A real time journey

(Warning what you are about to read is a real time journey of my heart. It may not make complete sense but it is where Jesus lead my heart.)
I am at a point today where I am wondering how David had the guts to go to God and ask for forgiveness.  When he was at his worst he was very bad.  An adulterer, a murderer, a liar.  What in his heart knew that he could turn to God?  How did he so intimately know the concept of grace?  The bigger question may be why don't I?  Why do I feel like I can fail so greatly that I am not worthy of God's love and grace?  That I believe that I am too ashamed to go to Him and ask for forgiveness for the same sins again and again.  Why do I believe that it is best to just hide for awhile and maybe He and I can just forget all about it? 
I don't want to get into the details that have brought this on, that's not what is important and it's between Jesus and me and the one I need to apologize too. 
I have been trying to work my way through a book that should not take me so long to get through but I want to absorb as much as I can.  The title is "Hinds Feet in High Places."  It's a story about Much Afraid.   She is working her way to the High Places on crippled feet and a crooked mouth.  The Shepard is leading her and she is accompanied by Sorrow and Suffering.  Her enemies are Self Pity, Bitterness, Pride, Resentment and Craven Fear. 
I realized the other day that her and my enemies are not often from the outside or external circumstancesas is sometimes seems but from the inside and lies that I tell myself.  These are the enemies who with their powerful words cause me to want to hide, to not ask forgiveness, that make me believe I am unforgiveable.  They want me to believe that situations are hopeless, that I am unfixable, that if others would do or not do certain things I would be ok.    It seems that every negative response or emotion I have stems from those 5 enemies.  It would be nice if I could always recognize them and pray about it right away but sometimes it seems I am flung so deep into a pit that it takes me awhile to see it allow myself to be pulled out. 
So back to the begining and David.  David did try to hide and he tried to cover up what he had done at times.  He did have to get to his lowest point and be faced with what he had done and faced the music (2 Samuel 11 and  12).  He and God had a dialouge in the throes of all this in Psalm 32.  I love how God starts the dialouge.
GOD:  Blessed is he whose transgressions are forgiven, whose sins are covered. Blessed is the man whose sin the LORD does not count against him and in whose spirit is no deceit.
DAVID:  When I kept silent, my bones wasted away through my groaning all day long.  For day and night
your hand was heavy upon me; my strength was sapped as in the heat of summer.
Selah (pause)
Then I acknowledged my sin to you and did not cover up my iniquity. I said, "I will confess my transgressions to the LORD "—and you forgave the guilt of my sin.
Selah (pause)
Therefore let everyone who is godly pray to you while you may be found; surely when the mighty waters rise,
they will not reach him. You are my hiding place; you will protect me from trouble and surround me with songs of deliverance.
Selah (pause)
GOD:  I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you and watch over you.  Do not be like the horse or the mule, which have no understanding but must be controlled by bit and bridle
or they will not come to you. Many are the woes of the wicked, but the LORD's unfailing love surrounds the man who trusts in him.
DAVID:  Rejoice in the LORD and be glad, you righteous; sing, all you who are upright in heart.
JOY:  Thank you Father.  Thank you that you are always there, ready to listen.  Ready to forgive.  Thank you for your grace.  Thank you for the realness of your Word.  Thank you that you used real people and their failings and real emotions to show your love and forgiveness. I am believing you and I am asking for your forgiveness,  I am trusting your unfailing, unwavering love. Fill me with your Spirit so that I can ask for forgiveness from others and help me to give grace when I need to.  Praise you Jesus. 
joy