Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Peace

The word pressing on me this morning as I think about what to post is "peace." I have been wrestling with even discussing this one. For some reason it is deep in my belief system that we don't talk about good things because others might think we are bragging. And we don't do that. We also would not want to make others who are struggling right now feel worse. But all of that is a lie and now that it is exposed, I want to look at Truth.
I think when most of us think about peace we think about the absence of turmoil, conflict, pain. But the Hebrew word for peace, Shalom also includes prosperity, well-being, joy, happiness, wholeness. Our understanding of peace has mainly a negative approach, a lack of something, whereas the Hebrew includes the positive aspects as well.
I have just been feeling overwhelming peace for the past while. I guess that's what it is. It's a feeling I have not felt in my core for a very long time. Some days it is much stronger than others but it is always present. I can't explain the feeling very well. It's not related to lack of conflict or stress because I still have plenty of that. But it is calm in my soul.
In the OT the Jews gave a voluntary peace offering on top of their burnt offering. They had a peace from the sacrifice given, from knowing that they were now right with God.
I believe my calm or peace has come from knowledge of being in God's will. A sense that the sacrifices we have made, the uncertain places we have gone, the tough lessons we have learned, the agenda's we have surrendered have been worth all of it. It is God's hand on us saying "You are doing great. Keep seeking, keep following. There will be more surrender, more sacrifice, and more lessons but now you know Me better. It will be a little easier next time."
I have come to love where we are. Not just location although I do really like Florida. When I think about how Shalom means prosperity, well-being, joy, etc. I think about how we have prospered as a family. How our time together and shared memories have grown exponentially. How the kids have come to embrace our lives. How we have been blessed with new friends. How we both have jobs that uniquely fit us. How our marriage has grown closer and we have grown more dependent on each other and God. How my husband is the leader in our home in everyway and I am taken aback when I see some of the changes in him. How we have found a church that is so uniquely fitted to us it boggles my mind. How I have been able to experience God in ways I never have. A total dependence on Him. We have been blessed so much that it almost feels wrong to hide it.
I love that Jesus says peace is a gift. “I am leaving you with a gift—peace of mind and heart. And the peace I give is a gift the world cannot give. So don’t be troubled or afraid." (John 14:27)
In the OT, the peace offering was divided in 3 ways, the best was given to God, the priest was given his share and the rest was given to the person as food. This was consumed in a celebration with family.
I know that I can't have any of this peace without the sacrifice of Jesus so my sins are forgiven. He was the final sacrifice, once for all. I can walk up right and be in fellowship with the One who loves me best and be able to offer my peace offering. I guess this is my mini celebration. My way of sharing my peace offering with all of you.
Thank you for celebrating with me.

Saturday, June 19, 2010

Cross Roads

When I was a kid I had on orange winter coat.  I loved that thing.  I don't know why.  I would be embarrassed to say that orange is my favorite color as that seems sort of strange.  There is probably something significant about that and my personality and I would rather not know.  I have noticed I am more "orangey" in the summer thanks to a great pair of capri's and flip flops.  How many people have orange flip flops?  It reminds me of my 4th grade teacher who wore great flip flops but my favorite were the gold ones.  She was awesome.  The orange became more apparent today as I was grocery shopping in said capris and flip flops, looking cute with earrings to match and I pulled an orange pen out of my purse.  In addition my bedroom is painted this fantastic shade of orange.  I love it.  But that is not what I had intended to write about but wanted to share my orange observations with someone.  And it's why the blog has a new look.  :)

I have been given some opportunities here, professionally.  They are quite similar to what I was doing before and I am thankful.  I prayed that the gifts, skills and opportunities God gave me before would not be wasted.  I was a little (ok alot) fearful as it is in my nature to leap headlong into new challenges and projects.  Before I even know what's happened I am over booked, over extended and overstressed while my kids are short on hot meals, attention and time from their mom.  I am fearful of making past mistakes.  I am also aware that, on my own, I did those things because my worth and identity came from the recognition I got from those endevours. 
I landed on a Bible verse one day as I was wrestling this through.   The verse was this "Stand at the crossroads and look; ask for ancient paths ask where the good way is and walk in it, and there you will find rest for your souls." (Jeremiah 6:16) Smack in the middle of the verse I interjected-"This is troubling because I am at a cross roads. I fear making bad decisions." 
The next day I was looking over an old devotional and this quote from Beth Moore jumped out at me "Every believer needs second chances.  We know we are coming full circle with God when we stand at a very similar cross roads where we made such a mess of our life before, but this time we take a different road."
This is when I am thankful I journal because it wasn't until I turned back a page that the full message hit me. 
When I read that I stand amazed of God's love for me and His desire to reveal Himself to me when I seek Him. 
So what's my different road?  I am still seeking it but I have pinned down a few things. I believe part of my professional "mission statement" is to ensure kids get the best healthcare and my role in that is modeling it when I can, advocating for them or teaching others.  God and I agreed on that after my identity crisis as no longer being a "pediatric nurse."  It was very helpful to do that as now I have a lens through which I can look and make clearer decisions about where I invest my time and energy professionally.  In this "down time", however, I have also been given the opportunity to see how incredibly valuable my time with my family is.  I honestly did not see before how much my kids need me and how much better my home runs when it is my family is my priority.  It will need to be a very worthwhile endevour to ask me to give up any piece of that time.  I am also working on seeing me how God sees me.  I have not accomplished this on my own but with the help of very wise counsel.  I know that He loves me just because He made me.  Not because of any star or dot someone has put on me.  And when I believe Him on that I can rest in that and quit trying so hard to earn his love and favor.  Anything I do now is an outpouring of that love and not a way to earn it.   
So that's where I am at.  At the crossroads, coming full circle with God, looking at the ancient paths, asking Him "Which way now?"  I can feel confident and not fearful in those decsions and it that my soul can find rest.   Thank you Jesus. 
in Christ,
joy

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

A real time journey

(Warning what you are about to read is a real time journey of my heart. It may not make complete sense but it is where Jesus lead my heart.)
I am at a point today where I am wondering how David had the guts to go to God and ask for forgiveness.  When he was at his worst he was very bad.  An adulterer, a murderer, a liar.  What in his heart knew that he could turn to God?  How did he so intimately know the concept of grace?  The bigger question may be why don't I?  Why do I feel like I can fail so greatly that I am not worthy of God's love and grace?  That I believe that I am too ashamed to go to Him and ask for forgiveness for the same sins again and again.  Why do I believe that it is best to just hide for awhile and maybe He and I can just forget all about it? 
I don't want to get into the details that have brought this on, that's not what is important and it's between Jesus and me and the one I need to apologize too. 
I have been trying to work my way through a book that should not take me so long to get through but I want to absorb as much as I can.  The title is "Hinds Feet in High Places."  It's a story about Much Afraid.   She is working her way to the High Places on crippled feet and a crooked mouth.  The Shepard is leading her and she is accompanied by Sorrow and Suffering.  Her enemies are Self Pity, Bitterness, Pride, Resentment and Craven Fear. 
I realized the other day that her and my enemies are not often from the outside or external circumstancesas is sometimes seems but from the inside and lies that I tell myself.  These are the enemies who with their powerful words cause me to want to hide, to not ask forgiveness, that make me believe I am unforgiveable.  They want me to believe that situations are hopeless, that I am unfixable, that if others would do or not do certain things I would be ok.    It seems that every negative response or emotion I have stems from those 5 enemies.  It would be nice if I could always recognize them and pray about it right away but sometimes it seems I am flung so deep into a pit that it takes me awhile to see it allow myself to be pulled out. 
So back to the begining and David.  David did try to hide and he tried to cover up what he had done at times.  He did have to get to his lowest point and be faced with what he had done and faced the music (2 Samuel 11 and  12).  He and God had a dialouge in the throes of all this in Psalm 32.  I love how God starts the dialouge.
GOD:  Blessed is he whose transgressions are forgiven, whose sins are covered. Blessed is the man whose sin the LORD does not count against him and in whose spirit is no deceit.
DAVID:  When I kept silent, my bones wasted away through my groaning all day long.  For day and night
your hand was heavy upon me; my strength was sapped as in the heat of summer.
Selah (pause)
Then I acknowledged my sin to you and did not cover up my iniquity. I said, "I will confess my transgressions to the LORD "—and you forgave the guilt of my sin.
Selah (pause)
Therefore let everyone who is godly pray to you while you may be found; surely when the mighty waters rise,
they will not reach him. You are my hiding place; you will protect me from trouble and surround me with songs of deliverance.
Selah (pause)
GOD:  I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you and watch over you.  Do not be like the horse or the mule, which have no understanding but must be controlled by bit and bridle
or they will not come to you. Many are the woes of the wicked, but the LORD's unfailing love surrounds the man who trusts in him.
DAVID:  Rejoice in the LORD and be glad, you righteous; sing, all you who are upright in heart.
JOY:  Thank you Father.  Thank you that you are always there, ready to listen.  Ready to forgive.  Thank you for your grace.  Thank you for the realness of your Word.  Thank you that you used real people and their failings and real emotions to show your love and forgiveness. I am believing you and I am asking for your forgiveness,  I am trusting your unfailing, unwavering love. Fill me with your Spirit so that I can ask for forgiveness from others and help me to give grace when I need to.  Praise you Jesus. 
joy