Going Home Again

I sit down to type this am with a little trepidation.  I ask first for your grace and understanding for all thoughts on this blogs are my own and they are my perceptions of my life.  If any of you who read this know my family, everything you know about them is true.  We are a bold, laughing, busy, laughing, giving, laughing, loving, laughing, crazy bunch.  But for anyone who finds themselves in a family of 50 or of 5 you find there is an internal struggle and that's what I am going to try to lay out for you.
We have been in Florida for a little over 1 1/2 yrs.  This Christmas is the first holiday we will be "going back" for.  I promised my mom a long time ago we'd be back.  And back we will be.  And so the plans for travel, gift logistics, different family Christmases,  lodging, family pictures and seeing old friends other logistics began.
And one night I woke up with a full on panic attack-hyperventilation, fingers tingling, cramps in my extremities and it only took me 3 seconds to feel what what looming on me.  Going back....  And I have tried to express it to a couple of people and they talked to me and heard me and promised to pray for me.  And it's through those things I am better able to articulate what's really going on in my head.  Because my heart is ready to see my big, loving, laughing family.  I am ready to cuddle babies.  I am ready to talk and touch base.  I am ready to make memories.  I am ready to hug on my mom and my sisters and their families.  My heart is ready.  In fact as I  type my sweet niece mention me in a facebook thread and how she is excited to see me and my family and I am in tears.   So sweet.  I'm so not worthy.
I finally reached a revelation came this weekend as we watched Four Christmases.  That movie cracks me up but for the first time I got it.  It's about a couple who have avoided family Christmases for years and this year they are "forced" by weather and circumstances to go to 4 Christmases of  their families.  What I realized at the end is that its not the craziness of the families they were trying to avoid but how they feel about themselves in that family unit.
Let me put this in it's own paragraph.  It's not about the family but how one feels about themselves and how they perceive themselves and feel about themselves in this family unit.  Away from the family they were successful, strong people.  Before they even walked in the door of the house they became small and afraid.  I get that.
My family views me positively (I think pretty much.)  My nieces and nephews love me.  I am a cool aunt. :)  I think they would be surprised to hear this insecurity.  Where does it come from?  My sisters don't body slam me like Vince Vaughn's brothers or make catty remarks like Reese Witherspoon's sister.
Well, a couple of reasons I suppose.  Home is where you are known the longest and the best.  Your family has seen the best and worst of you.  And a distinct disadvantage to being the youngest is that everyone has seen your whole life-good, bad and otherwise. My older sisters had a life and history before me or at least my child hood memories and I don't know it. When we get together I love family stories because I am still learning about life before me.
Because in a family you are so well known it makes you a little vulnerable.  You know that at any point anyone of them can bring up a past hurt or a known weakness.  Every family does it whether intentionally or innocently.  But it's a very vulnerable feeling especially if you are like me.
By like me I mean a person who carries around shame and embarrassment over mistakes and failures.  And I have a few and my family knows them.  And I feel like I walk around family gatherings with failures written all over me.
I mean I know God has forgiven me.  I know God wipes my slate clean.  I know, that I know, that I know He LOVES me just because he made me. It took me the better part of 30 something years to begin to wrap my arms around that.  It just doesn't feel that easy from the people who have known and loved you for your entire life.
Am I a mess?  Ummm...yes. Am I believing a lot of lies from the enemy of my soul right now?  Absolutely yes?  Do I need victory in this area?  YES.  Do I worry that my family will be caught a little off guard and maybe a little sad to hear all this? yes Do I want them to do anything different?  NO this is my battle.
What I want my nieces and nephews to know is "I love you guys. There is NOTHING you could have said or done in your life that would make me love you less.  Been there done that.  Might chew you out a little but only because I love you and I don't want you to carry the baggage I carry. It takes too long to unload."
To my sisters and mom I would say "Grace, all is grace.  I think we all struggle in our "role" in the family.  I think we all feel a little vulnerable.  It's ok. I love you.  We all love you. I put this out there so not one of us feels alone.  You are important in your own world and you are important in our family world too."
I still believe our family's verse is "He has filled our mouths with laughter and tongues with songs of joy.  Then it was said among the nations, the Lord has done great things for them." Psalm 126:2  We are very blessed.
I am adding  "We love because He first loved us."  1 John 4:19 as our Christmas verse and my prayer that in the stress and business of  Christmas that we won't forget the Love we are celebrating and that we are very intentional in heaping that love on one another and our beautiful families.
I hope anyone who reads this and is wondering "That's great but my family is not as cool as yours."  Understand this, you first need to know how God sees you.  Let me help.  He sees you as so loved, so precious, so beautiful and he sent his only Son to live on this broken planet and then die for you.  When you know that love it will spill out to everyone else. The real challenge (yours and mine) comes in accepting and receiving the love and grace of other people.  Any thought that keeps you from receiving that love is an arrow of the enemy who is trying to keep you from your best life and your best relationships.  It's all meant to keep you in the dark. Grab the truth. Believe Jesus loves you and you deserve to be loved.  Take any thoughts that counter that captive and start smashing them. (2 Corinthians 10:5)  Seriously now, do it.  Don't wait.
Love and be loved friend,
joy

My Resting Place

I had a million things to do this morning.  The house is tore up, the laundry is piled up, the dishes aren't leaping into the dishwasher by themselves.
But in spite of all that  "my heart heard you say, "Come and talk with me." and my heart responds "LORD, I am coming." (Psalm 27:7-8)  So I grabbed my little pink Bible, a Mt Dew and set out on foot due east until I found myself at one of my favorite spots.

The surf is big this morning and I can see that overnight the water has come  up to the steps.  There is seaweed all over the beach.  The waves are roaring and there is not a soul in the water.  The waves are such right now that they really look like they could swallow you up.

I am in awe and I search "ocean" on my Bible software.  I didn't have to go far for a "first mention."   "In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth.  The earth was formless and empty and darkness covered the deep waters.  And the Spirit of God was hovering over the surface of the the waters."  And I think to myself  "Is this what draws me here?  Is it because before everything else there was God and the deep waters?"  (I don't know but its true but its what crossed my mind) And in a few verses He makes it all take shape "God spoke:"Separate! Water-beneath-Heaven, gather into one place; Land, appear!" And there it was.  God named the land Earth.  He named the pooled water Ocean. God saw that it was good."

I saw a man pull a fishing net out of the seaweed.  I thought of Peter and his brother and how they just dropped their nets when Jesus called them.  I have a heart for Peter.  I wonder if when he made that decision to leave all he knew to follow Christ's call he thought he'd done the hardest part.  Just sayin.
I watched these little birds on the sand (they were too fast to take pictures of) and because I am prone to fear and a bit of anxiety, I remember "What is the price of 5 sparrows-two copper coins?  Yet God does not forget a single one of them.....So don't be afraid; you are more valuable than a whole flock of sparrows." (Luke 12:6-7)

My heart was full as this psalm (and favorite praise song) came up in my search.  "Shout to the LORD all the earth.....Let the sea and everything in it shout it's praise!  Let everything in it join in!"  (Psalm 98:7)

I know the world is busy.  I know life is hard.  Trust me I know this.  If you find yourself, tired, weary, unable to do it anymore, find some quiet time for you.  Take the time to rest in His care or lay your burdens before Him.  Cry, yell, sit in silence.  He can take it. Let Him bind your wounds, give you a place to rest. You don't have to get cleaned up.  He'll take you right as you are.  He loves you so very much.   I do too.
Be blessed.
joy

Mom Mondays Vol 1

So I've noticed some bloggers dedicate certain days of the week to certain themes.  So I thought I would try "Mom Monday's"  I chose this because after having a weekend with the children I need to debrief and this seems like a great forum to do it.
I always have great visions for the weekend.  I especially cherish my weekend because I work 1/2 of them and so I want to make the most of the 26 per year I have off.  So this causes me to put a ton of EXPECTATIONS on the limited time we have together.  I want to make memories, I want to complete projects, I want to clean, I want to play, I want to have peace, I want family time, I want couple time, I want me time, I want resign from motherhood by Sunday evening because it wasn't all I thought it should be and the kids didn't act the angels I expected them to be.  It's the reason the Real Housewives and Kardashians are so popular on my TV on Sunday evening.   It's comforting to see a bigger train  wreck than mine.
Sigh....will I ever learn?  Baby steps people, baby steps.  I think part of the pressure I put on myself is the realization that time is FLYING by.  I can't stand it.  I look at my 14 year old and I don't see 14, I see 4 years shy of 18, 2 years shy of a drivers license.  And I begin to hyperventilate.  It's too fast.  I'm still learning.  Part of it is "Give me another chance to do this right."  and part of it is "The last 14 years have gone by in a heartbeat, 4 years is going to be gone in no time flat."  I need to get a grip on this.
I am thankful to be mindful of this.  On Thursday night, It's the Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown came on.  It is our tradition to watch these together.  My oldest was all about cuddling up and being in my space that night and I am a person who tends to like her space.  It wouldn't be so bad if he wasn't so big and heavy.  I started to protest when the thought came "He may have a job next year.  He may be busy with friends.  He may not want to cuddle up with his mom any more."  So I grabbed the moment and savored it.
There is a book I read when he was little.   It's called "Let Me Hold You Longer" by Karen Kingsbury.  Its a sweet book that basically says we do a great job of chronicling and celebrating firsts (first smile, first steps, first day of school, etc) but what about the lasts?  How would we respond if we knew the last time our child would wake in the night to be comforted, the last flower they pick and bring you, the last picture they color and put on the fridge, the last tuck in at night, the last  time you help with a test, the last car ride you had to give, the last conversations about romance and their future.  The book ends with a prayer I think of often:
 "Let me hold on longer, God, to every precious last."
As time accelerates, my heart is pricked by this every so often to stop, savor, enjoy the moment.  Don't take the small things for granted.  It's those things you will cherish.  It's those things that bind your family together.
I pray this blesses your mom heart this morning.
Love you,
joy

the church, anger, social justice-also known as Tuesday in my world

We went to church on Sunday.  For people who have known me this should not be significant.  I am a "church goer,"  at least I was until I found myself in a place of Sunday mornings at home and not going. I'm not going to get into all the reasons of not going.  I'm still trying to process that.  But part of it was anger and disillusionment with "church" and what it is and it's value in my world.

Anyhoo, this Sunday we went to a church that a friend invited us to go to.  And what do you think that pastor spoke about?  Anger, specifically Jesus' anger in the temple. Really, how did he know I was coming?   In Matthew 21, John 2 and Mark 11, the story of Jesus's anger in the temple courts is told.  The point on Sunday was Jesus's anger with "institutionalized religion" and how far it had gotten from what it was intended.  And I get that. I love the "church universal".  I love fellow brothers and sisters in Christ.  I have loved hearing testimonies, praying with and celebrating with them regardless of what building they worship in on Sundays.  

But I have looked at churches and conflicts in churches and wonder "How angry would Jesus be if he came into this meeting?"  A church puts on a nice face on Sunday mornings but when you get to looking at how pastors are treated and interactions in "private meetings" that are mean, I wonder "Is this how Jesus called us to treat each other?  Or treat anyone for that matter?"  What is it in a church that fills people with this "I am so clearly right and you are so obviously wrong" attitude and why is it in a church that people feel like its ok to just spout that off and be unwilling to give.  I have witnessed these conflicts from afar and I have been in the thick of it.  It's real and I don't have the answers to why.  But the pastor pointed out on Sunday that in the paragraph immediately following where Jesus "loses it" he goes on  with his ministry. (Matthew 21:12-14).  He doesn't stew, he doesn't take time to hash it out with his disciples, he doesn't need to tell everyone his side and sway them with his arguments, he doesn't pout, he doesn't send nasty emails, he doesn't go directly to the high priest and tell him what a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad job he is doing and he's got to go.  No, no he doesn't do that.  He goes on with his ministry.  Now that was a point well taken and I pray that whoever is lead to read this and whoever needs to hear it that the Holy Spirit is sitting heavy and the conviction (NOT condemnation) is present.  If you are struggling wtih anger and the church, follow Jesus's example of righteous anger, deal with it and go on with your ministry.  

I studied this same story as John recounted it with a friend a couple of years ago.  You can find it in John 2.  We noticed that it is consistently mentioned about overturning the people selling doves.  In Leviticus (I think) it talks about how if you couldn't afford a "big" offering, you could offer a dove.   In fact, Jesus's parents offered the doves in Matthew when they presented him at the temple, which told me he grew up not as a person of wealth but among the poor.  And maybe the poor where being charged too much for the doves.  Maybe they were being taken advantage of. And when we studied that passage my thought was about Jesus's anger for injustice for the poor.  And it's ok to be angry about that too.  It's ok to be angry about cruelty, injustice, and bullying.  

Let me tell you a story.  I had a patient.  He was homeless. He was older.  He did not have an ID because it kept getting stolen or someone took it.   He had an old head injury and his speech and his memory was affected.  He walked with a cane. He was sent out of a facility the same day with the phone number and address to a mission and money for a cab.  He chose to go to the liquor store and buy a pint of vodka.  That's where the police found him and brought him to me. Thank you very little.  He came in drunk but sobered up in a  few hours.  He knew was not familiar with the area, I think he knew a major storm was coming and he was afraid to leave because he didn't know where to go.  Now some of you would stop right there and say, he made his choice and now he needs to deal with it. And I could have too and I have said "Too bad, so sad.  Bye, bye now." to plenty of patients but there was something in this that wouldn't let me do that.  

Because of his head injury he could not tell me too much about his history, his resources or his support but he did know his mother's phone number.  So I called this sweet woman in the midwest so far from her son.  She gave me his background and I heard the hurt and fear in her voice.  And my mother's heart was pricked and I knew if one of my kids was that far away from me I would pray someone would treat them with kindness.  After much debate and discussion it was determined he could sleep in the lobby overnight and then get a cab to the mission in the morning.  Feeling good about that, I called his mom and told her he'd be ok for the night and clocked out and headed out the door.  On my way to the car, something told me to go tell him that I let him know that his mom knew he'd be ok.  I went to the lobby and couldn't find him.  I asked the security officer and he said that he was getting his things together to leave.  I asked if that was what the gentleman wanted and he (the officer) said he had to go.  The rain had stopped and it was time to go.  He couldn't stay here.  Never mind that it was supposed to rain all night.  

Well, a "conversation" ensued between the officer and I about what I said was "supposed" to happen and what he said "was going to" happen.  He clearly didn't see my crown or scepter that made me queen of the world and justice and good and he wasn't hearing it.  So before I got myself into too much more trouble I left and I called my supervisor, who was at home and probably thinking he'd left that place behind him.  And he told me he'd try to make a call and I told him I'd try to forget about it  (I tend to hang on to things) and then I hung up and I cried.  Because that's what I do when I am sad and I don't know how to fix things.  And I prayed.  And I left it to Jesus.  Because he knows this man.  He knows his mom.  He knows I did all that I could do.  And He's got it all in his hand.  And that's how alot of my stories end these days.  Let it go.  Trust.  I did all I could.  I did the right thing.  right?  

Any way, anger for injustice is ok too.  

Anger for not getting your way, not ok.  Hurting people, breaking hearts, causing insecurity in anger.  Not ok. Very, very bad.  I am the first to admit, my anger is more unjustified that righteous.  But I think sometimes we who get angry, start to fall into the trap that all anger is bad.  That's not true either.  The principle to remember is "In your anger do not sin."  (Ephesians 4:26)  

And what does the Lord require of you?  To do justice, to love mercy and walk humbly with your God. (Micah 6:8)  That's not too hard.  right?

joy

Why I am thankful to be an ER nurse

It's Emergency Nurse's Week.  As I've said before, I became a nurse so that I could work with kids but my ADD brain means the ER is the best place for me to work.  I work in a 56 bed ED that sees like 65,000 patients a year.  It is the BUSIEST, most HIGH STRESS environment I have ever worked in and I LOVE it.  There have been many changes and higher than normal stress situations recently.  I have seen and heard things I don't understand. I keep reminding myself "that there for the grace of God go I."  Bad things can happen to anyone of us as nurses.  We do our best with the information we have and what we perceive and make split second decisions.  99.9% of the time we right are but when it's not, it can be devastating.  All of this has been rolling around in my head and I realized this morning it was time for a "thankful list."  When things seem most pressing my dad used to say "Count your blessings."  It has been a recurring theme in my life this year to be THANKFUL no matter what the circumstances.  So here's my list of:
WHY I AM THANKFUL TO BE AN ER NURSE

1. I never know what is going to be behind door number 1 or 32 or 53 or(wherever my assignment is) when I walk in.  For some people the unknown is a little unnerving.  For the ER nurse it's the challenge of the job.  The "chief complaint" listed on the computer screen is rarely the main issue.
2. As a nurse I sometimes have the opportunity spend a little time with patients and peel back  the layers on the patient's story.  I liken it to an analogy of an onion.  You keep peeling and you will find the real deal and it stinks most of the time and sometimes can make you cry (out of sadness, frustration, tiredness, disbelief, etc).  
3. Even if a patient is AWFUL (Awful means angry for no reason, crazy, screaming, climbing out of bed with a broken hip, on the call light every 30 seconds, demanding pain meds after doses that would put an elephant to sleep) you know you will be rid of them by discharge or admission and they will be SEP (someone else's problem) soon enough. 
4. The shift rarely drags on.  It is the usual to get started and be in perpetual motion until by tummy says "Time for a cookie and a Mt Dew" and the first half of the shift has flown by. 
5. I get to work with the most amazing group of people.  As a "mid-shifter" I get to work with both the day and night crew.  I can honestly say they are different personality types but equally great to work with.  
6. The above mentioned group of people have a crazy sense of humor and I get to laugh at work a lot.  I wish I could tell a non-ER person what's funny but you wouldn't get it. Oh and google "You might be and ER nurse if..."  They are all true. Seriously, they are.  
7. I would be remiss if I didn't mention the people who run the show-from the Director to the charge nurses and everyone in between.  I am blessed to work under stellar leadership (not just sucking up although I think Boss's Day is coming up so this counts as my tribute to them.)  I see just a snap shot of what's going on in the ER and they see and deal with it all.  They handle a crazy amount of pressure ridiculously well.  They continue to try to make the ER great place to work while meeting challenges and resistance from all angles.   Thank you to all of them.   I know you do a lot of work that we don't see.  
8. I get to hear lots of stories.   I love a person's story.  It is a blessing to my heart to ask an elderly couple "How long have you been married?"  And then not just hear "66 years" but the story of how they met.  Gives me goosebumps.
9. I am challenged and convicted in my spirit every day.  It is the easiest way to be jaded with someones' pain and be harsh right back at the patient who is screaming at you.  But I know I am called to show compassion and caring to all of my patients.  I also know that most of the time I fall short.  Really, most people just want to be heard, a warm blanket and a turkey sandwich ( a little known fact of the ER is that the turkey sandwiches are apparently so good that some people ask for one as soon as they enter the exam room!) 
10. Lastly,  I am thankful I have a job.  I am doubly blessed because I have a job I love.  I did not apply anywhere else when we moved down here and I didn't have any idea what the hospitals were like.  The job I got was the exact hours I wanted to work in a place that is great with people who are amazing.  That's another whole story and at the time I didn't know it would work out so well.  God is good.  

So that's it!!! Any others that you think of, feel free to comment -remember this is a family blog :)
Thank you to all the amazing ER nurses, medics, HUCS and CNA's I get to work with everyday.  You are all a blessing to me.  

joy

When your child's not like the others...

Let me tell you about my daughter.  She is the only girl with 3 brothers.  She is a blond haired, blue-eyed, tall, and beautiful by the world's definition.  But as beautiful she is on the outside she is 100 times more beautiful on the inside.  She is loving, kind, empathetic, caring, giving, sweet by nature.  She makes friends everywhere she goes.  Others are drawn to her sweet light.
And this morning I sit here in tears for her.  As a mom one of the hardest things to hear is "Your child isn't like the other kids."  To keep in in perspective, she's not sick, she doesn't have an incurable disease.  I know parents who have dealt with far worse with their kids.  I know that.  My head knows that.  For some reason, after a meeting with her teacher this morning my heart hurts.
She has a language processing disorder, which basically means she doesn't process words spoken or read, the way a "normal" child does.  From kindergarten through 2nd grade a child learns to read, after that they read to learn.  If they are not processing well they fall behind pretty quickly.  She also has trouble knowing that her addition facts are the same every time and don't need to be recalculated.  She has memorized very few.  She has NO confidence in math.
I am hearing the teacher talk about "academic services" in addition to the speech/language therapy she gets already.  And words like "resource room,"  "held back," "special needs," fly through my head.  And I get scared.  I don't want this for my daughter.  I want her to fly through a passage and answer all the questions correctly.  I want to be able to ask her "What's 2+3?" and have her answer "5" confidently every time and not "4" or "2" or wait for her to do it on her fingers.
And because I am a mom I take all of this on me.  I go clear back to when I carried her inside of me.  I should have taken the stupid vitamins. The grief and stress I felt after dad died and my increased cortisol levels affected her developing brain.  Didn't I talk to her enough as an infant?  Was I so sad I forgot to?  Did I work to much?  Did having her younger brother born 20 months after her affect hinder my ability to monitor her development?   Did she have a good daycare?  Did she spend too much time in daycare?  Was it too much time in the car going with me to work 45 minutes each way?  Too much TV?  Should the fact that she could not remember her colors until preschool clue me in to a bigger problem and was there more I should have done then?  How long did she have hearing loss before she finally got tubes?  How long did she have loss before she got the 2nd and then 3rd set of tubes?  What could I have been/done differently so that my sweet girl would not have to struggle now?   My heart breaks.
I know I can't change the past.  I am scared and intimidated when I look at all the time and resources she is going to need to hopefully get caught up.  I believe a lie that I have failed miserably thus far, how can I help her at all going forward?  I am not equipped.  I don't have time to devote one on one with 3 other kids that need my attention after school too.  How am I going to do this?  I can't.  Right?
The Truth:
Whatever I have, wherever I am, I can make it through anything in the One who makes me who I am."  Philippians 4:13 The Message
I don't feel it right now but I have to believe that God who made me and made my girl didn't make a mistake in how how he made us and he didn't make a mistake giving her to me to raise.  And she and I can and will make it through any thing.  I will remember all the wonderful things he made when he made her.  I know he will use that heart of gold for his kingdom.  My job is to protect that spirit.  To show her and build on the strengths she has focus less on the weaknesses.  
I would covet your prayers for strength, wisdom and patience as we navigate through this.  Thanks for hearing me this morning.  
Blessings,
joy

Love lessons....

An open letter to my sweet nephew and his girlfriend who became engaged a few weeks ago,

I am sad to not be closer to share in all the planning and engagement festivities.  Know you are close to my heart and this is my attempt at giving you what I would give you over time if I were closer but now you get it all in one big letter.

I am so excited for you guys.  Marriage is fun.  It is great to have your best friend with you all the time.  It is so cool when, after you have been married a few years and you think you know every thing, you are still discovering new things about each other.  Your spouse is like a lifetime gift you get to unwrap everyday.  (Cue the hearts, cherubs and rose petals.) 

After 16 years of wedded, perfect bliss, I deemed myself the one to dole out unsolicited advice. You are welcome.  :)  So what do you need to know so you can have the perfect marriage like mine?  

Riggghhhht....ok, so not perfect but after 16 years we are together and that says something right?  And regarding that lifetime gift? Well, most days it is, but sometimes it's like a Uni Bomber package that has caught you unaware.  So in my effort to save you some struggles, cause you know I hate to see you hurt, here's a few things I have learned.  

First of all, EXPECTATIONS.  Expectations, everyone has them.  The dance, the success, comes in our ability to acknowledge them and to express them.  A small scale example:  I come home and the house isn't what I would expect it should look like and I am mad.  It was MY expectation that the sink would not only be empty but scrubbed clean, all messes would be picked up and the floor would be spotless.  However, if I do not express what "clean" is to me.  My husband is left to guess and do the best he can with what he feels clean is.  A wise counselor told me once to use the phrase "I need..."  It is how I acknowledge that I am not communicating what my expectations are and that I am getting frustrated at Steve's lack of mind reading skills.  As couples we don't have expectations just about household chores.  They are everywhere from how to hang the toilet paper, to what we are doing on Friday night. to how much money we save, to how much sex we have, to how our kids are raised.  EVERYONE comes into a marriage with their own life experiences and a vision with what life is going to look like.  That's fine but remember the other one in the marriage has done the same thing.  And when those visions clash, that's when conflict starts.  Every time you become frustrated ask yourself, is this an unspoken expectation that is not being met for me?  If the answer is yes, take a deep breath and a time out and figure out how to best express that expectation and what (if anything) your spouse can do.

Which brings me to my next point.   Here's the deal.  Steve and I have had our struggles.  From our own baggage prior to marrying, to postpartum depression, to losing his mom and my dad within a month of each other, midlife career change,  financial issues,  moving 6 people 1300 miles from everything we all had ever known and everything in between.  Through the power of Christ, an extremely supportive family, a gifted counselor and good friends we are still here.  I wish could tell you one thing that Steve did to change to make me happy and make our marriage work but I can't.  The change came within me.  The change came one day when suddenly realized I was fighting what God made him to be.  I was fighting who he was to the core and that wasn't going to change.  I was fighting good things (passion, loyalty, a strong work ethic, a need to provide for his family) but they didn't line up with my expectations or vision about what I thought life should look like so I fought them.  When I could finally take a step back and see my selfishness.  When I could stop comparing him to others and our marriage to other marriages.  When I could set down my pride and need to be right.  I could then see the man God made for me.   I could see him in a whole new light.  And that's when change came.  Lesson learned:  Quit trying to fix the other person when it is actually yourself that probably needs to change.  

As a husband, Steve is great.  He does a lot of things really well, however, if I could pick the one thing he has done consistently well since day 1 is call me "Beautiful."  Every day.  Now that was appropriate a decade and a half a go in my wedding gown with my hair just so and a body of a young 20 something.  That was before 4 kids, gray roots, and a slllooowwweeddd metabolism.  Yet he still says it and I usually say something like "I am glad you think so" in a self deprecating way.  But inside it makes me feel really good.  Affirm each other.  

Faith...you gotta have faith...it's true.  You need to have a shared faith. You need to have a faith you can share with each other.  Be able to pray for and with each other.  I am telling you there is NOTHING more powerful to draw you closer.  For each marriage that looks different.  Accept what works for you guys. Don't try to be what others expect or you think others expect.  But don't accept that nothing is ok.  Be involved in a community of believers who will be able to walk along side of you in good times and bad.  The ones who will step in a pray for you.  The ones who stick around in the tough times because they aren't afraid because know how big God is and will be able to keep showing you his love.  Start where you are and commit to grow closer to each other and to Christ.  

That's the highlights.  Of course you know, I am an open book and I am honest to a fault.  I am here for you to listen, pray, encourage, whatever you need.  

Love you!

Your loving, cool, and most awesome Aunt,

Joy

 

The "but what if's" and me

I have quote a favorite quote by Malcom Muggeridge:

“Every happening, great and small, is a parable whereby God speaks to us, and the art of life is to get the message.”       

I really do believe this quote.  The problem is that it can make me CRAZY sometimes.  I believe some of the ways God teaches me are the way he blesses me, in the small things that make me crazy and in the decisions I make.  When it comes to major (read-expensive, long term) decisions, I am pretty deliberate in laying things out before him and waiting seeking Him for confirmation that this is the right idea, decision, choice.  However, I am an over thinker and this can get a little muddy at times.  

I have a situation going on in my life right now that is driving me NUTS for this very reason.  I'll try to explain it without taking up pages and pages of web space.  

About 1 1/2 weeks ago, my area of the world seemed to be in line for a pretty good sized hurricane.  This would be our first since moving to Florida and we were still trying to wrap our heads around this and get preparations made should this actually hit us.  When the storm was about 4-5 days away, I had a night where I literally could not sleep.  I have a bad habit of searching the net on my blackberry for what ever question I have.   On this night, I was searching "preparing for a hurricane."  In my search, I thought to myself  "Maybe we need a generator."   So I searched Lowe's, found one that was a reasonable price and fell asleep.  I woke up the next day, dropped the kids off and went straight to Lowe's. On the way, I said  a quick prayer asking God to show me what was best.  I wandered around, found the generators, but alas they were all the huge ones that could power a football field. Sigh.  But wait, I turn around and on a cart was the exact generator I was looking for!  "Do you have any more of those?"  "Yes, one more."  A sign!  At the end of the aisle he sat with a beam of fluorescent light shining on him.   As I spoke the young man who would help me out with this beast, he informs me he had lived on the beach his whole (short) life and he'd never lost power.  Really?  A little bump in my sign but still undeterred.  

Let me back up a few days to me telling my darling husband "We need to save some money, so no major purchases this week."  

I was feeling a little guilty about this expensive impulse purchase even though my husband was very supportive (after he reminded me of my saving money comment) and agreed we needed this thing.  I went home, remembered a little monitor dealy-thing-a ma-gig that needed to be returned to Lowe's and an expired Lowes 10% off coupon.  I told myself I wouldn't have brought the coupon in if I wasn't going back anyway for the return.   On the way there, I asked/told the God of the Universe "What am I doing?  Are you planning to humble me here?  Am I going to look like an idiot asking for an expired 10% off an item I already purchased?  So be it." I felt so compelled I just kept going.  Well, I didn't look like an idiot.  The girl at the desk said she couldn't use it because it was over a month expired.  Then she paused and said "Unless you put up a fuss and ask to speak with the manager."  I looked at her and said "I'm fussing? Is the manager available?"  She called him he said "Go ahead."  And that was it.  

So I leave feeling blessed, secure in God's hand and prepared for what ever blows our way.  Fast forward to 3 days later, this hurricane turns and heads north and those poor people are still without power.  

This seems like a no brainer right?  This was a good decision. A blessing.  Right?  

Three days after this storm does not hit us I am looking at my pending pay check and realize I am short on hours because I didn't submit vacation time for a day I was off (I was so distracted by the stupid hurricane news I never thought about it).  AND the amount I am short is the price of that stupid generator. (Are you noticing how the love for the blessing of the generator has changed?) So I am seriously questioning myself and my ability to hear God.   I want to return that thing so badly (I have 30 days).   It sits in my garage and mocks me every time I pull in.  I ask everyone I see what they think I should do.  Most say "Keep it.  You'll need it...eventually."  And they all go back the storms of 2004-SEVEN years ago!!!  And that was a once in 100 year freak season.   I figure I still have 93 more years before I need this thing.  Can you tell this is killing me?  I am calling this a bad case of the "but what ifs." 

Return the generator "but what if"  we get a hurricane in 2 weeks?  It's supposed to be an active season.  If we go without power and don't have a generator it will be all my fault. 

Keep the generator "but what if" our car breaks down or another unexpected expense comes up and we don't have any money for it?  

I am quite good at this game and I can play it all day long.  I can apply it to any number of situations.  I have done it a long time.  I know it's name.  In my world it's called FEAR.  Fear can be called lots of other things-lack of trust, anxiety, unbelief, my imagination.  Fear causes my heart to pound, blurs my actual circumstances and my focus is on the "what ifs."  The next thing that happens is I doubt.  I doubt God, his presence, his love.  I doubt what I know about him, what I believe.  At this point I begin to try to control and calculate my circumstances. I wrap my arms around everything and it becomes "Mine!"  Which quickly leads to the next curve ball, Fear throws past mistakes in to my face and makes me believe its my future.  

Jesus and I have been walking together for quite awhile.  I count it a blessing that I am able to name this, even if it sometimes takes me awhile.  After I name it,  I know what I need to do.  Obviously, this is a battle I am fighting, and in Ephesians, it says that the sword of the Spirit is the Word of God.  I need armor for protection but when I am in battle I need a sword.  Where do I start in the Bible?  Sometimes I just open up the Psalms.  David dealt with the same stuff we do and he knew how to lay it out.  I also go to the back of my bible in the concordance and I look up "fear," "afraid," "anger" or "money."  What ever I am dealing with at the time.  Then I look up the verses associated with it.  Another great resource is www.biblegateway.com.  If you know a piece of a verse but aren't sure of the rest, you can plug it in and search for it.  Or you can search a word and it will give you the verses where that word or phrase appears.  I just searched "afraid" and I was reminded again how often God has to say to his people "Don't be afraid...."  he then follow those words with any number of reasons to not be afraid.  "Remember how I was with you before?"   "I will fight for you."   "Judgement is mine" and He goes on and on and says it again and again.  

So through this "happening," this generator, this metaphor for my whole life,  God is still trying to teach me.  "Don't be afraid.  Stop trying to figure this out.  I will make it clear in my time, not yours."  God would have alot less trouble with me if he gave me the ability to see the future. :)  My trust issues will have to be a whole other post.  

Oh, and as I went to BibleGateway's home page, their verse of the day (chosen especially for me) is:

“This is what the LORD says— your Redeemer, the Holy One of Israel: “I am the LORD your God, who teaches you what is best for you, who directs you in the way you should go.” Isaiah 48:17 NIV

Ok, Lord, I am hearing you...Surrender...Rest...Listen...Wait...Don't be afraid...Trust.  

Can't do it without you Jesus. 

joy

You know you are a pediatric nurse when...

I had the honor and privilege to sit with a group of like minded nurses this week as I interviewed for a job at a wonderful children's hospital in Orlando.  I have been feeling the itch to get back to a pediatric ER for a little while.  I love where I am right now.  I have no desire to leave.  I just want to supplement what I am doing so I can bring back to my full time job more knowledge, more best practice and more ideas to better take care of kids in our area. 
The beauty in nursing as a profession you are only limited by your imagination.  There are jobs available if you are willing to get out of your comfort zone, look a little bit and put your self out there.  I have been very blessed in this career. 
How did my interview go?  They offered me a full time position.  As stated above, that is not what I am looking for.  Also this hospital is 75 miles away.  At this point in my life it would be like trying to fit the round peg of my family into the square peg "my career."  If I have learned anything in the past year or so, it's I am not defined by my career.  My value and worth are not directly tied to what I do to earn money.  I can make an impact in my workplace.  I pray that's what God is using me for.  But my family is what's going to go on long after I am gone from this planet.  It's my family that's going to be the testimony of the kind of person I was. 
So back to where I started, the awesome pediatric nurses.  As I left them, I got to thinking about what a unique breed of nurses we are.  So I woke up this morning and I little list popped in my head. I just what to share it with you.  It's original, well thought out title is... 
"You know you are a Pediatric Nurse when...."
1) Children don't scare you.  Parents do.
2) You know all the words to the Barney song, Sponge Bob Squarepants, Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star and are unashamed to sing badly to calm and distract an anxious child. 
3) You pay attention to the words you use and tell every child there are no cats in the CAT scan because one time you didn't and had a very sad, confused patient.
4)  You use words like blue lines (veins), straws (IV catheter), soap (antiseptic), bee sting, pinch, poke to explain and IV start or blood draw to a child. 
5) You know bubbles and stickers are an essential part of nursing care.  It is a cardinal sin to not give out stickers to every child.
6) You could be a side show act at a carnival because you can state a babies age to the month just by looking at them and know a child's weight within 3-5 pounds just by knowing their age (after you convert it from kilograms).
7)  You have called the cops after seeing unrestrained children jumping around in the back of a moving car.
8)  Friends, relatives, neighbors call upon you to examine lacerations, extremity injury, rashes, fever "just to see what you think."
9)  You have heard "You work with kids?  It must be so sad."  more times than you can count.
10)  You know you work with kids because you are just caring for a patient.  You are caring for a future Albert Einstein, Michael Jordan, Taylor Swift, or Hilary Clinton.  You know a child has all that potential in them and you have seen and know what amazing odds they can overcome.  And when the outcome is not good, its a mixture of sadness and privilege to have been "chosen" to cross the families world at this time. 

So to all my pediatric nurse friends, you have crossed my mind over and over as I type this list.  I thank God that you were given this passion, this calling.  I pray that you will remember, even on the bad days, what an honor it is to care for these little souls.  You are following after the One who loves these children most of all.
"But Jesus called the children to him and said, “Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these."  Luke 18:16God bless,

joy

A Mom's Prayer on the First Day of School

Good morning Jesus.  It's quiet isn't it?  Is this what silence is?  It's nice to spend some of the quiet with you.
How did I get to this point of being a mom to an 8th, 7th, 3rd and 1st grader?  Where has the time gone?  Am I really that old? How can a 25 year old have an 8th grader?  I'm not 25?  Last time I checked, I had 1 little baby and now poof, there's 4!  And they are all in school!!  Did I blink? 
Thanks for the summer.  We had such fun together.  Sure we had our moments.  But I have been very blessed by the bonds our family has formed.  The kids all hugged each other before the 2 littlest headed out the door.  So sweet, so precious. 
Thank you for the morning.  The first day is so great when they are excited for the "new."  So excited for new clothes, new teacher, new friends.   Bind that feeling to our hearts.  Give them that excitement for everyday.  Show them that every day brings new possibilities,  new potential. 
I'm a mom and I worry.  I know the best way to handle those worries is give them to You.  I am wrapping my kids up as the gifts they are and giving them to you (again!).  I know you love them even more than I do and your love is perfect.  I know you are with them right now, what ever they are doing so I don't need to fuss. 
Father I pray they make good choices this year.  I pray they make the right choice on their tests, with the friends they choose and even what they eat for lunch.  Show them the right way.  Make it plain to them. Help them to shine brightly where ever they are.   
About those friends, the boys asked me about that this morning.  "Should I only have Christian friends?"  I told them "No."  I explained Christian friends are important because they encourage you and give you accountability but they should also have non Christian friends.  I told them they could be a light and encouragement for those kids too.  I asked them to not judge people by their clothes or the color of their skin or by what they have or don't have.  Then You to drive it home You showed me that lady on the side of the road.  The one I am quick to judge when I care for her at the hospital.   I hear You.  I see.  Thanks for the timely reminder Jesus.   I'm still learning too. 
Father, I pray for those teachers.  Give them wisdom, energy, and patience to make it through each day.  Help them to see the precious lives they are hlelping to mold and shape. Give them discernment to see the ones who need an extra touch, kind word or extra help with their class work.
They will be coming home soon.    Too soon for me to get done the long list of things I had planned to do for "as soon as the kids are in school."  Make the tranisition smooth.  Help all their kids on the bus be sweet and not foul mouthed spitters.    And when they blow through the door, help me to give them the love and attention they need.  Help me to make sure they feel heard and loved.  Help me to give them balance between home work, after school activities and play time. 
Thank you Father.   Thank you for letting me be the mom to these kids.  For some reason, You decided I was qualified to be the mom to this unique bunch of kids.  It's my greatest joy but it's what humbles me every day.  I know I fall short every day but I also know You have them securely in Your hand and they are going to be all right. 
In your powerful Name,
joy

On my First Annual 39th Birthday

Ok so it's been 2 MONTHS since I have been on this blog.  I was a little concerned blogger had shut me down for unuse or I would have forgotten my password.  Then my friend Trish got to posting this week (you can find her blog here) and I felt inspired again. 
Writing on this blog is  sometimes a challenge because I know how much of myself I am putting out there.  And at this point in my life, I am meeting and trying to grow friendships.  There is that voice that says "Don't write that, you'll look stupid."  or something equally condemning or isolating.   Then Miss Trish also posted a quote that is going to go permantently on my blog "“First, I do not sit down at my desk to put into verse something that is already clear in my mind.  If it were clear in my mind, I should have no incentive or need to write about it.We do not write in order to be understood; we write in order to understand.”~C.S. Lewis
And I got stuff I need to understand. :)  But that's for future, more soon to be published blogs. Today is my birthday and it's a day that I am just going to put out there, Who is Joy?  What do I want people to know about me? 
Let's see.  Jesus is my friend.  That's first and that's true.  Without Him in my life I would be even nuttier than I already seem to be. 
I have been married to 1 man for 16 years and I can look you straight in the face and say it gets better and better.  Ladies I'd like to be able to give you a tip for how to mold your man into what you are wanting.  But the change came in me and accepting him and loving him the way God made him to be.  That is all.
I have 4, yes 4, kids.  And it seems like that is the Waltons of the new millenia.  I get lots of shocked looks when I tell people that and a sense that no one gave me the population control memo.  But they are all great.  They are old enough now to know that the way to soften me up is to make me laugh.  (I love to laugh!)  My 2nd son does this Napoleon Dynamite imitation that makes me giggle every time.  I can't stop myself.
I am highly distractable and sort of hyperactive.  It is painful for me to get a hair cut because of the time I have to spend sitting.  And I can't fidget and I can't sit on my leg or cross my legs.  My 2 favorite ways to sit. 
I have always loved water and sun.  That is not new since moving to the Sunshine State.  The summers of my youth were spent at the public pool nearly every day from open to close. 
I love to read and I love my little Nook.  I am a book collector of sorts.  I don't collect for value.  I collect them for the comfort of knowing I can read them as soon as I am ready.  I need to relinquish my library card.  I am horrible about returning books.  I am not sure I have ever gotten books back on time.  
I start and sustain each day with a steady stream of Mt Dew.  I know it's not good for me and I am trying to drink more water.  But this has been my reality for 20 + years.  I am not going to change it. 
Which probably leads to and contributes to the fact that I am a night owl.  The Real Housewives of New York, New Jersey, Atlanta, Miami, and Orange County (oh yeah, I named them all) do contribute to my late nights.  Those women are like a bad car wreck.  You know you should look away but you can't.  Sigh....
My name is Joy and I am a blackberry addict.  No I don't have an I Phone.  It is likely divine intervention that I don't.  My children and husband could very well starve or live in dirty clothes or filth if I did.  What do I do with it?  I follow facebook and twitter.  I follow links to different pages  that people post.  I love that it's like a treasure hunt.  It's like in your Bible, when it references different verses at the bottom, I love to follow those around too.  I love information.  I google every thing.  I follow the blogs of Ann Voskamp, Jon Acuff, Chris Sprad, and Angie Smith. 
A former boss once told me about a job of "Thought Leader" (I don't  think that it exists any longer in today's economy.)  but I love the idea and know that I am one.  I am an idea person.   Execution, kind of suck at it.  I am painful for the Type A's to watch because I procrastinate.  I try to tell people, give me deadlines or trust me that I will get it done.  I don't like watching their eye lids twitch but it's just the way I am. 
Everyone has a love language and mine is time.  If you love me and want me to know it take some time with me.  It's interesting because time is my most valuable asset.  It doesn't bother me if something turns out to be a "waste of money" but if you waste my time.  Watch out.  That is a pet peeve. 
Oh pet peeves, I have a few of those.  Mouth noises.  HATE that.  Meetings that waste time by never having any new content.  People who talk loudly on their cell phones to the exclusion of every one around them.  Dirty socks on the floor. 
My passions?  My family.  My faith.  A desire for people to know they are loved, first by a heavenly Father, then by me.  Kids.  My kids, your kids, all kids.  I have a passion, as a nurse, to help others take great care of children.  Writing.   It feels good to be sitting at this computer and putting some words out there.  I love words.  I love stringing them together and praying that it may benefit some one, some time. 
Ok so that 's me.  That's where I have landed in 39 years. I wish it was more "wise."  But I am still learning and  trying to understand too.  And that's what will bring me back here again. 
much love,
joy

I've just got to say something

I had not really heard much talk about the end of the world, aka the Rapture, until this week.  I guess I don't have any billboards here letting me know. I don't get too involved in all that because 1-In Matthew 24, Jesus clearly states that no one but the Father knows the day or the hour and 2-I am secure in my salvation. 
So it's not the prediction that bothers me, it is the response I have been seeing to it.  This post if for those of you who are not in the number 2 category.
How does one receive salvation?  I say receive because you can't "get" it.  It's a gift from God.  It is a gift of forgiveness for EVERY sin you have committed.  It is a gift of grace, undeserved favor,  because we will never get it exactly right.  Salvation is not a list of "don'ts" and "dos."   The choices we make will be from an outpouring of love for Him after we spend time with Jesus in his Word and with other believers. 
What starts as a decision culminates into a love relationship, that like any relationship takes time to develop.  It takes time to fully embrace Jesus' love for us. It takes time fully give that back to him.  It is a lifelong process.  It is a lifetime of victories and shortcomings.  No one is perfect, not one.  That's why the Bible says "There is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus."-Romans 8:1.
But since God didn't make us robots, he gave us free will, he wants us to choose Him.  How do you do that? So it's not hard.  Jesus doesn't ask from us more than we can give.  It's as simple as confessing "Jesus I am a sinner.  I have screwed up in so many ways."  repenting "I am sorry. I want a new thing in my life. " and believing "I believe that you are the only one who can save me.  Thank you that you loved me so much you died for me."  And that's it.  I am sure you will have more to say once you realize you are talking to the Living God.  But that's all.  Just confess, repent, and ask, then know that He has heard you and you are saved. 
Sometimes we get caught in a lie of "Well you did that once but you screwed up so much it doesn't count." or "Did you really mean it when you prayed that in a "weak" moment?"  My answer is yes.  In Ephesians 1 it says we are SEALED in our salvation.  It means we can't lose it.  It can't be taken away from us.  So if you have been saved but you are living a life with shame.  You can go back to the Father.  He knows your name.  He remembers you and He loves you.  Like the father in the story of the prodigal son He's running toward you right now if you would just look up.  Confess it, ask for forgiveness and know that the slate is wiped clean. Receive His love and grace. 
I am not going to say anymore because I don't want to overwhelm.  If you have questions, I would be happy to try and answer them or I may forward them on to a more knowledgeable source. Email me at joyf72@gmail.com
Take care and have a blessed, secure day.
joy

Expectations can kill relationships

I read recently a simple phrase that turned me on my ear and it rings frequently in my head these days-"Expectations can kill relationships."  I don't know how this hits you but it hits me square.  Let me give you a few examples of where I've seen this happen.
A special birthday or holiday comes and everyone wants that day to be special for that person.  So every one bends over backwards to make that happen.  All of a sudden in the throws of it human flaws get thrown in and the perfection ends.  And it all goes down the tubes .  Right?  We expect a perfect day and throw in imperfect people.  It doesn't work. 
Another example, a big day going to a theme park, say Disney World, everyone is excited to go.  However its chaos getting out the door.  Everyone is a little tired because no one goes to bed on time.  Parents expect the children to be grateful for this trip and to show their gratitude be sprouting angel wings and halos.  Children expect the siblings around them to be quiet, not touch them, not breathe too loud.  The children expect the car ride to be shorter. Now that's a powder keg on wheels.  Things can start to fall apart within 5 minutes of being in the car. 
A trip is planned.  Friends and family gather.  Each and everyone comes with a different expectation.  Some want to relax.  Some want to spend time catching up and making memories.  Some want to see the sites.  Some just want everything to be perfect with blue skies and sunshine because how often to we get to really take a break from life?  But then we throw life in there. It rains.  And we stress, and we hurt and we don't know why.  It's because our expectations haven't been met. 
A spouse who doesn't meet our every need without our asking.  Doesn't read our minds.  Doesn't think of things the way we do.  Messes up in little and big ways.  Some people are so upset that their expectations haven't been met, they walk away from all of it thinking that another human will do a better job.  They won't.
No other human can meet all of our needs.  We put on our spouse to meet the needs that only God can fill.  Our security comes from Him.  Our joy comes from Him.  Our identity is in Him.  Our peace is in Him. 
The only way we can deal with other people not meeting our expectations is first to recognize that this is what you are doing.  Ask yourself  "Am I asking too much of this flawed human?"  "Have I clearly stated what I need or am I just assuming they know?"  Second, remember grace.  God gives us new mercies every morning.  He loves us in our highest highs and our lowest lows.  He knows the deepest parts of our hearts.  If the Creator of the Universe cared enough to sacrifice His own Son for all my screw ups, who am I to withhold forgiveness?  Who am I to deny grace?  Who am I to demand my every need, want, desire, and expectation is met?  Pitiful.  That's what I am. 
Jesus, I am humbled as I type and as I realize all the ways my expectations have hurt relationships with family and friends.  I am thankful that you are Jehovah Rapha-the God who heals.  Bind the wounds, Jesus.  You heal our broken hearts and bind our wounds.  (Psalm 147:3).  Thank you for giving me to eyes to see this now give me what  I need to give grace, love, and patience as I go forward.  Pour it into me Father.  Fill me up.  Place a hedge of protection around all of those praying this with me.  Give us a the sword of your Word for when the enemy tries to attack.  I pray this all in your mighty and powerful Name. 
Never give up,
joy

He turned my mourning into worship

It's that day again.  It has come around every year since 2002 and every year I say "Has it really been that long?"  It's the day my dad died and with him my chance for more memories with him died, the man who knew me the longest and loved me uncondtionally died, the opportunity to hear the words "I'm so proud of you" in the misty eyed, choked up way only he could say died, and my anchor was gone.  And while I still mourn my loss from his death I have also gained blessings.
I have wanted to share something about me for a long time and how it related to my dad's death but I never know how to share it well as it seems sort of weird.  But since this is my blog and my voice and it relates to his death and today is THE day I will go forward. 
It has to do with worship, how it changed and how the death of my earthly father brought me closer to my heavenly Father.  Here's the story.
We (my sisters and my mom and I) had the opportunity to talk with my dad several times before he died  about what he wanted for mom, how he wanted to be remembered, what to do with his stuff, etc.  But it was the night we talked about heaven that I will never, ever forget.  I believe it was a Divine gift because it has brought so much healing.
We were all sitting around about a week and a half before he died.  My dad was very clear mentally and was sitting in his chair and we were listening to the "Southern Gospel Hour" on the radio on that Sunday evening.  The hospice nurse had given us some questions and so I asked him if we could talk about them.  He agreed and so we started.  We got to the question of "What do you think heaven will be like?" and we all happily imagined streets of gold, reunions, big feasts, big huge wood working shops (he loved wood working) and my dad sat quietly and listened to us then he said  "I really don't know about all that.  I can't even imagine.  I will just worship Christ."  And there was silence.  I reflect and see what a holy moment it was. 
My dad was never demonstrative in his worship but in our tradition we went to church twice on Sundays.  My mom worked every other weekend and after my sisters were all married and gone it was just Dad and I going to church in the morning and sharing the Psalter Hymnal.  I loved to hear his voice when he sang his favorites "I will sing of My Redeemer," "What a Day that will be" "Great is thy Faithfulness".  His voice would crack with emotions at times.  He didn't sing loud or really well but he sang and that was his praise. 
Anyway, fast forward to a few months after he died.  I was driving around rural Iowa and flipping through the channels and I landed on a lady on a Christian radio station and she was talking about Revelations 4 which gives a picture of what heaven looks like.  In verse 4 it refers to the 24 elders but what those 24 elders represent are believers who are REDEEMED and are wearing gold crowns of victory.  And she said "If someone you love, who was saved, has died this is what the are doing.  They are worshiping!"  And I said to the radio "Yes they are."  And I could not wait to get home to tell my husband because his mom had died 1 month before my dad.  Here was HOPE and here was PROOF and I knew what they were doing at that moment!  I didn't "lose" my dad, I knew where he was. In fact in Revelations 4:8 it says "Day and night they never stop saying: “‘Holy, holy, holy is the Lord God Almighty,’who was, and is, and is to come."
So to my point.  Up to that point in my life I was pretty uncomfortable with raising my hands in worship.  But the Spirit had been tugging on me and moving my heart in worship.  Sometimes the "tears of praise" would leak out and I knew that the Holy Spirit was moving.  But after that realization of what my dad was doing I remember being in church and the song "Revelation Song" starting to play.  And in my heart the chains of grief were loosened and the chains were really loosened around my hands because they went up, a little at first then a little more and a lot more.  And I KNEW that my dad was doing the exact same thing at the moment and that was a blessing. 
I don't think of my dad every time I raise hands in my worship. I think of my Heavenly Father.   But when we sing "Holy, holy, holy is the LORD God Almighty who was and is and is to come. With all creation I sing, praise to the King of Kings"  I smile and the tears pour because I am right beside him again and we are worshiping Christ, together.

The Lord is my strength and my song;

he has given me victory.
This is my God, and I will praise him—
my father’s God, and I will exalt him! (Exodus 15:2)
thanks for listening,
joy

One Thousand Gifts

It feels like it's been more than 2 weeks since the last blog post.  It's probably because I haven't been blogging exactly what's been going on in my world.  I have said before that there's no point to this blog unless I attempt to be real.  I honestly would like to do that but sometimes I have a hard time fleshing out what's "real", what's "emotional", what's "hormonal", etc, etc.  I also get kind of tired of writing about the struggles.
I had hoped when I started this blog a year ago someone would be able to see a journey completed by now, a settling in, a fulfilment of sorts, a victorious woman. And this past month as that year mark came and went I struggled with why I am not "there yet."   I feel like a failure of sorts. 
Part of the lack of settling in is that the knowledge that the house we live in now is temporary.  We want to live closer to the beach and when the kids get out of school that is our plan.  By the way, please pray for wisdom and guidance for us as we look for the next place.  God was so faithful in providing this place, I need to trust He will continue to provide exactly the place we need, when we need it.  Let me back that up a little bit and go out on a limb.  I worship a God who wants to give me the desires of my heart, not just what I "need."  I am blessed and highly favored.  I know he has a wonderful place in mind for us and it will more than meet our needs.  Please pray that I keep that my focus and not let anxiety and the need to control take over. 
But because we know we will be moving a little ways away (around 10 miles), it still feels like I am still in a transition.  So I need to give myself a break.  My head can understand that.  But I am often times "heart led" so I take a beating pretty regularly.  I should have "accomplished" more in a year.  Ok, so you get what I've been battling. 
So along comes a book, on the recommendation of my sister.  It is One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp.  And all I can say is "Wow."  God in His providence put this book in the hands of 2 of my sisters at the same time as me a couple of weeks before we were planning to get together for a long weekend.  We were still reading it when we got together and so we had some chances to review and process a little bit.  But none of us had finished it yet.  I was able to read quite a bit on my way home and I told my sister "I don't know if the enemy was trying to keep me from this book before the trip, because I really needed it or if God wanted me to read it after."  And she said it was probably the later because now my heart is teachable.  So true.
Any way, I saw on google that the book was described as "Ann Voskamp invites us to slow down and celebrate a lifestyle of gratitude."  And I all I could think was "I don't think so."  This woman has a marriage, 6 kids, a farm and DESIRE to see God.  I don't think she would describe her journey as "slowed down."  Her journey started when a friend dares her to write down 1000 gifts God has given her.  It takes her quite awhile but she gets it done and allows herself to learn so much more along the way. 
Gratitude is not a "new" thing.  I mean even Oprah had a thing a few years ago about  the atitude of gratitude.  No, this is different.
I took a few notes in my journal as I wrote and these are a few of the "clips" fiom the first couple of chapters.
Writing down opens our eyes to the little things, its reflecting on what we've been given. 
All is grace
Eucharisteo (giving thanks) always, always, precedes the miracle. 
"When he (Jesus) was at the table with them, he took the bread, gave thanks, broke it and began to give it to them."
And that's just the first chapter or two.  Then she peels it back, layer by layer and talks about time, grace, anger, worship, anxiety, humility, culminating to our union with God.  Oh my goodness, do I recommend this book?  YES.  If you can stand it.  It's not a light read.  It's not a plow through in a few days and forget about it.  Buy the book , no, buy 2, one for a friend and buy a journal with it.  Don't miss the message God is giving in this book.  
It occured to me this morning that the difference between me now and me one year ago is that one year ago all I could do was give thanks.  And it wasn't thanks for the big things, it was thanks for the little things.  Because we came down here with nothing but each other and trusting God to provide.  He did.  Today I wake up and it's a beautiful day and all I can think about is how pathetic I am.  I need to stop and open my eyes and LOOK and see all the gifts He is giving me today.  I need to live in the moment. 
Father God, I am asking you, to help me with this.  Show me the next steps.  Open the eyes of my heart wide open to see your grace, your mercy, your gifts.  I feel like there is a little wall around my heart and it's only you who can break that down.  I need your grace, I need to know every day that you are all I need.  But here's the deal, I need to know it not just when I am alone and in my time with you I NEED to know it when the kids are screaming, the laundry is sky high, the attitudes are foul.  I NEED to know it when I am slammed hard at work and patients are sick and hurting and families are needing and ambulances are coming.  I need to see the "Ugly Beautiful." Jesus, I NEED it when I am so sick and so tired I don't want to get out of bed, when I am scared and anxious. I need to bend the knee and open my hand to receive what you are giving instead of standing with clenched fists and trying to control everything.  I need to see your glory.  I need to see your gifts.  Help me Father.  Thank you Jesus for Ann Voskamp and the story you gave her.  Thank you for her willingness to share her story and for her honesty.  May your continue to use your Word and her book to give others hope. 
All is grace,
joy

Dots and Stars

Report cards came out yesterday.  As it is the 3rd quarter and everyone is passing I am pleased.  The kids are doing solid work and really trying hard so I am proud of them.  It got me thinking though that I am glad as a grown up I don't have a quarterly report card.  I have a yearly evaluation at work I guess but I am not graded day to day.  Right?  Then I realized maybe that's not so true in my life.  Truth is my bosses could give me a horrible evaluation and that would be awful but it wouldn't be nearly as scathing as the one going on in my head some days. 
Have you ever heard of the children's story by Max Lucado "You are Special"?  It's a story about Wemmicks.  Wemmicks were notorious for placing dots and stars on people.  If you did well or looked good or had talent you got stars.  If you were awkward, did poorly or were unsuccessful you got gray dots.  There was one little guy, Punchinello, who got LOTS of dots.  He had so many he just kind of stayed away from people for fear of more dots.  He meets a girl, Lucia, one day who has no dots or stars and he asks her why she had no dots or stars.  She says she goes to visit her Maker, Eli everyday.  So Punchinello goes to visit Eli and they have a conversation but there is one quote in there that stays in my heart.  Punchinello wants to know why the stickers don't stick on the Lucia.  And Eli says to him "Because she has decided that what I think is more important than what anyone else thinks. The stickers only stick if you let them." 
Oh I love that.  I so needed that reminder.  These days the gray dots have been so thick on me. No one but me has stuck them on me. They stick every time I compare myself to someone else, try to achieve a standard for myself that's not possible, expect things from my family that are unrealistic. The are so tight around me I can't breath at times.  I have been afraid to go to new places for fear everyone will see my dots.  I thought it was anxiety but now I can see that they are mostly dumb dots. 
So I found Galatians 6:4-5 this morning and it gave me comfort "Don't be impressed with yourself. [I read this and think, Don't think about yourself so much].Don't compare yourself with others. Each of you must take responsibility for doing the creative best you can with your own life."
In this Lenten season I am also reminded that Jesus Christ came to this earth, suffered horribly, died and then ROSE AGAIN so I could have life abundant.  He didn't make me or you to get to bogged down in dots or stars.  He came so that we would be loved by Him and then show His love to others.  I know it seems too simple but that's it.
I'm not going to deny that anxiety and fear aren't real and that all of us deal with that but that's for another day.  I am still processing all that for myself.  Pray for me. :)
Have a blessed day.
"...they only stick if you let them..."
joy

cool drink of water

I need to make a disclaimer that first, I have a wonderful husband who ismy best friend. I never want to discount that relationship in my life.  Second, I don't want anyone to think I am "alone" even when I sound "lonely." I am  just a very relational person and also not a very patient person. I want relationships in Florida like I had in Iowa, NOW!  I never anticipated that building new relationships would take time, trial and error and a few other things. I am just journaling this journey in case anyone else goes through these things too.

John 4:10-42 "If you knew the generosity of who I am, you would be asking me for a drink, and I would give you fresh, living water."


The "Woman at the Well." I know there is something Jesus wants to show me through this woman. I think I am close. Here is what I know about this passage.

She came alone. She came to the well in the mid day hoping to avoid the other village ladies. She didn't need their condemning stares; she carried enough guilt on her own. After 5 husbands she was done with marriage but so she opted to "shack up" with the one she was with now.  This was a woman with trust issues and "walls." 

Ok, I get that.  I understand about not wanting to get close to someone because you are afraid of how people will respond to you once they "really" get to know you.  I make up others people's minds about me before I have ever told them my name.  I have their answers in my mind before I ever ask them to do anything.  I am begining to see why I need to take a look at this woman.  

As she was drawing water from the well a man approached her, a Jewish man nonetheless. I can only guess at the trust issues she had with men. I am sure she came trying to avoid the village women but never thinking she would have to deal with a Jewish man who was trying to talk to her there.

How confusing for her as Jews did not talk to Samaritans in those days much less ask them for anything. And men in general did not speak to her unless they wanted something from her.

But she looked at him as she spoke. She saw his eyes seeing her and she knew something was different. But trust is not something that came easily so she questioned him. She questioned why he, a Jew, would talk to her, a Samaritan. She questioned how was he going to carry any of his special "living water" if he didn't have a bucket.

She says to him (and I paraphrase), "Give me some of this water so I never have to come back to this well again." Is she mocking him? Or does she really hate coming to the well? The well was where day to day "normal" business was carried out and on the inside she was screaming "My life is not normal!" The guilt, shame and hiding were becoming too much. She saw no way out.

She tried to steer the questions so she could deflect the attention from herself but Jesus had a purpose in mind for her.

He asked her about her husband but he knew her situation. She just needed to be face to face honest with her Savior. Sometimes we do that voluntarily but sometimes we need to be confronted. Laying it ALL out is the only way to have true freedom. In unveiling her dark past, he brought to light a woman.

My heart hurts for her in this moment. She doesn't know what he will say next. She was used to the tongue lashing, berating words, the scolding that inevitably came. And the people who usually dished that out didn't really know her and the most hidden places in her heart. They just judged her based on her circumstances. What was about to come from this man who seemed to know everything about her?

She tries to figure it out on her level, “Oh, you are a prophet." And then the fast talking begins she tries to deflect this intensity. "You Jews insist that Jerusalem is the only place to worship, right?" I can see her mind in defense mode.

But Jesus uses all her questions and defenses to accomplish his purpose and that's her salvation.

He saw her and knew the truth about her and he loved her. He never saw her as hopeless or too far gone. He knew her potential as a disciple.

And he lays it out simply before her. He says to her "It's who you are and the way you live that count before God....That's the kind of people the Father is looking for: those who are simply and honestly themselves before him in worship."

He is telling her be truthful about yourself. Share your transformation, salvation story. When you are real, it's worship. When you worship, be real.

The woman left and became a witness. She went back to her town and "many of the Samaritans from that town believed in him because of this woman's testimony."

In the end I keep thinking about the woman who reached out to touch Jesus and she was healed and I contrast it with this woman.  I am struck and on my knees thankful that Jesus did the reaching out.  She did not see this coming. 

Have you ever longed for someone to reach out to you?  "Doesn't anyone see me?" There have been times reaching out hasn't always come when and how I hoped for it and that has bothered me. But then, when  I least expect it I am blessed by some one who does reach out, who's following up on a struggle I shared with her, who's called just to check on me, who's invited me to hang out, who has offered me the cool, water of real, authentic, accepting relationship.  His ways are much better than mine. Now if someone could just tatoo it on me so I would quit forgetting that.

Jesus, thank you that you still send people to break down our walls.  It's hard and it hurts sometimes too Lord.  But the reward is great.  Help me to trust you and to let others see what's real in me.  Help me to be a testimony the love and grace you've shown me.  Jesus I am so thankful your water gets into the dry, desert places on my heart and makes a fertile soil for growth and love.  Keep pouring it out Jesus so I can pour it out to others.
refreshed again by the Living Water.....

stop and sit with me for awhile

I have had a verse in my mind all month.  “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.  For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” Matthew 11:28-30 (NIV).  In my "old Bible" it's marked as a "favorite verse." 

It's no wonder this verse has been on my heart.  It has been really busy at work.  On top of being really busy while I am there, there are extra hours open and so I feel compelled to work those to.  Why?  Because I work 3 12 hour days a week and I feel a little like a "slacker" so I pick up an extra shift (or 2) each week.  At least that's the answer I give most people.  If you dig a little deeper there's more to it.
Peel back the next layer you will find I come from a long line of hard workers.  It is ingrained in me if you are healthy and able that is what you do, you work.  It's a generational Dutch thing.
Peel back the next layer and you will find I have success at work and that validates me.  People love you when you take care of them, most of the time. Some people will hate you no matter what but then I can love on them in a way Jesus would want me to and isn't that great too?   What a great place to get validated on how helpful, wonderful, caring you are.  Blah, blah, blah.
I work in the ER so my success is quick and my result are fast and I either a) send the patient on to someone else to care for or b) send them home.  Check, check, done!  It stands in stark constrast to home where dishes, kids papers and laundry pile up.  And I feel like I am never done.  My husband and kids have been great about helping and doing things for me and each other but then I feel GUILT because I can't do the "mom things".  Ughhh.  Anyone else starting to see how hopeless I am? 
Go a little deeper and you will see the dark part.  The part that is part greed, part fear.  Part greed because I like a big, fat paycheck.  I like being able to pay my bills when they are due.  I like having some extra to do fun things with my family.  Part fear because I look back to one year ago and that wasn't how it was and I NEVER want to go back there.  So I work and I work and I work some more. 
Here's what's strange.  When we moved here, I didn't have a job for 6 weeks.  I was in this state of dependence and not sure how God was going to work it out but I had to believe it.  He'd brought us down here and I didn't have a back up plan.  And he provided every day and gave us exactly what we needed when we needed it.  Then I got a job and it was part time.  I could work up to full time if I wanted but I had flexibility in that.  I liked being a mom.  God provided.  And I was content.
Then about October I decided to go full time which included every other weekend.  Why did I go full time?  I could say because the insurance was cheaper if I was full time.  But the truth is I couldn't see what God wanted to do with me and I was getting restless so I took over.   I worked. 
So I started full time, then I could work 1 extra day a payperiod, then 1 extra day a week, then "we need help can you come in?" So that's where I am now.  Back where I was a year ago.  Financially better, but emotionally, spiritually, relationally spent.

I have believed every lie. I worked out of fear.  I worked so I could "take over for God."  This is going to sound strange but I sometimes think I need to give God a break.  I owe it to him for all He's done for me. He has so many to take care of and I am highly capable, healthy, and able bodied.  I will work so He doesn't have to worry about me.  He shouldn't have to take care of me all the time. 
You can ask my husband, I am very difficult to take care of.  I don't depend on others well.  I don't ask for help.  I am proud of my independence.  My parents used to say "Joy's so independent."  And that was my badge I wore proudly. 
But in case you think I am a hopeless case I have done a few things differently this time around.  1) I recognized it.  2) I am putting it out there so if you know me and see me on a regular basis you can hold me accountable. Ask me "How's your schedule?" and "Have you taken a rest?" I will do it for you too if you want! 3) I have asked my husband to help me and keep me accountable to not let my schedule get out of hand anymore.
I am also keeping in front of me one of my favorite verses.  Matthew 11:28-30 (The Message) "Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you'll recover your life. I'll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won't lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you'll learn to live freely and lightly."

Thank you for the tenderness of this offer to rest with you.   I am thankful you are not a God who has us on a leash and tugs us this way or that way.  Jesus, I am ready to recover my life.  Today, I am back to walking and working with you.  I have a feeling that you are the counter weight I need to balance this life again.  You are my Jehovah Jireh and I trust you to meet ALL my needs.  Thank you that the "unforced rhythms of grace" mean that I don't owe you anything. All I give to you is because I love you. Thank you for this time to sit with you.  I am feeling lighter already.  I pray that others will find real rest with you too.  Thank you for this Sabbath.   Praise you. 
Thank you for taking the time to sit with me and rest. 
Love you!
joy

Crickets

Feeling a little like I may need to retitle this blog "Joy's Pit."  I don't know if it's shorter days, less sunlight, more long days at work or if my attitude just needs a real adjustment.  Let me try and explain with out sounding like the hot mess I think I am.
A little over a year ago I was in a leadership class and I recall many were sitting there because they were trying to figure out what God wanted to do with them.  I know I annoyed more than a few in my class because I often times felt like "I got this. What's the problem people?" I had a job I was very comfortable in and had achieved some success in, on the local school board, active in my church, studying the Word, getting ready to share it with my next "audience."  
Jump ahead to present day Joy.  No clue what I am doing.  When I ask God what do you want me to do I get crickets (silence).  When I try to volunteer for a couple of things I think I might be good at I get turned down.  Crickets.
At first I accepted it as resting.  Busy for too long and God sees I need a rest.  Now it feels like rusting.  I went from needing a break to feeling broken.   And it sucks.  I am thankful for those of you who can read this and not get it.  I am also sorry to those who were in this and I just assumed it was your own deal.  I ask, I cry out. "What do you want me to do?  I am spinning my wheels and trying but you are not helping me right now!  People around me are getting it done.  Good things.  Put me in coach!  I am ready to PLAY."  Crickets.
Trying to figure out relationships.  Who can I trust?  Who should I talk to?  Who wants to know me?  Who needs a friend too?  Do they even like me, Lord?  Crickets.
Is it me?  Am I too busy, is my world to noisy to hear God?  I can usally draw on His word to speak directly to me but now I feel like I am reading about him, a distant story. Is there a problem with me?  A sin I need to deal with?  What is it?  Crickets.
I have been pretty hard on myself. Yesterday it finally came to a head and  I was a blubbering mess.  This morning I found a piece by Oswald Chambers in My Utmost for His Highest.  It seems that I am not the only one who has experienced this silence of God. 
"Has God trusted you with a silence - a silence that is big with meaning? God's silences are His answers...Can God trust you like that, or are you still asking for a visible answer? God will give you the blessings you ask if you will not go any further without them; but His silence is the sign that He is bringing you into a marvellous understanding of Himself. Are you mourning before God because you have not had an audible response? (Me-Yes!!)You will find that God has trusted you in the most intimate way possible, with an absolute silence, not of despair, but of pleasure, because He saw that you could stand a bigger revelation. If God has given you a silence, praise Him, He is bringing you into the great run of His purposes. The manifestation of the answer in time is a matter of God's sovereignty. Time is nothing to God. For a while you said - "I asked God to give me bread, and He gave me a stone." He did not, and to-day you find He gave you the bread of life.

A wonderful thing about God's silence is that the contagion of His stillness gets into you and you become perfectly confident - "I know God has heard me." (Me-Still working on that!) His silence is the proof that He has. As long as you have the idea that God will bless you in answer to prayer, He will do it, but He will never give you the grace of silence. If Jesus Christ is bringing you into the understanding that prayer is for the glorifying of His Father, He will give you the first sign of His intimacy - silence."

Please note the emphasis are mine and the italics are my responses. 
I am trying to learn that it I need to be comfortable in the silence.  I need to trust God runs on a divine plan, not my time.  I remember the psalmist said "Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD." Psalm 27:14.  Patience and waiting are not my friends.  This will be a time of trusting Him that He does have something planned for me. 
I am learning in my prayer time I need to work on my silence so that I can just listen.  I love to talk, I love music in the background.  Silence is VERY hard for me.  God promises in Isaiah "Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you saying "This is the way; walk in it."  But I need to stop talking and start listening.  Stop doing and start listening.  He's saying to me "Get comfortable in this, Joy."    I am waiting for the BIG thing and the BIG answer.  I am remembering what Elijah learned "A hurricane wind ripped through the mountains and shattered the rocks before God, but God wasn't to be found in the wind; after the wind an earthquake, but God wasn't in the earthquake; and after the earthquake fire, but God wasn't in the fire; and after the fire a gentle and quiet whisper."  A person has to be quiet to hear a whisper. 

Pray for me.  This looks to be a big challenge for me.  Thank you sharing this journey with me.  I pray that when God seems quiet to you that you will remember something of this and God uses it to help you too. 
peace to you,
joy