the right idea, decision, choice.  However, I am an over thinker and this can get a little muddy at times.  

I have a situation going on in my life right now that is driving me NUTS for this very reason.  I'll try to explain it without taking up pages and pages of web space.  

About 1 1/2 weeks ago, my area of the world seemed to be in line for a pretty good sized hurricane.  This would be our first since moving to Florida and we were still trying to wrap our heads around this and get preparations made should this actually hit us.  When the storm was about 4-5 days away, I had a night where I literally could not sleep.  I have a bad habit of searching the net on my blackberry for what ever question I have.   On this night, I was searching "preparing for a hurricane."  In my search, I thought to myself  "Maybe we need a generator."   So I searched Lowe's, found one that was a reasonable price and fell asleep.  I woke up the next day, dropped the kids off and went straight to Lowe's. On the way, I said  a quick prayer asking God to show me what was best.  I wandered around, found the generators, but alas they were all the huge ones that could power a football field. Sigh.  But wait, I turn around and on a cart was the exact generator I was looking for!  "Do you have any more of those?"  "Yes, one more."  A sign!  At the end of the aisle he sat with a beam of fluorescent light shining on him.   As I spoke the young man who would help me out with this beast, he informs me he had lived on the beach his whole (short) life and he'd never lost power.  Really?  A little bump in my sign but still undeterred.  

Let me back up a few days to me telling my darling husband "We need to save some money, so no major purchases this week."  

I was feeling a little guilty about this expensive impulse purchase even though my husband was very supportive (after he reminded me of my saving money comment) and agreed we needed this thing.  I went home, remembered a little monitor dealy-thing-a ma-gig that needed to be returned to Lowe's and an expired Lowes 10% off coupon.  I told myself I wouldn't have brought the coupon in if I wasn't going back anyway for the return.   On the way there, I asked/told the God of the Universe "What am I doing?  Are you planning to humble me here?  Am I going to look like an idiot asking for an expired 10% off an item I already purchased?  So be it." I felt so compelled I just kept going.  Well, I didn't look like an idiot.  The girl at the desk said she couldn't use it because it was over a month expired.  Then she paused and said "Unless you put up a fuss and ask to speak with the manager."  I looked at her and said "I'm fussing? Is the manager available?"  She called him he said "Go ahead."  And that was it.  

So I leave feeling blessed, secure in God's hand and prepared for what ever blows our way.  Fast forward to 3 days later, this hurricane turns and heads north and those poor people are still without power.  

This seems like a no brainer right?  This was a good decision. A blessing.  Right?  

Three days after this storm does not hit us I am looking at my pending pay check and realize I am short on hours because I didn't submit vacation time for a day I was off (I was so distracted by the stupid hurricane news I never thought about it).  AND the amount I am short is the price of that stupid generator. (Are you noticing how the love for the blessing of the generator has changed?) So I am seriously questioning myself and my ability to hear God.   I want to return that thing so badly (I have 30 days).   It sits in my garage and mocks me every time I pull in.  I ask everyone I see what they think I should do.  Most say "Keep it.  You'll need it...eventually."  And they all go back the storms of 2004-SEVEN years ago!!!  And that was a once in 100 year freak season.   I figure I still have 93 more years before I need this thing.  Can you tell this is killing me?  I am calling this a bad case of the "but what ifs." 

Return the generator "but what if"  we get a hurricane in 2 weeks?  It's supposed to be an active season.  If we go without power and don't have a generator it will be all my fault. 

Keep the generator "but what if" our car breaks down or another unexpected expense comes up and we don't have any money for it?  

I am quite good at this game and I can play it all day long.  I can apply it to any number of situations.  I have done it a long time.  I know it's name.  In my world it's called FEAR.  Fear can be called lots of other things-lack of trust, anxiety, unbelief, my imagination.  Fear causes my heart to pound, blurs my actual circumstances and my focus is on the "what ifs."  The next thing that happens is I doubt.  I doubt God, his presence, his love.  I doubt what I know about him, what I believe.  At this point I begin to try to control and calculate my circumstances. I wrap my arms around everything and it becomes "Mine!"  Which quickly leads to the next curve ball, Fear throws past mistakes in to my face and makes me believe its my future.  

Jesus and I have been walking together for quite awhile.  I count it a blessing that I am able to name this, even if it sometimes takes me awhile.  After I name it,  I know what I need to do.  Obviously, this is a battle I am fighting, and in Ephesians, it says that the sword of the Spirit is the Word of God.  I need armor for protection but when I am in battle I need a sword.  Where do I start in the Bible?  Sometimes I just open up the Psalms.  David dealt with the same stuff we do and he knew how to lay it out.  I also go to the back of my bible in the concordance and I look up "fear," "afraid," "anger" or "money."  What ever I am dealing with at the time.  Then I look up the verses associated with it.  Another great resource is www.biblegateway.com.  If you know a piece of a verse but aren't sure of the rest, you can plug it in and search for it.  Or you can search a word and it will give you the verses where that word or phrase appears.  I just searched "afraid" and I was reminded again how often God has to say to his people "Don't be afraid...."  he then follow those words with any number of reasons to not be afraid.  "Remember how I was with you before?"   "I will fight for you."   "Judgement is mine" and He goes on and on and says it again and again.  

So through this "happening," this generator, this metaphor for my whole life,  God is still trying to teach me.  "Don't be afraid.  Stop trying to figure this out.  I will make it clear in my time, not yours."  God would have alot less trouble with me if he gave me the ability to see the future. :)  My trust issues will have to be a whole other post.  

Oh, and as I went to BibleGateway's home page, their verse of the day (chosen especially for me) is:

“This is what the LORD says— your Redeemer, the Holy One of Israel: “I am the LORD your God, who teaches you what is best for you, who directs you in the way you should go.” Isaiah 48:17 NIV

Ok, Lord, I am hearing you...Surrender...Rest...Listen...Wait...Don't be afraid...Trust.  

Can't do it without you Jesus. 

joy

You know you are a pediatric nurse when...

I had the honor and privilege to sit with a group of like minded nurses this week as I interviewed for a job at a wonderful children's hospital in Orlando.  I have been feeling the itch to get back to a pediatric ER for a little while.  I love where I am right now.  I have no desire to leave.  I just want to supplement what I am doing so I can bring back to my full time job more knowledge, more best practice and more ideas to better take care of kids in our area. 
The beauty in nursing as a profession you are only limited by your imagination.  There are jobs available if you are willing to get out of your comfort zone, look a little bit and put your self out there.  I have been very blessed in this career. 
How did my interview go?  They offered me a full time position.  As stated above, that is not what I am looking for.  Also this hospital is 75 miles away.  At this point in my life it would be like trying to fit the round peg of my family into the square peg "my career."  If I have learned anything in the past year or so, it's I am not defined by my career.  My value and worth are not directly tied to what I do to earn money.  I can make an impact in my workplace.  I pray that's what God is using me for.  But my family is what's going to go on long after I am gone from this planet.  It's my family that's going to be the testimony of the kind of person I was. 
So back to where I started, the awesome pediatric nurses.  As I left them, I got to thinking about what a unique breed of nurses we are.  So I woke up this morning and I little list popped in my head. I just what to share it with you.  It's original, well thought out title is... 
"You know you are a Pediatric Nurse when...."
1) Children don't scare you.  Parents do.
2) You know all the words to the Barney song, Sponge Bob Squarepants, Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star and are unashamed to sing badly to calm and distract an anxious child. 
3) You pay attention to the words you use and tell every child there are no cats in the CAT scan because one time you didn't and had a very sad, confused patient.
4)  You use words like blue lines (veins), straws (IV catheter), soap (antiseptic), bee sting, pinch, poke to explain and IV start or blood draw to a child. 
5) You know bubbles and stickers are an essential part of nursing care.  It is a cardinal sin to not give out stickers to every child.
6) You could be a side show act at a carnival because you can state a babies age to the month just by looking at them and know a child's weight within 3-5 pounds just by knowing their age (after you convert it from kilograms).
7)  You have called the cops after seeing unrestrained children jumping around in the back of a moving car.
8)  Friends, relatives, neighbors call upon you to examine lacerations, extremity injury, rashes, fever "just to see what you think."
9)  You have heard "You work with kids?  It must be so sad."  more times than you can count.
10)  You know you work with kids because you are just caring for a patient.  You are caring for a future Albert Einstein, Michael Jordan, Taylor Swift, or Hilary Clinton.  You know a child has all that potential in them and you have seen and know what amazing odds they can overcome.  And when the outcome is not good, its a mixture of sadness and privilege to have been "chosen" to cross the families world at this time. 

So to all my pediatric nurse friends, you have crossed my mind over and over as I type this list.  I thank God that you were given this passion, this calling.  I pray that you will remember, even on the bad days, what an honor it is to care for these little souls.  You are following after the One who loves these children most of all.
"But Jesus called the children to him and said, “Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these."  Luke 18:16God bless,

joy

A Mom's Prayer on the First Day of School

Good morning Jesus.  It's quiet isn't it?  Is this what silence is?  It's nice to spend some of the quiet with you.
How did I get to this point of being a mom to an 8th, 7th, 3rd and 1st grader?  Where has the time gone?  Am I really that old? How can a 25 year old have an 8th grader?  I'm not 25?  Last time I checked, I had 1 little baby and now poof, there's 4!  And they are all in school!!  Did I blink? 
Thanks for the summer.  We had such fun together.  Sure we had our moments.  But I have been very blessed by the bonds our family has formed.  The kids all hugged each other before the 2 littlest headed out the door.  So sweet, so precious. 
Thank you for the morning.  The first day is so great when they are excited for the "new."  So excited for new clothes, new teacher, new friends.   Bind that feeling to our hearts.  Give them that excitement for everyday.  Show them that every day brings new possibilities,  new potential. 
I'm a mom and I worry.  I know the best way to handle those worries is give them to You.  I am wrapping my kids up as the gifts they are and giving them to you (again!).  I know you love them even more than I do and your love is perfect.  I know you are with them right now, what ever they are doing so I don't need to fuss. 
Father I pray they make good choices this year.  I pray they make the right choice on their tests, with the friends they choose and even what they eat for lunch.  Show them the right way.  Make it plain to them. Help them to shine brightly where ever they are.   
About those friends, the boys asked me about that this morning.  "Should I only have Christian friends?"  I told them "No."  I explained Christian friends are important because they encourage you and give you accountability but they should also have non Christian friends.  I told them they could be a light and encouragement for those kids too.  I asked them to not judge people by their clothes or the color of their skin or by what they have or don't have.  Then You to drive it home You showed me that lady on the side of the road.  The one I am quick to judge when I care for her at the hospital.   I hear You.  I see.  Thanks for the timely reminder Jesus.   I'm still learning too. 
Father, I pray for those teachers.  Give them wisdom, energy, and patience to make it through each day.  Help them to see the precious lives they are hlelping to mold and shape. Give them discernment to see the ones who need an extra touch, kind word or extra help with their class work.
They will be coming home soon.    Too soon for me to get done the long list of things I had planned to do for "as soon as the kids are in school."  Make the tranisition smooth.  Help all their kids on the bus be sweet and not foul mouthed spitters.    And when they blow through the door, help me to give them the love and attention they need.  Help me to make sure they feel heard and loved.  Help me to give them balance between home work, after school activities and play time. 
Thank you Father.   Thank you for letting me be the mom to these kids.  For some reason, You decided I was qualified to be the mom to this unique bunch of kids.  It's my greatest joy but it's what humbles me every day.  I know I fall short every day but I also know You have them securely in Your hand and they are going to be all right. 
In your powerful Name,
joy

On my First Annual 39th Birthday

Ok so it's been 2 MONTHS since I have been on this blog.  I was a little concerned blogger had shut me down for unuse or I would have forgotten my password.  Then my friend Trish got to posting this week (you can find her blog here) and I felt inspired again. 
Writing on this blog is  sometimes a challenge because I know how much of myself I am putting out there.  And at this point in my life, I am meeting and trying to grow friendships.  There is that voice that says "Don't write that, you'll look stupid."  or something equally condemning or isolating.   Then Miss Trish also posted a quote that is going to go permantently on my blog "“First, I do not sit down at my desk to put into verse something that is already clear in my mind.  If it were clear in my mind, I should have no incentive or need to write about it.We do not write in order to be understood; we write in order to understand.”~C.S. Lewis
And I got stuff I need to understand. :)  But that's for future, more soon to be published blogs. Today is my birthday and it's a day that I am just going to put out there, Who is Joy?  What do I want people to know about me? 
Let's see.  Jesus is my friend.  That's first and that's true.  Without Him in my life I would be even nuttier than I already seem to be. 
I have been married to 1 man for 16 years and I can look you straight in the face and say it gets better and better.  Ladies I'd like to be able to give you a tip for how to mold your man into what you are wanting.  But the change came in me and accepting him and loving him the way God made him to be.  That is all.
I have 4, yes 4, kids.  And it seems like that is the Waltons of the new millenia.  I get lots of shocked looks when I tell people that and a sense that no one gave me the population control memo.  But they are all great.  They are old enough now to know that the way to soften me up is to make me laugh.  (I love to laugh!)  My 2nd son does this Napoleon Dynamite imitation that makes me giggle every time.  I can't stop myself.
I am highly distractable and sort of hyperactive.  It is painful for me to get a hair cut because of the time I have to spend sitting.  And I can't fidget and I can't sit on my leg or cross my legs.  My 2 favorite ways to sit. 
I have always loved water and sun.  That is not new since moving to the Sunshine State.  The summers of my youth were spent at the public pool nearly every day from open to close. 
I love to read and I love my little Nook.  I am a book collector of sorts.  I don't collect for value.  I collect them for the comfort of knowing I can read them as soon as I am ready.  I need to relinquish my library card.  I am horrible about returning books.  I am not sure I have ever gotten books back on time.  
I start and sustain each day with a steady stream of Mt Dew.  I know it's not good for me and I am trying to drink more water.  But this has been my reality for 20 + years.  I am not going to change it. 
Which probably leads to and contributes to the fact that I am a night owl.  The Real Housewives of New York, New Jersey, Atlanta, Miami, and Orange County (oh yeah, I named them all) do contribute to my late nights.  Those women are like a bad car wreck.  You know you should look away but you can't.  Sigh....
My name is Joy and I am a blackberry addict.  No I don't have an I Phone.  It is likely divine intervention that I don't.  My children and husband could very well starve or live in dirty clothes or filth if I did.  What do I do with it?  I follow facebook and twitter.  I follow links to different pages  that people post.  I love that it's like a treasure hunt.  It's like in your Bible, when it references different verses at the bottom, I love to follow those around too.  I love information.  I google every thing.  I follow the blogs of Ann Voskamp, Jon Acuff, Chris Sprad, and Angie Smith. 
A former boss once told me about a job of "Thought Leader" (I don't  think that it exists any longer in today's economy.)  but I love the idea and know that I am one.  I am an idea person.   Execution, kind of suck at it.  I am painful for the Type A's to watch because I procrastinate.  I try to tell people, give me deadlines or trust me that I will get it done.  I don't like watching their eye lids twitch but it's just the way I am. 
Everyone has a love language and mine is time.  If you love me and want me to know it take some time with me.  It's interesting because time is my most valuable asset.  It doesn't bother me if something turns out to be a "waste of money" but if you waste my time.  Watch out.  That is a pet peeve. 
Oh pet peeves, I have a few of those.  Mouth noises.  HATE that.  Meetings that waste time by never having any new content.  People who talk loudly on their cell phones to the exclusion of every one around them.  Dirty socks on the floor. 
My passions?  My family.  My faith.  A desire for people to know they are loved, first by a heavenly Father, then by me.  Kids.  My kids, your kids, all kids.  I have a passion, as a nurse, to help others take great care of children.  Writing.   It feels good to be sitting at this computer and putting some words out there.  I love words.  I love stringing them together and praying that it may benefit some one, some time. 
Ok so that 's me.  That's where I have landed in 39 years. I wish it was more "wise."  But I am still learning and  trying to understand too.  And that's what will bring me back here again. 
much love,
joy

I've just got to say something

I had not really heard much talk about the end of the world, aka the Rapture, until this week.  I guess I don't have any billboards here letting me know. I don't get too involved in all that because 1-In Matthew 24, Jesus clearly states that no one but the Father knows the day or the hour and 2-I am secure in my salvation. 
So it's not the prediction that bothers me, it is the response I have been seeing to it.  This post if for those of you who are not in the number 2 category.
How does one receive salvation?  I say receive because you can't "get" it.  It's a gift from God.  It is a gift of forgiveness for EVERY sin you have committed.  It is a gift of grace, undeserved favor,  because we will never get it exactly right.  Salvation is not a list of "don'ts" and "dos."   The choices we make will be from an outpouring of love for Him after we spend time with Jesus in his Word and with other believers. 
What starts as a decision culminates into a love relationship, that like any relationship takes time to develop.  It takes time to fully embrace Jesus' love for us. It takes time fully give that back to him.  It is a lifelong process.  It is a lifetime of victories and shortcomings.  No one is perfect, not one.  That's why the Bible says "There is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus."-Romans 8:1.
But since God didn't make us robots, he gave us free will, he wants us to choose Him.  How do you do that? So it's not hard.  Jesus doesn't ask from us more than we can give.  It's as simple as confessing "Jesus I am a sinner.  I have screwed up in so many ways."  repenting "I am sorry. I want a new thing in my life. " and believing "I believe that you are the only one who can save me.  Thank you that you loved me so much you died for me."  And that's it.  I am sure you will have more to say once you realize you are talking to the Living God.  But that's all.  Just confess, repent, and ask, then know that He has heard you and you are saved. 
Sometimes we get caught in a lie of "Well you did that once but you screwed up so much it doesn't count." or "Did you really mean it when you prayed that in a "weak" moment?"  My answer is yes.  In Ephesians 1 it says we are SEALED in our salvation.  It means we can't lose it.  It can't be taken away from us.  So if you have been saved but you are living a life with shame.  You can go back to the Father.  He knows your name.  He remembers you and He loves you.  Like the father in the story of the prodigal son He's running toward you right now if you would just look up.  Confess it, ask for forgiveness and know that the slate is wiped clean. Receive His love and grace. 
I am not going to say anymore because I don't want to overwhelm.  If you have questions, I would be happy to try and answer them or I may forward them on to a more knowledgeable source. Email me at joyf72@gmail.com
Take care and have a blessed, secure day.
joy