Going Home Again

I sit down to type this am with a little trepidation.  I ask first for your grace and understanding for all thoughts on this blogs are my own and they are my perceptions of my life.  If any of you who read this know my family, everything you know about them is true.  We are a bold, laughing, busy, laughing, giving, laughing, loving, laughing, crazy bunch.  But for anyone who finds themselves in a family of 50 or of 5 you find there is an internal struggle and that's what I am going to try to lay out for you.
We have been in Florida for a little over 1 1/2 yrs.  This Christmas is the first holiday we will be "going back" for.  I promised my mom a long time ago we'd be back.  And back we will be.  And so the plans for travel, gift logistics, different family Christmases,  lodging, family pictures and seeing old friends other logistics began.
And one night I woke up with a full on panic attack-hyperventilation, fingers tingling, cramps in my extremities and it only took me 3 seconds to feel what what looming on me.  Going back....  And I have tried to express it to a couple of people and they talked to me and heard me and promised to pray for me.  And it's through those things I am better able to articulate what's really going on in my head.  Because my heart is ready to see my big, loving, laughing family.  I am ready to cuddle babies.  I am ready to talk and touch base.  I am ready to make memories.  I am ready to hug on my mom and my sisters and their families.  My heart is ready.  In fact as I  type my sweet niece mention me in a facebook thread and how she is excited to see me and my family and I am in tears.   So sweet.  I'm so not worthy.
I finally reached a revelation came this weekend as we watched Four Christmases.  That movie cracks me up but for the first time I got it.  It's about a couple who have avoided family Christmases for years and this year they are "forced" by weather and circumstances to go to 4 Christmases of  their families.  What I realized at the end is that its not the craziness of the families they were trying to avoid but how they feel about themselves in that family unit.
Let me put this in it's own paragraph.  It's not about the family but how one feels about themselves and how they perceive themselves and feel about themselves in this family unit.  Away from the family they were successful, strong people.  Before they even walked in the door of the house they became small and afraid.  I get that.
My family views me positively (I think pretty much.)  My nieces and nephews love me.  I am a cool aunt. :)  I think they would be surprised to hear this insecurity.  Where does it come from?  My sisters don't body slam me like Vince Vaughn's brothers or make catty remarks like Reese Witherspoon's sister.
Well, a couple of reasons I suppose.  Home is where you are known the longest and the best.  Your family has seen the best and worst of you.  And a distinct disadvantage to being the youngest is that everyone has seen your whole life-good, bad and otherwise. My older sisters had a life and history before me or at least my child hood memories and I don't know it. When we get together I love family stories because I am still learning about life before me.
Because in a family you are so well known it makes you a little vulnerable.  You know that at any point anyone of them can bring up a past hurt or a known weakness.  Every family does it whether intentionally or innocently.  But it's a very vulnerable feeling especially if you are like me.
By like me I mean a person who carries around shame and embarrassment over mistakes and failures.  And I have a few and my family knows them.  And I feel like I walk around family gatherings with failures written all over me.
I mean I know God has forgiven me.  I know God wipes my slate clean.  I know, that I know, that I know He LOVES me just because he made me. It took me the better part of 30 something years to begin to wrap my arms around that.  It just doesn't feel that easy from the people who have known and loved you for your entire life.
Am I a mess?  Ummm...yes. Am I believing a lot of lies from the enemy of my soul right now?  Absolutely yes?  Do I need victory in this area?  YES.  Do I worry that my family will be caught a little off guard and maybe a little sad to hear all this? yes Do I want them to do anything different?  NO this is my battle.
What I want my nieces and nephews to know is "I love you guys. There is NOTHING you could have said or done in your life that would make me love you less.  Been there done that.  Might chew you out a little but only because I love you and I don't want you to carry the baggage I carry. It takes too long to unload."
To my sisters and mom I would say "Grace, all is grace.  I think we all struggle in our "role" in the family.  I think we all feel a little vulnerable.  It's ok. I love you.  We all love you. I put this out there so not one of us feels alone.  You are important in your own world and you are important in our family world too."
I still believe our family's verse is "He has filled our mouths with laughter and tongues with songs of joy.  Then it was said among the nations, the Lord has done great things for them." Psalm 126:2  We are very blessed.
I am adding  "We love because He first loved us."  1 John 4:19 as our Christmas verse and my prayer that in the stress and business of  Christmas that we won't forget the Love we are celebrating and that we are very intentional in heaping that love on one another and our beautiful families.
I hope anyone who reads this and is wondering "That's great but my family is not as cool as yours."  Understand this, you first need to know how God sees you.  Let me help.  He sees you as so loved, so precious, so beautiful and he sent his only Son to live on this broken planet and then die for you.  When you know that love it will spill out to everyone else. The real challenge (yours and mine) comes in accepting and receiving the love and grace of other people.  Any thought that keeps you from receiving that love is an arrow of the enemy who is trying to keep you from your best life and your best relationships.  It's all meant to keep you in the dark. Grab the truth. Believe Jesus loves you and you deserve to be loved.  Take any thoughts that counter that captive and start smashing them. (2 Corinthians 10:5)  Seriously now, do it.  Don't wait.
Love and be loved friend,
joy

My Resting Place

I had a million things to do this morning.  The house is tore up, the laundry is piled up, the dishes aren't leaping into the dishwasher by themselves.
But in spite of all that  "my heart heard you say, "Come and talk with me." and my heart responds "LORD, I am coming." (Psalm 27:7-8)  So I grabbed my little pink Bible, a Mt Dew and set out on foot due east until I found myself at one of my favorite spots.

The surf is big this morning and I can see that overnight the water has come  up to the steps.  There is seaweed all over the beach.  The waves are roaring and there is not a soul in the water.  The waves are such right now that they really look like they could swallow you up.

I am in awe and I search "ocean" on my Bible software.  I didn't have to go far for a "first mention."   "In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth.  The earth was formless and empty and darkness covered the deep waters.  And the Spirit of God was hovering over the surface of the the waters."  And I think to myself  "Is this what draws me here?  Is it because before everything else there was God and the deep waters?"  (I don't know but its true but its what crossed my mind) And in a few verses He makes it all take shape "God spoke:"Separate! Water-beneath-Heaven, gather into one place; Land, appear!" And there it was.  God named the land Earth.  He named the pooled water Ocean. God saw that it was good."

I saw a man pull a fishing net out of the seaweed.  I thought of Peter and his brother and how they just dropped their nets when Jesus called them.  I have a heart for Peter.  I wonder if when he made that decision to leave all he knew to follow Christ's call he thought he'd done the hardest part.  Just sayin.
I watched these little birds on the sand (they were too fast to take pictures of) and because I am prone to fear and a bit of anxiety, I remember "What is the price of 5 sparrows-two copper coins?  Yet God does not forget a single one of them.....So don't be afraid; you are more valuable than a whole flock of sparrows." (Luke 12:6-7)

My heart was full as this psalm (and favorite praise song) came up in my search.  "Shout to the LORD all the earth.....Let the sea and everything in it shout it's praise!  Let everything in it join in!"  (Psalm 98:7)

I know the world is busy.  I know life is hard.  Trust me I know this.  If you find yourself, tired, weary, unable to do it anymore, find some quiet time for you.  Take the time to rest in His care or lay your burdens before Him.  Cry, yell, sit in silence.  He can take it. Let Him bind your wounds, give you a place to rest. You don't have to get cleaned up.  He'll take you right as you are.  He loves you so very much.   I do too.
Be blessed.
joy