Monday, October 31, 2011

Mom Mondays Vol 1

So I've noticed some bloggers dedicate certain days of the week to certain themes.  So I thought I would try "Mom Monday's"  I chose this because after having a weekend with the children I need to debrief and this seems like a great forum to do it.
I always have great visions for the weekend.  I especially cherish my weekend because I work 1/2 of them and so I want to make the most of the 26 per year I have off.  So this causes me to put a ton of EXPECTATIONS on the limited time we have together.  I want to make memories, I want to complete projects, I want to clean, I want to play, I want to have peace, I want family time, I want couple time, I want me time, I want resign from motherhood by Sunday evening because it wasn't all I thought it should be and the kids didn't act the angels I expected them to be.  It's the reason the Real Housewives and Kardashians are so popular on my TV on Sunday evening.   It's comforting to see a bigger train  wreck than mine.
Sigh....will I ever learn?  Baby steps people, baby steps.  I think part of the pressure I put on myself is the realization that time is FLYING by.  I can't stand it.  I look at my 14 year old and I don't see 14, I see 4 years shy of 18, 2 years shy of a drivers license.  And I begin to hyperventilate.  It's too fast.  I'm still learning.  Part of it is "Give me another chance to do this right."  and part of it is "The last 14 years have gone by in a heartbeat, 4 years is going to be gone in no time flat."  I need to get a grip on this.
I am thankful to be mindful of this.  On Thursday night, It's the Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown came on.  It is our tradition to watch these together.  My oldest was all about cuddling up and being in my space that night and I am a person who tends to like her space.  It wouldn't be so bad if he wasn't so big and heavy.  I started to protest when the thought came "He may have a job next year.  He may be busy with friends.  He may not want to cuddle up with his mom any more."  So I grabbed the moment and savored it.
There is a book I read when he was little.   It's called "Let Me Hold You Longer" by Karen Kingsbury.  Its a sweet book that basically says we do a great job of chronicling and celebrating firsts (first smile, first steps, first day of school, etc) but what about the lasts?  How would we respond if we knew the last time our child would wake in the night to be comforted, the last flower they pick and bring you, the last picture they color and put on the fridge, the last tuck in at night, the last  time you help with a test, the last car ride you had to give, the last conversations about romance and their future.  The book ends with a prayer I think of often:
 "Let me hold on longer, God, to every precious last."
As time accelerates, my heart is pricked by this every so often to stop, savor, enjoy the moment.  Don't take the small things for granted.  It's those things you will cherish.  It's those things that bind your family together.
I pray this blesses your mom heart this morning.
Love you,
joy

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

the church, anger, social justice-also known as Tuesday in my world

We went to church on Sunday.  For people who have known me this should not be significant.  I am a "church goer,"  at least I was until I found myself in a place of Sunday mornings at home and not going. I'm not going to get into all the reasons of not going.  I'm still trying to process that.  But part of it was anger and disillusionment with "church" and what it is and it's value in my world.
Anyhoo, this Sunday we went to a church that a friend invited us to go to.  And what do you think that pastor spoke about?  Anger, specifically Jesus' anger in the temple. Really, how did he know I was coming?   In Matthew 21, John 2 and Mark 11, the story of Jesus's anger in the temple courts is told.  The point on Sunday was Jesus's anger with "institutionalized religion" and how far it had gotten from what it was intended.  And I get that. I love the "church universal".  I love fellow brothers and sisters in Christ.  I have loved hearing testimonies, praying with and celebrating with them regardless of what building they worship in on Sundays.  
But I have looked at churches and conflicts in churches and wonder "How angry would Jesus be if he came into this meeting?"  A church puts on a nice face on Sunday mornings but when you get to looking at how pastors are treated and interactions in "private meetings" that are mean, I wonder "Is this how Jesus called us to treat each other?  Or treat anyone for that matter?"  What is it in a church that fills people with this "I am so clearly right and you are so obviously wrong" attitude and why is it in a church that people feel like its ok to just spout that off and be unwilling to give.  I have witnessed these conflicts from afar and I have been in the thick of it.  It's real and I don't have the answers to why.  But the pastor pointed out on Sunday that in the paragraph immediately following where Jesus "loses it" he goes on  with his ministry. (Matthew 21:12-14).  He doesn't stew, he doesn't take time to hash it out with his disciples, he doesn't need to tell everyone his side and sway them with his arguments, he doesn't pout, he doesn't send nasty emails, he doesn't go directly to the high priest and tell him what a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad job he is doing and he's got to go.  No, no he doesn't do that.  He goes on with his ministry.  Now that was a point well taken and I pray that whoever is lead to read this and whoever needs to hear it that the Holy Spirit is sitting heavy and the conviction (NOT condemnation) is present.  If you are struggling wtih anger and the church, follow Jesus's example of righteous anger, deal with it and go on with your ministry.  
I studied this same story as John recounted it with a friend a couple of years ago.  You can find it in John 2.  We noticed that it is consistently mentioned about overturning the people selling doves.  In Leviticus (I think) it talks about how if you couldn't afford a "big" offering, you could offer a dove.   In fact, Jesus's parents offered the doves in Matthew when they presented him at the temple, which told me he grew up not as a person of wealth but among the poor.  And maybe the poor where being charged too much for the doves.  Maybe they were being taken advantage of. And when we studied that passage my thought was about Jesus's anger for injustice for the poor.  And it's ok to be angry about that too.  It's ok to be angry about cruelty, injustice, and bullying.  
Let me tell you a story.  I had a patient.  He was homeless. He was older.  He did not have an ID because it kept getting stolen or someone took it.   He had an old head injury and his speech and his memory was affected.  He walked with a cane. He was sent out of a facility the same day with the phone number and address to a mission and money for a cab.  He chose to go to the liquor store and buy a pint of vodka.  That's where the police found him and brought him to me. Thank you very little.  He came in drunk but sobered up in a  few hours.  He knew was not familiar with the area, I think he knew a major storm was coming and he was afraid to leave because he didn't know where to go.  Now some of you would stop right there and say, he made his choice and now he needs to deal with it. And I could have too and I have said "Too bad, so sad.  Bye, bye now." to plenty of patients but there was something in this that wouldn't let me do that.  
Because of his head injury he could not tell me too much about his history, his resources or his support but he did know his mother's phone number.  So I called this sweet woman in the midwest so far from her son.  She gave me his background and I heard the hurt and fear in her voice.  And my mother's heart was pricked and I knew if one of my kids was that far away from me I would pray someone would treat them with kindness.  After much debate and discussion it was determined he could sleep in the lobby overnight and then get a cab to the mission in the morning.  Feeling good about that, I called his mom and told her he'd be ok for the night and clocked out and headed out the door.  On my way to the car, something told me to go tell him that I let him know that his mom knew he'd be ok.  I went to the lobby and couldn't find him.  I asked the security officer and he said that he was getting his things together to leave.  I asked if that was what the gentleman wanted and he (the officer) said he had to go.  The rain had stopped and it was time to go.  He couldn't stay here.  Never mind that it was supposed to rain all night.  
Well, a "conversation" ensued between the officer and I about what I said was "supposed" to happen and what he said "was going to" happen.  He clearly didn't see my crown or scepter that made me queen of the world and justice and good and he wasn't hearing it.  So before I got myself into too much more trouble I left and I called my supervisor, who was at home and probably thinking he'd left that place behind him.  And he told me he'd try to make a call and I told him I'd try to forget about it  (I tend to hang on to things) and then I hung up and I cried.  Because that's what I do when I am sad and I don't know how to fix things.  And I prayed.  And I left it to Jesus.  Because he knows this man.  He knows his mom.  He knows I did all that I could do.  And He's got it all in his hand.  And that's how alot of my stories end these days.  Let it go.  Trust.  I did all I could.  I did the right thing.  right?  
Any way, anger for injustice is ok too.  
Anger for not getting your way, not ok.  Hurting people, breaking hearts, causing insecurity in anger.  Not ok. Very, very bad.  I am the first to admit, my anger is more unjustified that righteous.  But I think sometimes we who get angry, start to fall into the trap that all anger is bad.  That's not true either.  The principle to remember is "In your anger do not sin."  (Ephesians 4:26)  
And what does the Lord require of you?  To do justice, to love mercy and walk humbly with your God. (Micah 6:8)  That's not too hard.  right?
joy

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Why I am thankful to be an ER nurse

It's Emergency Nurse's Week.  As I've said before, I became a nurse so that I could work with kids but my ADD brain means the ER is the best place for me to work.  I work in a 56 bed ED that sees like 65,000 patients a year.  It is the BUSIEST, most HIGH STRESS environment I have ever worked in and I LOVE it.  There have been many changes and higher than normal stress situations recently.  I have seen and heard things I don't understand. I keep reminding myself "that there for the grace of God go I."  Bad things can happen to anyone of us as nurses.  We do our best with the information we have and what we perceive and make split second decisions.  99.9% of the time we right are but when it's not, it can be devastating.  All of this has been rolling around in my head and I realized this morning it was time for a "thankful list."  When things seem most pressing my dad used to say "Count your blessings."  It has been a recurring theme in my life this year to be THANKFUL no matter what the circumstances.  So here's my list of:
WHY I AM THANKFUL TO BE AN ER NURSE

  1. I never know what is going to be behind door number 1 or 32 or 53 or(wherever my assignment is) when I walk in.  For some people the unknown is a little unnerving.  For the ER nurse it's the challenge of the job.  The "chief complaint" listed on the computer screen is rarely the main issue.
  2. As a nurse I sometimes have the opportunity spend a little time with patients and peel back  the layers on the patient's story.  I liken it to an analogy of an onion.  You keep peeling and you will find the real deal and it stinks most of the time and sometimes can make you cry (out of sadness, frustration, tiredness, disbelief, etc).  
  3. Even if a patient is AWFUL (Awful means angry for no reason, crazy, screaming, climbing out of bed with a broken hip, on the call light every 30 seconds, demanding pain meds after doses that would put an elephant to sleep) you know you will be rid of them by discharge or admission and they will be SEP (someone else's problem) soon enough. 
  4. The shift rarely drags on.  It is the usual to get started and be in perpetual motion until by tummy says "Time for a cookie and a Mt Dew" and the first half of the shift has flown by. 
  5. I get to work with the most amazing group of people.  As a "mid-shifter" I get to work with both the day and night crew.  I can honestly say they are different personality types but equally great to work with.  
  6. The above mentioned group of people have a crazy sense of humor and I get to laugh at work a lot.  I wish I could tell a non-ER person what's funny but you wouldn't get it. Oh and google "You might be and ER nurse if..."  They are all true. Seriously, they are.  
  7. I would be remiss if I didn't mention the people who run the show-from the Director to the charge nurses and everyone in between.  I am blessed to work under stellar leadership (not just sucking up although I think Boss's Day is coming up so this counts as my tribute to them.)  I see just a snap shot of what's going on in the ER and they see and deal with it all.  They handle a crazy amount of pressure ridiculously well.  They continue to try to make the ER great place to work while meeting challenges and resistance from all angles.   Thank you to all of them.   I know you do a lot of work that we don't see.  
  8. I get to hear lots of stories.   I love a person's story.  It is a blessing to my heart to ask an elderly couple "How long have you been married?"  And then not just hear "66 years" but the story of how they met.  Gives me goosebumps.
  9. I am challenged and convicted in my spirit every day.  It is the easiest way to be jaded with someones' pain and be harsh right back at the patient who is screaming at you.  But I know I am called to show compassion and caring to all of my patients.  I also know that most of the time I fall short.  Really, most people just want to be heard, a warm blanket and a turkey sandwich ( a little known fact of the ER is that the turkey sandwiches are apparently so good that some people ask for one as soon as they enter the exam room!) 
  10. Lastly,  I am thankful I have a job.  I am doubly blessed because I have a job I love.  I did not apply anywhere else when we moved down here and I didn't have any idea what the hospitals were like.  The job I got was the exact hours I wanted to work in a place that is great with people who are amazing.  That's another whole story and at the time I didn't know it would work out so well.  God is good.  
So that's it!!! Any others that you think of, feel free to comment -remember this is a family blog :)
Thank you to all the amazing ER nurses, medics, HUCS and CNA's I get to work with everyday.  You are all a blessing to me.  
joy