Not forgotten...

The last post I did for those facing a difficult Christmas season.  It was a helpful blog for me to sort through, yet in spite of it I still found myself in a funk and just sort of getting through it.  I didn't want that but that's just how it was.  In the middle of my pit I could not see exactly what was bringing me down. 
If it was homesickness and the ache of hearing the sounds of "I'll be home for Christmsas..." I could deal with that.  That seems "normal."  No this is an area I would have formerly put in the "weak" or "lame" or "pathetic" category and it is Lonely.  Much different than being "alone."  I have gotten used to "alone" and adapted to it.  Lonely is when you want to have a connection with someone so bad it almost hurts.  My husband gets a little offended when I talk about this as he feels I am not alone unless I have him and the kids around.  This is true and probably speaks to my need to be more content with the blessing of my family.  But here's the deal, it's kind of hard to not ask myself, "We have been here 10 months and I don't know if anybody here would call us "friends."  We have people we hang out with occasionally.  People that we work with and like.  But not sure who I would call in a crisis if I needed help.  Am I a loser? 
This came to a head on Christmas Eve as I muddled through Christmas Eve service longing for the familiar of our church in Iowa, asking myself when is this going to feel like home, when am I going to stop comparing and appreciate this?  And then the ugly thought that all these other people have family and friends to go to and out I go with my family, alone.  I didn't even have Christmas Eve dinner prepared.  My sweet husband was thinking Chic Fil A would be open and I was hoping for Chinese.  Neither one worked.  After we opened presents I was so entirely drained that when the kids acted up a bit I called off the going to look at Christmas lights and hot cocoa-our family tradition.  
Christmas Day was at Walt Disney World along with a million other people doing their own Christmas thing.  It was actually a really good place to be that day. 
I could not have verbalized any of this until 2 evenings this week we were blessed to spend them with some Iowa friends.  The filing I received in my spirit was very sweet.  One person noted the alll the hugs and she was right. If you come down here I will hug you to death. This time of year has me so starved for the familiar that I was chatting up the family in the Iowa sweatshirts on the tram at WDW like we were old friends-until the little girl threw up on my son and I's shoes.  :)
God made us to be in relationship.  I know that is true.  But as I search my Bible, what keeps coming up is the call to turn back to God to meet all my needs.  I need to know that I am not forgotten even when the enemy wants me to believe I am. This has become a spiritual battle. And my weapon is the "sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God" (Ephesians 5:17) I remember I am not forgotten -"I will not forget you! See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands..." (Isaiah 49:16).  I am loved so deeply by the God of the Universe “I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with unfailing kindness." (Jeremiah 31:3).  I am not ever alone.  "If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there. If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast." (Psalm 139:8-10)
The reality is that relationships take time to develop.  Patience is not my strongest suit.  God has shown up and showed me I am not alone. He has shown me His love in the sweetest ways.  It is those moments I have clung to in the middle of all of this.  I want to conclude with a little story. 
I work with another nurse, that over the course of time God has allowed many conversations to occur about faith, prayer and end times (her favorite topic).  I try to tell her that I am not worried.  My salvation is secure.  We talk about church and her aversion to going.  (Please pray as I navigate that as well)  We also have talked about angels and our common belief.  I gave her a Christmas book to read about angels thinking a) she would like this and b) she needed to read something different than end of times stuff.  And I told her that.  She returned the book the next day with a gift wrapped in red tissue paper.  She shrugged and said it wasn't a big deal but believe me when I tell you it was a very big deal to me.  You can see a picture of the gift below.  I touched my heart so much as it is exactly the kind of ornaments my dad used to make.  And right away the feeling I had was "See, you are not alone. I have not forgotten your heart. You are loved"  I love the moments when my Heavenly Father sound very much like my earthy father. 

So that's it.  Full circle again.  Thanks for walking with me.  Hope I haven't made you too dizzy. 
Praying for a blessed new year,
joy

An open letter to anyone for who Christmas is different this year...

Dear Friend,
I am not writing this to be preachy or Bible thumping.  I am writing you this letter because I have experienced a December when my dad was diagnosed with cancer 1 week before Christmas and 3 Christmases later I faced Christmas with out him, my husband was laid off at every Christmas for the past 3 years, and now Christmas in an entirely different state from my mom and my sisters and their families.  Part of this is sharing what has brought me through and part of this is keeping me together and focused on the Main Thing this season. 
Christmas is different this year isn't it?  Someone or something is missing.  Loss and change hurt all the time but it hurt especially so this time of year, regardless of how the loss occured-death, divorce, a move. Maybe you are in a different place physically, mentally, financially, emotionally than you expected to be.  Maybe you are in this place because of your choices or maybe you had no choice whatsoever. All of these circumstances make us look at Christmas last year, compare it to this year and wonder "What happened?"   Everything is different. 
Now what?  Honestly, I don't know.  I was hoping someone could tell me. :)  It's at moments like this that I have to go the Truth. 
My favorite scripture to remember this time of year is Isaiah 61.  I heard it once referred to as Jesus's job description.  We so often focus on baby Jesus this time of year and that is awesome.  We remember that because it  shows Jesus came as a man.  He experienced life on earth as we have.  He faced the same things we do.  But don't forget the "Why did he do it?"  The first few verses of Isaiah 61 sum it up best. 
"He sent me to preach good news to the poor, heal the heartbroken, announce freedom to all captives, pardon all prisoners. "
I think that summarizes what takes away our joy at Christmas doesn't it?  The enemy tries to convince us every day and especially every day of December, that Christmas is for the happy, the well off, the well connected, the put together, the perfect.  But if that's all there was, there would be no reason for Jesus to come.  Jesus came not for the face on our Christmas card pictures, but for the struggles that we would not even consider putting in the Christmas letter. 
"God sent me to announce the year of his grace— a celebration of God's destruction of our enemies— and to comfort all who mourn, to care for the needs of all who mourn in Zion, give them bouquets of roses instead of ashes, messages of joy instead of news of doom, a praising heart instead of a languid spirit."
Grace-God's greatest gift. Unmerited favor. The gift of salvation not based on who we are, what we do right, how much we give or what church we go to.  A gift only worth something if you receive it, open it, experience it.  It's not a gift to set on a shelf to observe and study.  It's a gift to RECEIVE!  Grace destroys the enemy because it takes away the "You are not good enough" argument.  Grace doesn't just cover some of our sin, it covers ALL of it.  Romans 5: 17-18 says it well: "If death got the upper hand through one man's (Adam's) wrongdoing, can you imagine the breathtaking recovery life makes, sovereign life, in those who grasp with both hands this wildly extravagant life-gift, this grand setting-everything-right, that the one man Jesus Christ provides?"
Now that's a message of joy. Wipe off thoses ashes of guilt, receive the bouquet of "grace roses" He is giving you right now. 
Rename them "Oaks of Righteousness" planted by God to display his glory.   Isaiah 61:1-4 (The Message)
A new name.  If you read this blog, you know how much I love this about God.  God takes those called "poor", "broken hearted", "captives", "prisoners" and renames them Oaks of Righteousness.  An oak with deep roots, who has been tested and withstood the winds of trial, by God's grace.  An upright oak with branches that point up to the One who gets the glory.  A strong, mighty oak who will be able give strength to someone else when they are hurting in a similar way- "....so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God." (2 Corinthians 1:4). 
This, to me, is the most important part. December 25 willl come and it will go and life will get back to "normal."  You will get through it. But do not "waste" this struggle you are going through.  Don't just endure the season.  Don't forget it.  Open your eyes and see that He is carrying you.  Don't miss those who are coming along side of you.  Don't forget the "God sightings" (some call them coincidences, I disagree). These are God's way of showing you He is right there with you in the midst of all of this.  Remember it, write it down if you have to and put it in your box of Christmas decorations for next year.
And in 2011 use it to comfort others.  Tell others and give God the glory.  Praise him.  Thank him. 
Jesus, I want to lift up my friends who are hurting. Help them to lay their pain before you. Comfort them.  Give them peace.  Show them your love and grace in real, tangible ways, Father.  Surround them with people who can comfort as they have been comforted.  Help them to start to feel the strength of the mighty oak.  Only you can give this Jesus.  And only because you came to this earth 2010 years ago.  Thank you for the gift of You. 
joy

Mary and Elizabeth

 Mary and Elizabeth. I was reading a small devotional the other day that talked about how Mary went to Elizabeth because she was another woman in a similar circumstance. It emphasized the importance of relationships for women and how we should have those relationships with other women like us-young moms, working moms, bible study ladies, etc.


For some reason, that just isn't landing right with me or my experience in this season of life. Don't get me wrong. I have, in the past, been in those mom's groups, had a fabulous group of women to work with who shared similar struggles and joys, discussed the Bible with amazing women. On top of all that I have been blessed with an AWESOME family of 5 sisters and we are definitely bonded by family ties. But I think what keeps us close is our ability to share what God is doing in our very different lives. Which brings me to my point.


The ONLY thing Mary and Elizabeth had in common were their pregnancies and the hand God had in them. OK not a small thing. But they were different. Mary was a poor young girl from a tiny town. Elizabeth was married to a priest with high standing and she was OLD.


They were so very different from each other but Mary still ran to Elizabeth because of what they shared in common. They saw beyond their differences and bonded over what they shared.


My "support" here is diverse and eclectic. When you are building a new network of friends you are not able to say "Well, before I had this friend and she looks like a good replacement for her." It doesn't work. Trust me, I've tried.


I tried to find a nice Bible study that would give me a nice group of women to replace the ones I lost. In the ER, you work with lots of different people and so each shift is different and you could be the only female on your team. So that is a poor replacement for my all female work team of 12, most of which were moms too. No way can I "replace" friendships I've had since childhood. Replacement isn't what God is asking for. No, again God has another plan-a new thing.


Sometimes God puts people in our lives that when we first meet we think we have very little in common because of what we see on the outside. But I have been blessed with the surprises that in time once you get to know them and their heart you find you have more in common than you thought. And the in the differences are fun discoveries and things to learn.


And like Mary and Elizabeth, hope and joy is shared. Support is offered. Memories are made. A safe place is found.


Jesus, you know making new friends is not the easiest for me and you have made it so much easier when I was finally able to open my eyes to see who you’ve put around me. Help me to be a good friend, Father, to my precious old friends and my new ones.

Trying to be a friend who loves at all times,
joy

Grace

I am, finally after 8 months, sitting on the beach with my Bible, my journal and
a commentary. Why it took so long to do this turns out to be the real reason
God brought me out here under the guise of a "spiritual retreat." The best way
I can put it is "Sometimes God tricks me to get me somewhere so I can deal with
what I have been avoiding for a long time."
About a year ago, maybe more I was sitting in my Iowa pastor's office and for some reason I was thinking about reaching out & I was sharing that I did a search and the only time I could find those words in the Bible was when the "woman with blood"  in Mark 5 reached out and touched the hem of Jesus's robe. I thought that was weird but I felt like my pastor knew that it was significant. So I always pay attention to that story and I was reading it again today on my "retreat" along with a commentary.
The story goes on to say Jesus feels "power gone from him" and He calls her out. See, it was an act of tremendous faith on her part to believe that just touching his robe would heal her but Jesus took it a step further.  My commentary said He did that because He knew she needed the personal, face to face encounter with him. I love that. 
Then do you know what she did? I always remembered that he blessed her and sent her away. BUT when I reread it again today I realized that she first told him her whole story-Mark 5:32 (the msg says it best). It is significant!
Here's the backstory:  I loved Psalm 18 especially verses 20-24 in the weeks before we left Iowa. "God made my life complete when I placed all the pieces before him."  See, we went through some really difficult, gross financial stuff as a result of wage cuts, layoffs and unwise decisions on our part.  We were so embarassed by it, but at the time I felt God wanted me to be honest and share with those closest to us exactly what was going on. I didn't want people to think we "ran away" when I knew they would find out eventually.  Some felt the need to respond with kind words and that was sweet.  Others said nothing because either (a) it didn't matter to them, we were the same people or (b) maybe they were disappointed in us.  I don't know.  But the whole thing is a black cloud and the enemy has used it to shoot arrows of lies at my core.
Fast forward to today and my "spiritual retreat." I was reflecting on the reasons in my journal "Why has it taken me so long to do this?" And the first thing off my pen was "Because it's a luxury I don't deserve."  The reason I haven't been out here to the beach to retreat and why I cringe when my husband posts on facebook about the current temperature or about the beach or some other cool thing we are doing is because I believed I/we didn't deserve it. When this started to hit home and in the time of processing all this and I wrote in my journal "How does Jesus see it?"
Back to Mark 5. After she lays it out to Him, He says to her (and I am just now soaking this in & the tears are streaming) "Daughter you took a risk of faith & now you are healed and whole. Live well, live blessed. Be healed of your plauge." Wow. 
He wants me to enjoy this place.  He wants me to realize we live in a great place and are blessed and THAT'S OKAY.  Grace is getting what I don't deserve. I am so thankful for the grace Jesus gives me everyday.
Thanks for hearing me again.. :)
Grace to you...
joy

Blessed and Highly Favored

I will just start with saying I am typing this with no idea of how it will end (not unusual) and I feel exteremely "unqualified" to discuss this but the Spirit keeps pushing so here I go. 
"Blessed and highly favored"-I honestly have never heard this phrase used in "everyday life" until I moved down here.  It is a familiar phrase to any of us who know the Christmas story "And the angel came in unto her, and said, Hail, [thou that art] highly favoured, the Lord [is] with thee: blessed [art] thou among women." (Luke 1:28 KJV).  So that's my paradigm from where I see this phrase, it's what the angel told Mary before he dropped the big news.  Her response to the angel (after feeling troubled by the greeting then some questioning) was acceptance. 
Shortly after I started my job down here, I was walking through the halls and I approached a house keeper and, as I try to do, I smiled and said "How are you?"  as I was walking on by.  He stopped what he was doing and in his Jamaican accent he said "I am blessed and highly favored.  How about you?"  Ok so now I slow my steps and my smile turns forced/polite. He goes on to tell me he told a surgeon the same thing one night in the parking garage and the man wept.  (My honest thoughts? "Yeah right.") And then he says again "How about you?" And I think I said something like "I guess so."  And it stuck with me and honestly, I kind of tried to avoid him or eye contact with him again, especially if in the moment I wasn't feeling very blessed and highly favored.  He was not around when things were going super well and I could yell "BLESSED AND HIGHLY FAVORED!" And I saw other people pass him and he didn't say the same thing to them.  Why?  Usually it was a nod or a smile and he continued his floor cleaning. 
These 4 words have come up again in random places enough that I googled it to see if maybe I was missing a "catch phrase" somewhere.  Maybe Beth Moore or Billy Graham had said it and I missed it.  Nothing turned up but a southern gospel song by the Clark Sisters and a couple of other bloggers trying to hash it out.  So I have been thinking about them alot. 
When I am told I am blessed and highly favored my first response is undeserving.  Because to me, a person who is blessed and highly favored is one who is obedient (like Mary).  And I can't look at someone and know their walk or thier obedience.  I suck at it lots of times.  I try but I fail and you may not know all that about me. 
But I think you can declare yourself blessed and highly favored.  Not because you are patting yourself on the back or bragging.  No, I think it's a perspective thing. 

I am blessed and highly favored because I have the riches of salvation and unfailing love from Jesus not because of the job I have or the money I have in my account.
I am blessed and highly favored because every once in awhile God shows me and asks, ok sometimes pushes, OK occasionally shoves me into doing His will and I know I am not doing my own thing.
I am blessed and highly favored because He has given me his Word and Truth and when I am in it I am protected and I never have to believe another one of the enemies lies spoken about me. 
I am blessed and highly favored because I have been given grace for when I fail not because I am doing all the "right things."
I am blessed and highly favored not because everything is perfect in my world but because its chaos and  I yell, my kids fight, I have no money 2 days before payday, and my to do list grows beyond what I can ever get done and yet I KNOW that God has me secure in His hand and He is in control.  (Someone feel free to remind me often)
Blessed and highly favored isn't about the external or the world we live in now.  It's about eternal and knowing this world is not my home. It's keeping my eyes on Jesus. 
So last week I saw my friend again and I looked him directly in the eye, knowing what he would say.  And when it came to my turn in the conversation I was able to look him in the eye and say "I am blessed and highly favored." And he said "Good! Now take my phone number.  You can call me anytime and I will pray for you." (In his thick Jamaican accent) And now I know his name is Andrew.
And as a side note, the other day, I was at the nurses station and an surgeon looking man in a scrubs and lab coat came breezing by and it caught my eye as he passed Andrew he said "How's it going, brother?" and reached out and gave him a "guy hug."  And I realized then that Andrew is an angel. But that's for another blog. :)
Blessed and highly favored,
joy

Never Late

"Never believe the so called random events in life are anything less than God's appointed order." Oswald Chambers My Utmost for His Highest
About three years ago, I had just finished an all day pediatric presentation for a group of EMS providers in northern Iowa.  I was feeling really good about it and how I handled their questions.  There wasn't a thing I didn't know that day.  I was on fire!  I knew that I could present all that information and make others understand it because I lived it.  I had experienced it myself.  I remember sitting in my work van that day and saying to God "Lord, that's how I want to know your word.  That's how I want to share you with others.  I want to experience you so I can know that I know that I know."  All I can say today is "Be careful what you pray for."  :)  My vision=Read the Bible, get some good study aids and software, join a good Bible study group, talk with other Christians, study manuscripting.  I think God looked at that and said "That's a good place to start, Joy."  And then He said, "Now you need a story" and He then He kicked it into high gear. 

Seven months ago I started this blog as a way to process the journey of being in an unknown place, with only my immediate family and no known plan or purpose.  It stood in stark contrast from a life where I was raised, I knew where I was going, and I had strong support of  amazing large family and friends.
It has the unexpected beauty for me of being able to look back and remember.  Not just events but raw, real emotions.  It is has been my mouthpiece for my praise and my fear, my wrestling with God and my battles against the enemy of my soul. It is written out so I can't ever sit back and say "Well, I knew it would all work out.  I trusted God." Ha! I have been a questioning, wrestling mess and you all have been witnesses. :) It is also beautiful to me because I never want to forget.  In that desert, I have been able to walk closest with my Father, see Him provide for me in more than material ways and discover that sweet, lone perfect flower of Acceptance of His will. (see Hinds Feet in High Places)  This blog has been the place I can look back and see Him giving me my story. 

He is giving me a story and He has given me special opportunities in this place to tell it.  Sweet, unexpected people in strange places to tell of His love, His grace, His provision.  And I love it.  Everytime I shake my head and I say "What was that?"  But I know what it was.  It was Him inside me.  Giving me the words, giving me the Rock to stand on boldly and gently pointing to the One who gets the glory.  Answering my prayer from 3 years ago.

So if you are struggling and aren't sure what God is planning for you.  Maybe you are deep in the throws of your desert, remember:
"This vision is for a future time. It describes the end, and it will be fulfilled. If it seems slow in coming, wait patiently, for it will surely take place. It will not be delayed." (Habakkuk 2:3)  God is an on time God and He is working on it in every detail, even when you can't see it.

So thank you, Jesus, for my story.  Thank you that you are not done with it.  Thank you for answering my prayer to know you more, even when it's been really hard.  Thank you for being on time, all the time.

Tears of Praise

I was talking to someone precious to me this morning. It had been awhile since we talked and she was updating me on the awesome things happening in her world. This is some one I have been blessed to walk on her journey with her as she walks mine with me. As she spoke there was an excitement to her voice. She was receiving all God has been promising her for a long time. Amazing things. As she related all these things to me I just started to weep. (As I am doing right now as I type.) The tears came out of no where and I almost didn't realize I was crying until I felt the tears on my cheeks. Everything she was telling me was cause for joy and celebration and "Woohoos!" But the tears fell.


I do this sometimes. I remember it first started during worship times. The Holy Spirit would be so present and my heart so full the tears would flow. Then I noticed it started happening during sermons. The pastor would say something and it was like God spoke straight to me and the tears would run silently down my cheeks. I liked to say "the Holy Spirit is leaking out of me." :)

I also do this sometimes with my kids. Each year on our birthdays, we all go around and say what is special about that person. And I am always last. They have come to expect that I will get a little choked up as I reflect on how wonderful they are and how blessed I am to be their mom. My heart just overflows with gratitude for them. My dad used to do this. One of the things I miss most about him is the way he would say "I'm so proud of you." and his voice would be choked and his eyes full of tears. He would also say "My quiver is full." (Psalm 127:3-5) in the same way. I thought at the time it was because he was just so proud of us but as I think about it I think he was overwhelmed with the blessing of a healthy, beautiful family and how God provided for him for many years.

It feels like I am doing it more frequently in this new place. Jesus provides for us in abundant, unexpected ways and I cry. He gives me an opportunity to minister to someone else with my experiences and I cry. He shows me in special, unique ways that we are just exactly where we need to be and I cry.

I was thinking this morning about the woman in Luke who washed Jesus' feet with her tears and the very expensive perfume. The other gospels only mention the perfume but Luke mentions the tears. I love that. She was a sinner and when you first read the passage you assume that she is crying because she feels like such a loser. Today I see her in a different way. I see her as fellow sister who sees Jesus and knows He is not only her Savior but also her Provider, Redeemer, Counselor, Father, Friend, the One who loves her without limits and blesses her beyond words. And she cried.

So from now on these tears are going to be called "Tears of Praise." Because that is exactly what they are. They are what I offer back when I don't have the words or ways to respond to Him all He has done for me.

Let them flow, Jesus,

joy

Rip Current

I had a bit of an attitude at the moment and I started walking into the surf.  My "goal" was to check out the section of beach my husband had drug us to with 2 surf boards, 5 boogie boards, 6 towels, 1 beach chair and 1 beach bag in tow.  He had determined we needed to be far from everyone else and I was "frustrated."  So I dropped my stuff, took off the cover up and began walking headlong.  Not thinking, not surveying the situation.  Just walking with a bit of attitude. 
As I get a little further out I realize the water is a bit deeper than I care to be in and, whoa, now I can't touch.  Better go back.  Oh crap. I am not going anywhere but further out.  Rip current.  Ok, don't panic.  Never panic.  Swim parallel to the shore until you get out of it.  They say it won't take you to the Bahamas. Not too sure about that right now.Waves aren't too bad but I am not getting anywhere but further from Steve and the kids.  Where is the bottom?  If I could push off the bottom it would feel better.  How deep is this water?  6 feet? 10 feet?  I don't know.  Suddenly there's this surfer.  He says to me "Do you need help?"  I smile to show I am not panicking because no one wants to help a panicked person.  They'll drown you.  And I say "Yes."  I can see he's standing and so I say "I want to get where you are."  So  he tells be to grab the board and he flings me to the part where I can stand.  The water is still moving swift and it's tough to get to shore but at least I can stand.  As I get to the shore, the life guard is walking up to me to see if I am ok.  And my husband is asking me what I am thinking walking straight into a rip current. 
There's lots of analogies to be made to my walk with Jesus in this scenario.  The "attitude" and doing my own thing gets me in trouble everytime.  The feeling of deep waters. "He reached down from on high and took hold of me (or sends an angel surfer); he drew me out of deep waters."  (Psalm 18:16) The deep water is where you can't don't know your surroundings and where the bottom is and panic can set in pretty quickly. Believe me if something had swam by me the panic would have set in and I would have been done. 
I am also reminded of the fact that He rescues me even when I get myself into the pickle.  Just like He did for Peter in the garden when He was being arrested.  Peter cut the soldiers ear off and Peter was seconds from his own execution.  Jesus didn't look at him and say "What did you do? Now what are you going to do?"  No he fixed the ear and the Bible doesn't mention the soldier or the ear again. 
But what is really getting me is the lingering fear.  I couldn't go back in the water that day.  I didn't really want to the next day.  I didn't want the kids to either.  It brought me to tears more than once and I couldn't really put words to it.  It seems silly but the fear is strong.  This is the recurring theme in my world.  I am so thankful for all the times my Savior has rescued me.  I will point to Him and give Him the glory every time.  But when I look forward the fear grips me.  I don't want to go there again so I am immobilized from doing anything.  I don't trust myself.  I am afraid. Fear of failure, fear of making mistakes, fear of being back in the same stupid pit or deep water again.  So now what?
If you are me, you sit, you think about it, cry about it, lay it out before him and open up the Bible. Search the concordance for "fear" (again!) and bind a few verses to your heart. 

• "Telling you, 'You're my servant, serving on my side.  I've picked you.  I haven't dropped you.' Don't panic. I'm with you.  There's no need to fear for I'm your God.  I'll give you strength.  I'll help you. I'll hold you steady, keep a firm grip on you." Isaiah 41:10 (The Msg) 
• "God met me more than halfway,  he freed me from all my anxious fears." Psalm 34:4 (The Msg)
• "Save  your fear for God, who holds your entire life-body and soul-in his hands." Luke 12:5 (The Msg)

I love the Word.  I love the peace, comfort and confidence it gives me.  I pray it blesses you too today. 
Fear only God,
joy

Alan Jackson - I Love To Tell The Story

His Story

"The disciples came up and asked, "Why do you tell stories?" (Matthew 13:10)
Part of the way Jesus drew people to himself was through the stories he told.  Matthew, Mark and Luke all record stories Jesus told to give a message.  The story of the prodigal son, the lost sheep, the scattered seed, the talents, the lamp on the stand, the lost coin and on and on.  Up until just a few moments ago I assumed these stories were "made up", carefully crafted to make a point.  But now I wonder and maybe guess that these stories were about real people.  After all Jesus was God.  He knows all of our stories.  And perhaps he chose to use a real farmer, a widow, a rebellious son and a shepherd to teach everyone something about Himself.

Now I am going to take it a step further and say, I believe that Jesus is still using our stories to teach others about Himself.  The difference now is it's left up to us to first see what Jesus is teaching us in our story and then to tell others about what He has done and is doing in our lives.  

Everyone has a story.  It may be a "big" story about your salvation and your life doing a complete 180.  A prodigal son type of story.  People like to share those stories.  They are important.  They give hope to the unsaved and those who really feel hopeless and lost.

It may be smaller, everyday stories.  Like how God sent just the right person along to tell you just what you needed to hear.  Or a song at just the right moment on the radio and it gave you peace and comfort.  These stories remind us He is a God of details.  He cares about everything in our lives. 

But my favorite story is when your story and my story intersect.  The times when God is preparing 2 (or more) people for a special work and then at just the right moment He brings them together and really cool things happen.  My pastor at our church in Iowa told me, "You have story and I have a story and He has a story and she has a story and God has brought us all together here for a reason."  It is a giant beautiful tapestry and He uses our stories to connect us to Him and to each other.  The things that cause knots in the tapestry are when people don't believe their stories and past experiences matter.  These are lies the enemy wants us to believe.  Nothing could be further from the truth. 

When we see Jesus working in our lives, our response should be like Peter and John-"As for us, there's no question—we can't keep quiet about what we've seen and heard." (Acts 4:20)

God is doing amazing things among His people.  When we reach out to each other and share our stories, His stories.  We are going to be shocked at how He is preparing us for amazing things. 

Blessings,
joy

Perspective

As I started thinking about what I wanted to post today there were so many thoughts going on in my head.


• I thought maybe Nehemiah 4:14-"After I looked things over, I stood up and said to the nobles, the officials and the rest of the people, "Don't be afraid of them. Remember the Lord, who is great and awesome, and fight for your brothers, your sons and your daughters, your wives and your homes."" Having a 13 year old in your home is challenging and a fight is unfortunately not uncommon, especially when he makes a few poor choices. I remembered this verse when I realized I didn't want to fight with him, I wanted to fight for him against an unseen enemy. This enemy isn't annoyed when we are getting to where God wants us, he gets MAD. So my mantra is "Fight for him, not with him." Satan will not have my family.

• When Steve and I were walking on Saturday morning, he pointed out this shell on the beach. I went to pick it up, expecting it to be a piece of a larger shell but when I picked it up, a whole perfect conch shell came out of the sand! It was amazing. First I thought, this is why God says "Get out of bed and walk with your husband." Then I got to thinking about 2 Corinthians 4:17-18 "For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." What we are seeing right now in life is temporary. It is such a tiny piece compared to what we will have in eternity.

• On Sunday morning, our pastor asked me to share a story about sharing love in the community. That's easy, I'm a nurse. It's how I roll. Riggghhhhtttt. Not so much, but I have witnessed God do some pretty cool things so I shared. We are going through a series about "God is..." and yesterday was "God is Love." The post below is what I read to everyone. But what's crazy is that God would have me, who just a few years ago reeled at the question "How do you know God loves you, Joy?" speak at this particular service. This didn't occur to me until the worship time because all week I had been dealing with the above mentioned teenage. My main concern was sharing about being loving in my job but feeling I was doing a lousy job of being loving at home. That is a whole other post.

• Yesterday, we took our kids to lunch at a new restaurant Steve and I thought was really great when we went to it. Actually restaurant isn't the right word, beach shack, maybe. Anyway, we were so excited and 3 of the kids did not love it. They were not great, they were, well, awful. It was a miserable experience. It wasn't that they didn't like the place. It was how they acted. They want all these "grown up things" like cell phones, tvs, facebook, etc. And yet they still act like kids. As if! I know they are just kids. I also know it's me who has given them those privileges (except not for the teenager right now!). I was just thinking that must be what Paul was talking about in 1 Corinthians 3:1-3 "Brothers, I could not address you as spiritual but as worldly—mere infants in Christ. I gave you milk, not solid food, for you were not yet ready for it. Indeed, you are still not ready. You are still worldly. For since there is jealousy and quarreling among you, are you not worldly? Are you not acting like mere men?" Regarding the teenager (again!) I have been worldlier this week than spiritual. I am working on it and we are working through it together. I am thankful to be blessed with a son that has a large measure of forgiveness and grace built in to him.

So that's what I've been thinking about. So many things that seem "little" but I think it's all about what we choose to see in life. We can see the struggle or we can chose to see what God wants to teach us about Him or ourselves. We can convince ourselves we are alone or we can choose to see His presence in the little things.

I pray that all of you will have eyes to see and ears to hear the message God wants you to see and hear today.

Love you,

joy

The story I shared at GC

During the worship time, I reflected on how funny God is to have me talk on a day the sermon is titled "God is Love."  This has been the aspect of God, as I look on my journey that sticks out the most.  It is the attribute of God that has been most elusive and the most powerful.  I can accept He is sovereign, mighty, omnipotent, strong, omnipresent.  I could go on and on.  But love?  That is some thing I have just in the last few years been able to embrace and to accept that He loves me, always.

I have the unique opportunity in my profession as a nurse to witness people at their best and people at their worst. It is my goal to try and care for each patient the way I would want my family, my mom or myself to be treated. I try to remember that each person matters to someone and even if they don’t have a loved one present they matter to God.

My 15 years as a nurse have given me to opportunities to bless others but more frequently it is I who am blessed.
Since moving down here a little over 6 months ago, the feeling of being on an island without connections has sometimes been overwhelming. I came from a small town, a huge family and a network of friends had known most of my life. While I missed the family and friends, I think I missed seeing a familiar face at the grocery store even more. This is how God blessed me when I was able to show His love through my job.
Because of privacy rules, I don’t feel comfortable sharing any names. If you want to know who the other member of this church was in this story, stick around for the second service because that is when she is going to share about this day.
I was taking care of a pleasant elderly lady in the emergency room one day and as I do with a lot of my patients I had spent a fair amount of time just listening to her and talking with her. She had shared with me that she did not have any family here but a god daughter and she would be coming soon. I love hearing people’s stories. I believe everyone has a story and God is using all of our stories together for a reason. And I think that by listening to them you show a person that they are significant.
I was doing some task in the room when the god daughter had arrived and registration was in there taking her information. The registration clerk asked her if she would like to list a church and the lady told her god daughter “Let’s list yours.” The daughter said “Ok, Grace Church.” And I stopped and quickly thought “Are there two Grace Churches?” So there was only one way I knew to differentiate and I said “Do you mean the one that meets at the movie theater?” And she smiled and said “Yes!” And I said “I go to that church too!” That conversation was that simple. But it meant the world to me at the moment because I made a connection with someone. It also opened up the door for this lady to share more about her faith with me and her feelings about her illness.
The story itself would be cool enough if it stopped there. But at the same time in my section we had a young lady who had been in a family dispute with a sibling and many poor choices were made and she ended up in our ER. It took awhile for the mom to come in but when she got there, wow, I think her daughter was wishing she didn’t. That mom walked in that room, shut the door and began a tirade of a mother who had a long, hot summer with her kids. I am sure this wasn’t the first round of drama she had to deal with. You could hear her quite plainly even though the door was shut. Everyone could hear her. She never put those kids down or berated them. She never swore. She was just hot mad at the choices they had made and wanted to point out very plainly that she had warned them and would have no more of it. I think it went of for at least 20 minutes, maybe longer. A few people asked if we were going to call security but there was never a reason to.
That mom finally came out of that room to pull herself together and when she came back in she passed my patients room. Somehow, someway, that mom ended up in there, talking with my new sweet friend. I could hear bits of the conversation and the love of Jesus was shared.
As I think back on the day, I am so thankful that I wasn’t impatient or rushed when she wanted to talk and then when I learned of the connection to Grace I would be sweet. That’s not real.
I also think that lady felt God’s love and presence that day in a real way and was the right person to pour it out to this mom who needed it so much.
That’s how God’s love is. Once you get it and know how wide and high and deep and long it is like it says Ephesians 3:16. It will just spill out. It gives you peace, it makes you bold, and it puts you more in tune with the Holy Spirit’s promptings. You can not ever do the wrong thing when God asks you to show someone His love. It may feel weird or uncomfortable but its right and the blessing you receive will be amazing.
Believe me, I am not always the angel of mercy at work. I am not always patient and I don’t always love very well. Some people are sandpaper people who rub me the wrong way and God puts them in my path because He wants me to show love to all people, not just sweet little ladies. That’s easy to do. As I heard Beth Moore say once, “When you say about someone “They’re killing me! You can probably guess that God is using that person to kill something in you that is not from God.” Things like impatience or judgment or pride. So like every one I am still very much a work in progress.
So that’s my story, well one of them anyway. Oh and PS after I agreed to share this with you, I saw someone I knew at the grocery store. Thank you for letting me share.

beautiful the mess we are....

On Sunday morning, my house was A MESS.  I have been working alot the past few weeks and while everyone tries to help and get chores done (sort of) it still gets out of hand pretty quickly with 6 people and a dog under one roof.  My dryer has not been working as it should.  This was no suprise to me.  My laundry facilities never have worked well. It can take me hours to wash and dry a load.  It's painful.  So I had MOUNTAINS of laundry everywhere.  Now I am not really picky about my house, but when it gets to that state I start getting anxious and the little voice in me compares myself to what I think I know about other people.  It can get really ugly in my head. 
Now add to this that it is Sunday morning.   I mentioned to my sweet husband that it is taking the dryer hours to dry anything so he seizes that moment to climb into the attic look down the vents.  They are nasty.  So I am called upon to bring the vacuum up the ladder to the attic so it can be vacuumed out and also receive the vents he has pulled apart to bring down the ladder and bang out the lint that has accumulated over who knows how long.  Bring them back up the ladder, bring down the vacuum, hold the flashlight so he can put the vents back together, troubleshoot why aren't they fitting the way they did before they were pulled apart, hold the ladder so he can climb back down. (Phew!) Soon it is 10 and church starts at 10:30 and after all this I really need church.  :)  So I scramble into the shower, fuss at the kids to get their shoes on, ask for the millionth time "Are you really going to wear that?" ,  walk out the door with wet hair and part of the make up on to put on in the car. 
So we get in the car and it becomes this moment for some reason to discuss the bedroom of the oldest and youngest son and some of the nasty things I have discovered in the corners and drawers.  Let the lecture begin!  While my husband is giving his wisdom I turn on the radio and the first words that come out are "beautiful the mess we are...." Wow.  And whether everyone intended to be or not, our car becomes silent.  And all I thought, thank you Lord.  I never thought about it like that. 
You see, our family is chaos.  I have felt like we have been kind of a joke because we are typically late, mismatched, clothes on backward, hair all over the place, loud, tore up house and car, full of drama.  This really bothered me in the past.  I hated to be thought of as "screw ups." (My words not anyone elses).  If you think I am insecure when I compare myself with others, you should see how quickly the flame gets fanned when I start comparing my family to others.  It's like I set them on a scale to compare and contrast and my family always came up short. 
This is one of the reasons this move has really helped our family.  When you don't know anyone, you can't compare yourself and when no one knows you, you can't care what they think.  God has been helping me weed this out of me now in this season so that as we do develop those relationships here, I can be confident in my family and what God made us to be...a beautiful mess.  Ecclesiates 3:11 says "He has made everything beautiful in his time."  (Emphasis mine)  And sometimes He doesn't have to make it beautiful, He just opens our eyes to it's beauty at the right time. 
You see, we are still late, our house is tore up, we are loud, there is always drama, we screw up, sometimes in big ways.  There have been nights where my prayer before dinner has been "Jesus, tonight really sucks.  We really need your help.  We need You."  We are never going to be perfect. The best I can hope for is that we are real.   But Jesus is perfect and He can redeem any situation, any conflict, any drama. He can help us pray, cry and laugh our ways through it. Our "mess" has brought us closer to each other and closer to Him.  And that is a beautiful place to be. 
In Christ, my Redeemer,
joy

Not Ashamed

"Sons are a heritage from the LORD, children a reward from him." Psalm 124: 3 My kids give me lots of reasons to be proud. But perhaps the biggest reason I am proud of them is the priority Jesus, their church, and their faith is in their lives. It is as natural to them as breathing. They talk to their friends about what they believe. They freely share their beliefs and about the church they go to.

I was privileged to witness the day my two older boys "got saved." The three of us went to a Christian rock concert and in the middle they had a break and that was used as a time to talk about Jesus and then they asked everyone to pray and to pray along if they wanted Jesus to live in their heart. I remember hearing the sweet voice of this little girl near by and thought "How precious." Then they asked who ever prayed along to raise their hands. I can not explain the emotion I felt when I opened my eyes and saw both of their hands in the air. It was as powerful as anything I ever experienced. Then the Holy Spirit took over my mouth and I said to them "You boys asked Jesus into your heart today and in the Bible it says you are sealed in your salvation. No one or nothing can ever take it away." (Ephesians 1:13 check it out) The younger son smiled and tried to put into words what was filling his 9 year old spirit "That makes my heart feel good." As a mother I was given a gift that day. God has anointed them both in different ways.

The older son tries to walk his faith in everything. I know it is part of decisions and part of how he chooses who he will spend time with. It affects his music choices and his TV watching. He knows and states when I am not congruent with my words and my beliefs. He has been given a discernment gift and I pray God continues to cultivate that in him.

The younger child has been given a thirst for the Word. He has seen first hand the power and comfort it brings. It has brought him through anxious moments and has helped him articulate praise. I have checked on him late at night and saw his little blue Bible tucked under his arm while he slept.

My younger two children are still developing their gifts. I can see in my daughter a heart for people. She is so tender and will encourage you or cry with you. What ever is needed. My youngest has the best grasp of the unconditional love of Jesus. I believe this is probably the faith that Jesus talked about when he brought the children to him.

Let me say my kids are like this more in spite of me than because of me. You will never see me writing a parenting book or offering parenting advice to anyone.  I give glory to God for blessing them with great extended family and churches who have shown them what a Christ life looks like and help keep them accountable. He has given me teachable moments and the Spirit to help me share with them what I am learning right along with them.

When I looked at my kids this weekend the verse that kept resounding in my heart was from Romans 1:16 "I am not ashamed of the gospel because it is the power of God, for the salvation of everyone who believes."

Jesus, hold them close to you. Thank you for giving me the privilege to be their mom. Help me to be the mom they need. Protect them, guide them, grow them to be the servants you would have them be.
Blessings,
joy

Ouch

I know I just posted a couple of days ago.  Admittedly that was a copy and paste from an old blog I'd done a year or so ago.  My goal is to get a post every 7-10 days and I was feeling too busy and distracted to sit quietly and see what the Lord wanted to lay on me.  Today He did it.  An unexpected "bump" in my journey if you will. As usual, there's a back story.
If you read this blog you will know that a couple of posts ago a patient of mine said to me "You must have suffered." after I spoke with her about patience and suffering and somethings I had learned/experienced.  I did not much like being told that.  I am not a SUFFERER.  Others do and that's ok.  It's my job as a nurse to help people who suffer.  It's ok for others but not for me.  A little over a week ago my sister and I had lunch with our pastors at my church.  I really wanted them to meet as they are all very important in my world.  I was taken aback a bit when they were discussing me, my pastor said, "Joy is healing right now."  What? What? WHAT?  Who's healing?  I don't need healing.  I am FINE.  Can't you hear me say it?  I am F-I-N-E, fine.  Healing is for those who are hurt, ill, injured, weak.  I am none of those thank you much.  I am doing quite well.  Why would he think I need healing?  How would he know I need healing? 
Admittedly, I am quite a tamed down version of myself since the move.  I've kind of had a sense that I don't let alot of people get close to me for awhile.  In Iowa  I had a tight family that surrounded me, an amazing church family and friends who knew me for years.  They were all just always there and I was part the group. 
I have felt like maybe I am in this wilderness season, this time of "on my own," for a reason. God is doing a transformation in me and while I thought I knew where He and I might be headed, I realize I am clueless.  I think we like to think that the transformation God does to our hearts is quick and is small changes.  He's gracious enough to change us sometimes in small ways but His ultimate goal is the whole enchilada.  And once He has a hold and you surrender, He won't let go.  So I am not trying to rush through it.  But I am also realizing there is a fine line between that wilderness and self imposed exile.  One is a place where God can work in the deep places and test His Word and the other is a place where I think I can hide and "be safe" from any hurts.  And I am guilty on a regular basis of the later and with no accountability it's pretty easy. 
Ok, to the point, this morning, was friends' of ours last service at our church.  And it wasn't until I saw her and an unexpected powerful emotion rose up in me that I realized I was wounded.  The emotion wasn't excitement for a "new adventure " for them.  It was flash backs to our last service at our Iowa church and it was raw grief. I could have curled up and cried like it happened yesterday and not 6 months ago.   I did not see this coming.  When the tears flow as I type you can be assured I am being as real as I can be. 
So here I am in front of Jesus saying "Ok, this move, this "new thing" has hurt more than I have allowed myself to feel. Being pulled up by your roots hurts. I have tried to focus on the blessings and they have been numerous and great.  But I hurt, more that I would acknowledge and I need a healing.  In my weakness, You are strong.  And I am believing like the woman who reached out to just touch your robe I am reaching out and beleiving that the healing will come. If it means reaching out to others, show me how Lord.  I'm not good at it. I get scared and nervous and have already listed their judgements of me in my head before I even say hello.  I don't know what that looks like since this is new to me, Jesus.  But I am believing you are the One who "heals the broken hearted and binds up their wounds." Bring the healing Jesus." 
In Christ who loves us more fully than we know,
joy

No Fear

(This is an "archived" blog from some posts I posted on our women's blog for our chuch in Iowa.)
Thanks to Max Lucado's book Fearless who opened my eyes in a fresh way to this passage. Thank you to the Holy Spirit for his prompting and conviction.
Mark 4:35-41
Have you ever just been strolling through life marveling at all Jesus has done for you? Have you ever witnessed his healing and his miracles in your life or those around you?
Have you ever just felt like "Life is good, I am in God’s will, walking with Jesus, in tune with the Holy Spirit"? You feel like you know Jesus and his character and you trust him. What a sweet place to be. That is the place those disciples were before they got on that boat with Jesus. Now for Peter, James and John, as fishermen by trade, the boat was a natural place to be. For Matthew the tax collector, probably not so much, but he has committed to following Jesus so on to the deck he climbs.
It has been a long day and Jesus is obviously worn out. He finds a quiet spot under the stern and falls asleep. While he is sleeping a storm kicks up. It seems reasonable to think that as fishermen some of these men should be able to handle this right? This can’t be the first time they got caught in a storm. I can understand why Matthew is losing his cookies but the rest of them, come on. But the word that is used for this particular storm is seismos. Yup, as in earthquake, seismos. I wonder if it was like a typhoon. I don’t know that but I learned that the only other time that word is used is to refer to the earthquakes at Jesus’ death and resurrection. So this is pretty major. So the disciples looked at each other and said “Let’s wake up Jesus and he will fix this. Look at all we have seen him do thus far!” Right? WRONG! They wake him up with a frantic “We are drowning! Don’t you care?!?” Wow. I would like to get a little righteous indignation going about those disciples and say “Are you kidding? How could they say that to him? How can they so quickly forget all he has done?” and then the Spirit convicts and I get that feeling in my stomach that says. Ugh. Been there, done that.
Jesus gets up and says to the waves “Quiet! Be still!” and everything calms. I can’t help but think that if he had turned to the disciples and said the same thing the calm would have come. Maybe not in the storm, but in the disciples. What he does say to the disciples is “Why are you so afraid? Do you still have no faith?” (Emphasis mine) I have read this passage several times lately but tonight God added the word “still” to my Bible. Here comes another Ugh.
Of course the disciples were terrified. Not only was there a fresh revelation about Jesus and His power there was an exposure of their hearts.
When the storms of life come you can plan that there will be a fresh revelation of God but also know that there will be an exposure of our heart. And what we see may frighten us. I praise Jesus that he didn’t get off the boat in the next chapter and say “You guys are worthless. I am going to find some other disciples who have more faith, who aren’t so afraid.” He didn’t do that with them and he doesn’t do it with us. He wants us to stay close to him and hear his teaching, see his healing, and knowing his love. He knew the wind and waves would obey because he created them. He knows how we are created, and he knows what he is creating us to be and he won’t give up on that. The only one who gives up is us. Hang in there sister.
Jesus, thank you for your love. Thank you that you never give up on us. Thank you for your awesome power to calm the storms or to calm your children. Give us hearts to receive the love and peace and calm that only comes from you. You are Elohim, our Creator. Amen
In Christ's love and peace,
joy

Looking back, looking around, looking Up

"The years that lie behind you will in time be remembered only as the way that led to your new life. They can be remembered as God's way of making you more compassionate and understanding toward others." I recently read this quote from Henri Nouwen as I was reflecting over the past year and all that's happened to bring me where I am today.
I have been shown, especially in this past month or so, that some of the experiences I have gone through are happening in other people's lives.  I am not talking about I hear about it and I feel bad for them.  I am talking that these people have come to me with out any knowledge of me (very few people here know me or my story) and have just started sharing.
The first time it happened, I was like, what in the world?  And I felt like I needed to share kindness with that person the way others have done for me in the past. 
The next time it happened, God, in his providence, had been preparing my heart the week prior to think about patience.  I learned that the Greeks have severalwords for patience but 2 that I have learned about-makrothymia and hypomone.  There is one big difference in the patience these words describe.  The first, makrothymia, is the fruit of the spirit patience.  It is inspired my mercy toward others.  It's the patience we need in the long grocery line, with difficult co workers or with our kids.  The second, hyponome is the word James uses when he says "Be patient, then, brothers, until the Lord's coming." (James 5:7).  This patience is inspired by hope.  The hope that Jesus gives.  The hope that knows that everything in this life is temporary.  It was crazy because I was reading about it, then our pastor spoke about it, then I had a patient tell me she felt like Job!  (Read the rest of James 5 to see why that is really cool).  So I was happily able to share all that with her and also how I believe that sometimes we go through stuff so we can help other people. The Bible says He comforts us "....so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God." (2 Corinthians 1:4)  And then this patient said the most unexpected thing to me after I felt I had been a light "You have suffered haven't you, Joy?"  Wow. I did not expect that.  I just numbly shook my head and mumbled something like "I think every one suffers some times." And as I reflect on that I feel like I got a word from God and he reminded me He sees me and he knows my past, present and future.  And he's able to use all of it. 
The last time it happened I felt lead to share some of my story.  That was a huge leap for me.  I do not like to share about some things, especially what most would deem my failures.  But it was amazing because I was able to open up to a relationship with that person and keep pointing back to God as the one who brought me through that situation. 
3 people, 3 different situations.  God setting it up each time.  To God be the glory.   

New

My husband got me a new Bible for my birthday.  I had asked for a parallel Bible, which sets 2 translations  of the Bible (NIV and The Message) side by side.  I got exactly what I wanted and more.  It is perfect for me.  It is 2 shades of pink, Italian leather, has a concordance, little explanations before each book by Eugene Peterson and very few study notes.  It has a shiny cover with crisp, white pages.  I have looked at it and read it with delight and admired it's fantastic traits. I got it almost 3 weeks ago and I have not "used" it.  When I say "used" I need to explain my current Bible.
The Bible I have now is from my 8th grade graduation. I have had that Bible about 25 years. I am embarassed to admit that up until a few years ago it go barely more than a cursory review every now and again. It has my full name stamped on the front cover and the date it was given to me written on the inside by my mom, along with her favorite verse. I have written my wedding day, my kids' birthdays, and my funeral requests in that Bible.  It's verses are underlined, highlighted, circled, noted, referenced, dated, and named for family members who left the legacy of a life verse.  It has cards and sermon notes stuck in the back.  I look at it and realize it is my life, my heart intertwined with God's message and love for me.  I am having a hard time letting go of it.
This seems to be a recurring theme in my life recently and each time I think it can't get anymore personal, it does.  If feels like God is saying to me "Joy, I am the New Thing." 
The Bible is FULL of the word "new" but it is especially present when God speaks his promises through the prophets.
"And what I do is put new spirit in them, get them up and on their feet again."  Isaiah 57:15
"You'll get a brand-new name straight from the mouth of God." Isaiah 62:1
"Pay close attention now: I'm creating new heavens and a new earth." Isaiah 65:17
"God's loyal love couldn't have run out, his merciful love couldn't have dried up. They're created new every morning." Lamentations 3:22
"I'll give you a new heart. I'll put a new spirit in you." Ezekiel 11:16
And then Jesus came and really showed what "new" was:
"Come with me. I'll make a new kind of fisherman out of you." Mark 1:16
"He said, This is my blood, God's new covenant, Poured out for many people." Mark 14:23
"Let me give you a new command: Love one another. In the same way I loved you, you love one another. This is how everyone will recognize that you are my disciples—when they see the love you have for each other." John 13:34
Sometimes, ok, most of the time I want to cling to the old, the familiar, the safe and what I know. And I get stuck thinking of how I would like some of my "old life" back. 
But that's not what God wants from me in this season.  He doesn't want me to just observe, tolerate and occasionally appreciate the new things He's given me, He wants me to embrace it.  To see it as the gift He is giving me each day.  And my new Bible will be my reminder to do that.  I definately won't throw away my "old" Bible.  I will keep it, cherish it, go back and reference it often.  It has taught me alot and it is valued.  So with a lump in my throat and a few tears leaking out I have taken my old Bible out and put thee new Bible in the cover. I have made my first underline and date at Isaiah 43:19 (both translations) -"See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland." (NIV) and "Be alert, be present. I'm about to do something brand-new. It's bursting out! Don't you see it?" (The Msg)
I see it, Lord.  Use this new Bible and new life to keep learning from you and about you. Praise you.
joy

Peace

The word pressing on me this morning as I think about what to post is "peace." I have been wrestling with even discussing this one. For some reason it is deep in my belief system that we don't talk about good things because others might think we are bragging. And we don't do that. We also would not want to make others who are struggling right now feel worse. But all of that is a lie and now that it is exposed, I want to look at Truth.
I think when most of us think about peace we think about the absence of turmoil, conflict, pain. But the Hebrew word for peace, Shalom also includes prosperity, well-being, joy, happiness, wholeness. Our understanding of peace has mainly a negative approach, a lack of something, whereas the Hebrew includes the positive aspects as well.
I have just been feeling overwhelming peace for the past while. I guess that's what it is. It's a feeling I have not felt in my core for a very long time. Some days it is much stronger than others but it is always present. I can't explain the feeling very well. It's not related to lack of conflict or stress because I still have plenty of that. But it is calm in my soul.
In the OT the Jews gave a voluntary peace offering on top of their burnt offering. They had a peace from the sacrifice given, from knowing that they were now right with God.
I believe my calm or peace has come from knowledge of being in God's will. A sense that the sacrifices we have made, the uncertain places we have gone, the tough lessons we have learned, the agenda's we have surrendered have been worth all of it. It is God's hand on us saying "You are doing great. Keep seeking, keep following. There will be more surrender, more sacrifice, and more lessons but now you know Me better. It will be a little easier next time."
I have come to love where we are. Not just location although I do really like Florida. When I think about how Shalom means prosperity, well-being, joy, etc. I think about how we have prospered as a family. How our time together and shared memories have grown exponentially. How the kids have come to embrace our lives. How we have been blessed with new friends. How we both have jobs that uniquely fit us. How our marriage has grown closer and we have grown more dependent on each other and God. How my husband is the leader in our home in everyway and I am taken aback when I see some of the changes in him. How we have found a church that is so uniquely fitted to us it boggles my mind. How I have been able to experience God in ways I never have. A total dependence on Him. We have been blessed so much that it almost feels wrong to hide it.
I love that Jesus says peace is a gift. “I am leaving you with a gift—peace of mind and heart. And the peace I give is a gift the world cannot give. So don’t be troubled or afraid." (John 14:27)
In the OT, the peace offering was divided in 3 ways, the best was given to God, the priest was given his share and the rest was given to the person as food. This was consumed in a celebration with family.
I know that I can't have any of this peace without the sacrifice of Jesus so my sins are forgiven. He was the final sacrifice, once for all. I can walk up right and be in fellowship with the One who loves me best and be able to offer my peace offering. I guess this is my mini celebration. My way of sharing my peace offering with all of you.
Thank you for celebrating with me.

Cross Roads

When I was a kid I had on orange winter coat.  I loved that thing.  I don't know why.  I would be embarrassed to say that orange is my favorite color as that seems sort of strange.  There is probably something significant about that and my personality and I would rather not know.  I have noticed I am more "orangey" in the summer thanks to a great pair of capri's and flip flops.  How many people have orange flip flops?  It reminds me of my 4th grade teacher who wore great flip flops but my favorite were the gold ones.  She was awesome.  The orange became more apparent today as I was grocery shopping in said capris and flip flops, looking cute with earrings to match and I pulled an orange pen out of my purse.  In addition my bedroom is painted this fantastic shade of orange.  I love it.  But that is not what I had intended to write about but wanted to share my orange observations with someone.  And it's why the blog has a new look.  :)

I have been given some opportunities here, professionally.  They are quite similar to what I was doing before and I am thankful.  I prayed that the gifts, skills and opportunities God gave me before would not be wasted.  I was a little (ok alot) fearful as it is in my nature to leap headlong into new challenges and projects.  Before I even know what's happened I am over booked, over extended and overstressed while my kids are short on hot meals, attention and time from their mom.  I am fearful of making past mistakes.  I am also aware that, on my own, I did those things because my worth and identity came from the recognition I got from those endevours. 
I landed on a Bible verse one day as I was wrestling this through.   The verse was this "Stand at the crossroads and look; ask for ancient paths ask where the good way is and walk in it, and there you will find rest for your souls." (Jeremiah 6:16) Smack in the middle of the verse I interjected-"This is troubling because I am at a cross roads. I fear making bad decisions." 
The next day I was looking over an old devotional and this quote from Beth Moore jumped out at me "Every believer needs second chances.  We know we are coming full circle with God when we stand at a very similar cross roads where we made such a mess of our life before, but this time we take a different road."
This is when I am thankful I journal because it wasn't until I turned back a page that the full message hit me. 
When I read that I stand amazed of God's love for me and His desire to reveal Himself to me when I seek Him. 
So what's my different road?  I am still seeking it but I have pinned down a few things. I believe part of my professional "mission statement" is to ensure kids get the best healthcare and my role in that is modeling it when I can, advocating for them or teaching others.  God and I agreed on that after my identity crisis as no longer being a "pediatric nurse."  It was very helpful to do that as now I have a lens through which I can look and make clearer decisions about where I invest my time and energy professionally.  In this "down time", however, I have also been given the opportunity to see how incredibly valuable my time with my family is.  I honestly did not see before how much my kids need me and how much better my home runs when it is my family is my priority.  It will need to be a very worthwhile endevour to ask me to give up any piece of that time.  I am also working on seeing me how God sees me.  I have not accomplished this on my own but with the help of very wise counsel.  I know that He loves me just because He made me.  Not because of any star or dot someone has put on me.  And when I believe Him on that I can rest in that and quit trying so hard to earn his love and favor.  Anything I do now is an outpouring of that love and not a way to earn it.   
So that's where I am at.  At the crossroads, coming full circle with God, looking at the ancient paths, asking Him "Which way now?"  I can feel confident and not fearful in those decsions and it that my soul can find rest.   Thank you Jesus. 
in Christ,
joy

A real time journey

(Warning what you are about to read is a real time journey of my heart. It may not make complete sense but it is where Jesus lead my heart.)
I am at a point today where I am wondering how David had the guts to go to God and ask for forgiveness.  When he was at his worst he was very bad.  An adulterer, a murderer, a liar.  What in his heart knew that he could turn to God?  How did he so intimately know the concept of grace?  The bigger question may be why don't I?  Why do I feel like I can fail so greatly that I am not worthy of God's love and grace?  That I believe that I am too ashamed to go to Him and ask for forgiveness for the same sins again and again.  Why do I believe that it is best to just hide for awhile and maybe He and I can just forget all about it? 
I don't want to get into the details that have brought this on, that's not what is important and it's between Jesus and me and the one I need to apologize too. 
I have been trying to work my way through a book that should not take me so long to get through but I want to absorb as much as I can.  The title is "Hinds Feet in High Places."  It's a story about Much Afraid.   She is working her way to the High Places on crippled feet and a crooked mouth.  The Shepard is leading her and she is accompanied by Sorrow and Suffering.  Her enemies are Self Pity, Bitterness, Pride, Resentment and Craven Fear. 
I realized the other day that her and my enemies are not often from the outside or external circumstancesas is sometimes seems but from the inside and lies that I tell myself.  These are the enemies who with their powerful words cause me to want to hide, to not ask forgiveness, that make me believe I am unforgiveable.  They want me to believe that situations are hopeless, that I am unfixable, that if others would do or not do certain things I would be ok.    It seems that every negative response or emotion I have stems from those 5 enemies.  It would be nice if I could always recognize them and pray about it right away but sometimes it seems I am flung so deep into a pit that it takes me awhile to see it allow myself to be pulled out. 
So back to the begining and David.  David did try to hide and he tried to cover up what he had done at times.  He did have to get to his lowest point and be faced with what he had done and faced the music (2 Samuel 11 and  12).  He and God had a dialouge in the throes of all this in Psalm 32.  I love how God starts the dialouge.
GOD:  Blessed is he whose transgressions are forgiven, whose sins are covered. Blessed is the man whose sin the LORD does not count against him and in whose spirit is no deceit.
DAVID:  When I kept silent, my bones wasted away through my groaning all day long.  For day and night
your hand was heavy upon me; my strength was sapped as in the heat of summer.
Selah (pause)
Then I acknowledged my sin to you and did not cover up my iniquity. I said, "I will confess my transgressions to the LORD "—and you forgave the guilt of my sin.
Selah (pause)
Therefore let everyone who is godly pray to you while you may be found; surely when the mighty waters rise,
they will not reach him. You are my hiding place; you will protect me from trouble and surround me with songs of deliverance.
Selah (pause)
GOD:  I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you and watch over you.  Do not be like the horse or the mule, which have no understanding but must be controlled by bit and bridle
or they will not come to you. Many are the woes of the wicked, but the LORD's unfailing love surrounds the man who trusts in him.
DAVID:  Rejoice in the LORD and be glad, you righteous; sing, all you who are upright in heart.
JOY:  Thank you Father.  Thank you that you are always there, ready to listen.  Ready to forgive.  Thank you for your grace.  Thank you for the realness of your Word.  Thank you that you used real people and their failings and real emotions to show your love and forgiveness. I am believing you and I am asking for your forgiveness,  I am trusting your unfailing, unwavering love. Fill me with your Spirit so that I can ask for forgiveness from others and help me to give grace when I need to.  Praise you Jesus. 
joy

"Never stop praying"

Prayer.  When God presses something so frequently on my heart and on so many people I know and love in one day I feel I need to pay attention.  I feel like many are getting the message I am getting "Cry out, reach out, pray!" 
I started to notice it when I received an invitation on Facebook to pray for a little boy who had suffered a traumatic injury.  I accepted that request and have kept that boy and his family close in my heart.  Because I have a heart for sick and injured children this really broke my heart.  A family friend posted updates on FB so people could pray more specifically and his dad journaled his journey on a Caring Bridge website.  There were 48,378 people who accepted the call to pray for him and 156,396 visits to his Caring Bridge website. 
I  was touched and humbled by this family's journey and testimony of faith.  I hope that they know or eventually will know that in this many people were shown a loving God who gently cares for His own because of their testimony.   http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/benjaminricketts/journal
I could type and type about my emotions related to this family, but what is really pressing on my heart is the number of people who came along side them in prayer.  And this is the theme I have seen in the past few days.  Sometimes we are reluctant to "burden" others with our prayer needs.  Why is this?  For me, it's pride.  I don't really want to share my burdens, because then you would know I struggle.  And you probably thought I was superhuman before so I don't want to spoil that for you.  :)  It doesn't make sense I know and I am have come a long way.  But the thinking was definately there.  Maybe we don't think we are worth other peoples time.  But here's the thing, Jesus is worth it.  When anyone prays they are going to the Intercessor.  They are able to enter the Holy of Holies and that is not a burden.  That is a privilege. 
I admit that being far away, I feel helpless alot when I want to be with my extended family and I want to give them a hug or some time or some action and so I feel like "Well at least I can pray."  Why is prayer relegated to a "last resort"?  It's what I do when I can not physically do something.  But that is wrong thinking.  The most powerful thing I can do is pray.  Prayer moves the hand of God.  It shows utter dependence on Him.  It acknowledges His control and His power, not mine.  It gives Him the glory.  I need to be reminded of this more often when I think the best thing I can do for my kids and my husband is to give them my words or actions to "help" them. 
Here's something I didn't know.   I did a search on BibleGateway to see how many times the word  "prayer" was used in the Bible in some form.  That's pray, prayer, prayed, praying, etc.  I had thought it would be a big number like 1051 or something.  But it is 365.  My God is not a God of accidents or coincidence.  When He says "Never stop praying" (1 Thess 5:17 NLT) He shows us how much He means it. 
joy

Where have I been?

I doubt there are too many people who follow this blog and have been wondering where I have been.  But I don't post for others really.  I mean I hope it helps and people can relate but mostly it's my "processing tool."  And I, for myself, need to acknowledge, "Where have I been?"  When I type, often the Holy Spirit gives me insight, I can not normally attain on my own.  When I am not typing the enemy has won a small victory because it means either a) I am too busy or distracted to be listening to what God has to say or b) I am isolating and hiding and can't hear what God has to say.  In this case both are true.  The busyness of the end of the school year, a trip out of state, and settling into a new job has kept me very distracted.  When I am distracted and "doing my own thing" the second thing happens.  I am not in the Word, I am not in frequent time with God and I start to unravel.  My patience wears thin, my frustration with little things mount, fear creeps in areas that God has already shown me He has in control.  And because of all these things I isolate and I believe the lies of self pity, doubt and fear. 
I recognized I was at this point most obviously this weekend.  The pastor from a church we have been going to invited us over for dinner with his wife and family.  I won't go into all the details but will say that they are a couple, who are our age, similar aged kids and similar interest (Beth Moore and golf!).  The conversation was great and it was wonderful to hear their story and to share some of ours.  But I found moments of  when I condemned myself at the end of the night as "sharing too much."  I believed the lie that "Well if they are going to reject me it might as well be now."  I was told once that when I do that I am like a leper who walks around shouting "Unclean! Go ahead and get close but you can't say you haven't been warned!"  I have also been told that usually what I percieve as "sharing too much" and drive people away most people just let it roll off of them and they will like me for me.  Sunday morning came around and it looked like we might not make it to church because Steve was getting held up at work.  I admit I was ok with that because I could not take the rejection outright.  I believed the lie of "Reject them before they reject you!"  But Steve hurried home and we made it.  Here is where God stepped in and stomped the enemies lies to smithereens.  We weren't there 5 minutes and the pastor's wife came up and invited me to dinner tonight with the group of ladies who had just finished a Beth Moore study.  If you read this post you know the isolation I have felt.  If you know me, you know that God has hand picked the perfect group of women for me to meet with on my first night out on my own here.  And I am thankful and overwhelmed by His love and His unique plan. 
And by the way, Steve is playing in a golf outing with the pastor and 2 other men at a fund raiser for an organization who connects people who are going through breast cancer.  It's called Breast Friends.   Again, unique to him as his mom died from breast cancer and she would have LOVED this idea (and the name!).
"O Lord, you have examined my heart and know everything about me. You know when I sit down or stand up. You know my thoughts even when I’m far away. You see me when I travel and when I rest at home. You know everything I do. You know what I am going to say even before I say it, Lord.  You go before me and follow me. You place your hand of blessing on my head. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too great for me to understand!"  (Psalm 139:1-7)  Amen
joy 

The Threshing Floor-part 2

It was not my plan to expand on this but it's been put on my heart that this might be important to some who are very important to me.  And I assume God showed me this and placed it on my heart for a reason.
I don't know alot about Bible study but I know that the principle of the "first mention" is pretty important.  It means if you are studying a certain word, topic, name of God, whatever, look first to see the context of the first mention in the Bible.  I think the first mention of the threshing floor is significant. 
"When they reached the threshing floor of Atad, near the Jordan, they lamented loudly and bitterly; and there Joseph observed a seven-day period of mourning for his father."  Genesis 50:9
Here is the context-Joseph was the youngest of Jacob.  His brothers hated him, sold him into slavery, and told Jacob he was dead.  Joseph ultimately prospered and became a major figure in Egypt, his brothers and father came to him during a famine in Canaan (they didn't know it was him), fulfilling a dream Joseph had before.  Joseph welcomed them, forgave them and set them up in Egypt.  Then Jacob, aka Israel dies.  This is where we land.  After Jacob dies, it takes 40 days to embalm and then 70 days for the Egyptians to mourn.  After all that Joseph goes to the Pharaoh and say's "My father wanted be buried in Cananan.  Can I have your permission to bring him there?" (that's my paraphrasing)   The Pharaoh says yes and so a large group sets out for Canaan. 
And here is where we land on verse 9 "When they reached the threshing floor of Atad, near the Jordan, they lamented loudly and bitterly; and there Joseph observed a seven-day period of mourning for his father."
Have you ever felt the need for a good cry but said "I will do that later.  This is not the appropriate place to lose it."  I have.  In my heart I see Joseph, feet heavy, heart heavier, the knowledge of the loss of his father becoming more real the closer he gets to his homeland.  Then he gets home to his "safe place" and he lays down and loses it.  Without apology, he allows himself time to finally mourn this loss.  To grieve.  To lay it all out.  To stop denying that it's ok and he'd be all right. 
When we have a loss, God knows it hurts.  He didn't build us to blindly say "It's God's will and I am ok with that."  He built us with dreams, hopes, desires and emotions.  
But I know that because Joseph wept on that threshing floor, it means that God had a purpose for his grief, his hurt,  his mourning.  I wonder if in that time he didn't just mourn his father's death but also the time he lost from him when he was in Egypt, the betrayal of his brothers, the life in Canaan he lost.  Maybe in that time Joseph drew closer to God, felt his love and tenderness.  Maybe in that time he learned the grace of God and he learned forgiveness. 
I know that later on in the  chapter Joseph's brothers look at each other and say "Great, our father is dead.  What's going to keep him from killing us now?"  (again I paraphrase) So they go before Joseph with a prepared speech and Joseph responds with an often quoted verse "Don't be afraid. Am I in the place of God?  You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives. So then, don't be afraid. I will provide for you and your children." And he reassured them and spoke kindly to them. (Genesis 50:19)  I wonder if Joseph's heart was prepared for that on the threshing floor.
A time of mourning is the first mention of the threshing floor.  Accept it, receive what God wants you to learn about him and yourself in that time.   Don't rush through it.  Remember, "it doesn't go on forever."

Threshed

I have been thinking alot about the threshing floor.  The threshing floor is where the grain is separated from the chaff by pounding or by oxen pulling a cart over it. John the Baptist used this process to describe what Jesus would do when He came. (Matthew 3:12) It doesn't paint a pleasant picture but it's were I am right now. He has set me on a journey to strange places (and I am not totally refering to the move), he is asking me to go places I don't know, release long held beliefs, live in a dependence that is foreign to me. In short, it has been a painful process at times.
Spent sometime looking up at how it God used it in the Old Testament.  There are many references and I would love to talk about all of them but that's not what I have been thinking about. 
I read a verse in Isaiah that was new to me this week and has given me comfort-"Caraway is not threshed with a sledge, nor is a cartwheel rolled over cummin; caraway is beaten out with a rod, and cummin with a stick. Grain must be ground to make bread;  so one does not go on threshing it forever.   Though he drives the wheels of his threshing cart over it, his horses do not grind it."  (Isaiah 28:27-28) What that means is that first of all we are not all threshed the same way.  Hallelujah!    It means that God knows we are individuals and he doesn't just thresh and press us just for the sake of doing it.  It means He has a unique and special plan for us.  It has an ultimate purpose and "it doesn't go on forever."  It is not a beating or a discipline.  It is God's way of getting rid of the bad and bringing out the best in us. 
What I always remember about the threshing floor itself occurs in 2 Samuel 24:18-25.  David needs to build an altar to stop a plague that is killing his people.  The worst of it is that the people were stricken because of something David had done.  Not them.  So God told him were to go, what to buy and to build an altar.  So he bought a threshing floor and there he built an altar. And he made the sacrifices and the plague stopped.  That's the short version.  I wonder at the time if David wondered "Why a threshing floor?"  But God is cool like that because in that spot is where God told David's son Solomon to build His temple. 
I love the connection.  From that painful place, He is building a beautiful dwelling place for Himself in me too.  My task is to to keep making those sacrifices to Him, to keep giving Him praise.  To offer back to Him what He has done in me. 
This has given me hope and I am able to more joyfully accept the place where I am. 
in Christ,
joy