Thursday, December 30, 2010

Not forgotten...

The last post I did for those facing a difficult Christmas season.  It was a helpful blog for me to sort through, yet in spite of it I still found myself in a funk and just sort of getting through it.  I didn't want that but that's just how it was.  In the middle of my pit I could not see exactly what was bringing me down. 
If it was homesickness and the ache of hearing the sounds of "I'll be home for Christmsas..." I could deal with that.  That seems "normal."  No this is an area I would have formerly put in the "weak" or "lame" or "pathetic" category and it is Lonely.  Much different than being "alone."  I have gotten used to "alone" and adapted to it.  Lonely is when you want to have a connection with someone so bad it almost hurts.  My husband gets a little offended when I talk about this as he feels I am not alone unless I have him and the kids around.  This is true and probably speaks to my need to be more content with the blessing of my family.  But here's the deal, it's kind of hard to not ask myself, "We have been here 10 months and I don't know if anybody here would call us "friends."  We have people we hang out with occasionally.  People that we work with and like.  But not sure who I would call in a crisis if I needed help.  Am I a loser? 
This came to a head on Christmas Eve as I muddled through Christmas Eve service longing for the familiar of our church in Iowa, asking myself when is this going to feel like home, when am I going to stop comparing and appreciate this?  And then the ugly thought that all these other people have family and friends to go to and out I go with my family, alone.  I didn't even have Christmas Eve dinner prepared.  My sweet husband was thinking Chic Fil A would be open and I was hoping for Chinese.  Neither one worked.  After we opened presents I was so entirely drained that when the kids acted up a bit I called off the going to look at Christmas lights and hot cocoa-our family tradition.  
Christmas Day was at Walt Disney World along with a million other people doing their own Christmas thing.  It was actually a really good place to be that day. 
I could not have verbalized any of this until 2 evenings this week we were blessed to spend them with some Iowa friends.  The filing I received in my spirit was very sweet.  One person noted the alll the hugs and she was right. If you come down here I will hug you to death. This time of year has me so starved for the familiar that I was chatting up the family in the Iowa sweatshirts on the tram at WDW like we were old friends-until the little girl threw up on my son and I's shoes.  :)
God made us to be in relationship.  I know that is true.  But as I search my Bible, what keeps coming up is the call to turn back to God to meet all my needs.  I need to know that I am not forgotten even when the enemy wants me to believe I am. This has become a spiritual battle. And my weapon is the "sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God" (Ephesians 5:17) I remember I am not forgotten -"I will not forget you! See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands..." (Isaiah 49:16).  I am loved so deeply by the God of the Universe “I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with unfailing kindness." (Jeremiah 31:3).  I am not ever alone.  "If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there. If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast." (Psalm 139:8-10)
The reality is that relationships take time to develop.  Patience is not my strongest suit.  God has shown up and showed me I am not alone. He has shown me His love in the sweetest ways.  It is those moments I have clung to in the middle of all of this.  I want to conclude with a little story. 
I work with another nurse, that over the course of time God has allowed many conversations to occur about faith, prayer and end times (her favorite topic).  I try to tell her that I am not worried.  My salvation is secure.  We talk about church and her aversion to going.  (Please pray as I navigate that as well)  We also have talked about angels and our common belief.  I gave her a Christmas book to read about angels thinking a) she would like this and b) she needed to read something different than end of times stuff.  And I told her that.  She returned the book the next day with a gift wrapped in red tissue paper.  She shrugged and said it wasn't a big deal but believe me when I tell you it was a very big deal to me.  You can see a picture of the gift below.  I touched my heart so much as it is exactly the kind of ornaments my dad used to make.  And right away the feeling I had was "See, you are not alone. I have not forgotten your heart. You are loved"  I love the moments when my Heavenly Father sound very much like my earthy father. 

So that's it.  Full circle again.  Thanks for walking with me.  Hope I haven't made you too dizzy. 
Praying for a blessed new year,
joy

Monday, December 13, 2010

An open letter to anyone for who Christmas is different this year...

Dear Friend,
I am not writing this to be preachy or Bible thumping.  I am writing you this letter because I have experienced a December when my dad was diagnosed with cancer 1 week before Christmas and 3 Christmases later I faced Christmas with out him, my husband was laid off at every Christmas for the past 3 years, and now Christmas in an entirely different state from my mom and my sisters and their families.  Part of this is sharing what has brought me through and part of this is keeping me together and focused on the Main Thing this season. 
Christmas is different this year isn't it?  Someone or something is missing.  Loss and change hurt all the time but it hurt especially so this time of year, regardless of how the loss occured-death, divorce, a move. Maybe you are in a different place physically, mentally, financially, emotionally than you expected to be.  Maybe you are in this place because of your choices or maybe you had no choice whatsoever. All of these circumstances make us look at Christmas last year, compare it to this year and wonder "What happened?"   Everything is different. 
Now what?  Honestly, I don't know.  I was hoping someone could tell me. :)  It's at moments like this that I have to go the Truth. 
My favorite scripture to remember this time of year is Isaiah 61.  I heard it once referred to as Jesus's job description.  We so often focus on baby Jesus this time of year and that is awesome.  We remember that because it  shows Jesus came as a man.  He experienced life on earth as we have.  He faced the same things we do.  But don't forget the "Why did he do it?"  The first few verses of Isaiah 61 sum it up best. 
"He sent me to preach good news to the poor, heal the heartbroken, announce freedom to all captives, pardon all prisoners. "
I think that summarizes what takes away our joy at Christmas doesn't it?  The enemy tries to convince us every day and especially every day of December, that Christmas is for the happy, the well off, the well connected, the put together, the perfect.  But if that's all there was, there would be no reason for Jesus to come.  Jesus came not for the face on our Christmas card pictures, but for the struggles that we would not even consider putting in the Christmas letter. 
"God sent me to announce the year of his grace— a celebration of God's destruction of our enemies— and to comfort all who mourn, to care for the needs of all who mourn in Zion, give them bouquets of roses instead of ashes, messages of joy instead of news of doom, a praising heart instead of a languid spirit."
Grace-God's greatest gift. Unmerited favor. The gift of salvation not based on who we are, what we do right, how much we give or what church we go to.  A gift only worth something if you receive it, open it, experience it.  It's not a gift to set on a shelf to observe and study.  It's a gift to RECEIVE!  Grace destroys the enemy because it takes away the "You are not good enough" argument.  Grace doesn't just cover some of our sin, it covers ALL of it.  Romans 5: 17-18 says it well: "If death got the upper hand through one man's (Adam's) wrongdoing, can you imagine the breathtaking recovery life makes, sovereign life, in those who grasp with both hands this wildly extravagant life-gift, this grand setting-everything-right, that the one man Jesus Christ provides?"
Now that's a message of joy. Wipe off thoses ashes of guilt, receive the bouquet of "grace roses" He is giving you right now. 
Rename them "Oaks of Righteousness" planted by God to display his glory.   Isaiah 61:1-4 (The Message)
A new name.  If you read this blog, you know how much I love this about God.  God takes those called "poor", "broken hearted", "captives", "prisoners" and renames them Oaks of Righteousness.  An oak with deep roots, who has been tested and withstood the winds of trial, by God's grace.  An upright oak with branches that point up to the One who gets the glory.  A strong, mighty oak who will be able give strength to someone else when they are hurting in a similar way- "....so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God." (2 Corinthians 1:4). 
This, to me, is the most important part. December 25 willl come and it will go and life will get back to "normal."  You will get through it. But do not "waste" this struggle you are going through.  Don't just endure the season.  Don't forget it.  Open your eyes and see that He is carrying you.  Don't miss those who are coming along side of you.  Don't forget the "God sightings" (some call them coincidences, I disagree). These are God's way of showing you He is right there with you in the midst of all of this.  Remember it, write it down if you have to and put it in your box of Christmas decorations for next year.
And in 2011 use it to comfort others.  Tell others and give God the glory.  Praise him.  Thank him. 
Jesus, I want to lift up my friends who are hurting. Help them to lay their pain before you. Comfort them.  Give them peace.  Show them your love and grace in real, tangible ways, Father.  Surround them with people who can comfort as they have been comforted.  Help them to start to feel the strength of the mighty oak.  Only you can give this Jesus.  And only because you came to this earth 2010 years ago.  Thank you for the gift of You. 
joy

Monday, December 6, 2010

Mary and Elizabeth

 Mary and Elizabeth. I was reading a small devotional the other day that talked about how Mary went to Elizabeth because she was another woman in a similar circumstance. It emphasized the importance of relationships for women and how we should have those relationships with other women like us-young moms, working moms, bible study ladies, etc.


For some reason, that just isn't landing right with me or my experience in this season of life. Don't get me wrong. I have, in the past, been in those mom's groups, had a fabulous group of women to work with who shared similar struggles and joys, discussed the Bible with amazing women. On top of all that I have been blessed with an AWESOME family of 5 sisters and we are definitely bonded by family ties. But I think what keeps us close is our ability to share what God is doing in our very different lives. Which brings me to my point.


The ONLY thing Mary and Elizabeth had in common were their pregnancies and the hand God had in them. OK not a small thing. But they were different. Mary was a poor young girl from a tiny town. Elizabeth was married to a priest with high standing and she was OLD.


They were so very different from each other but Mary still ran to Elizabeth because of what they shared in common. They saw beyond their differences and bonded over what they shared.


My "support" here is diverse and eclectic. When you are building a new network of friends you are not able to say "Well, before I had this friend and she looks like a good replacement for her." It doesn't work. Trust me, I've tried.


I tried to find a nice Bible study that would give me a nice group of women to replace the ones I lost. In the ER, you work with lots of different people and so each shift is different and you could be the only female on your team. So that is a poor replacement for my all female work team of 12, most of which were moms too. No way can I "replace" friendships I've had since childhood. Replacement isn't what God is asking for. No, again God has another plan-a new thing.


Sometimes God puts people in our lives that when we first meet we think we have very little in common because of what we see on the outside. But I have been blessed with the surprises that in time once you get to know them and their heart you find you have more in common than you thought. And the in the differences are fun discoveries and things to learn.


And like Mary and Elizabeth, hope and joy is shared. Support is offered. Memories are made. A safe place is found.


Jesus, you know making new friends is not the easiest for me and you have made it so much easier when I was finally able to open my eyes to see who you’ve put around me. Help me to be a good friend, Father, to my precious old friends and my new ones.

Trying to be a friend who loves at all times,
joy