Ouch

I know I just posted a couple of days ago.  Admittedly that was a copy and paste from an old blog I'd done a year or so ago.  My goal is to get a post every 7-10 days and I was feeling too busy and distracted to sit quietly and see what the Lord wanted to lay on me.  Today He did it.  An unexpected "bump" in my journey if you will. As usual, there's a back story.
If you read this blog you will know that a couple of posts ago a patient of mine said to me "You must have suffered." after I spoke with her about patience and suffering and somethings I had learned/experienced.  I did not much like being told that.  I am not a SUFFERER.  Others do and that's ok.  It's my job as a nurse to help people who suffer.  It's ok for others but not for me.  A little over a week ago my sister and I had lunch with our pastors at my church.  I really wanted them to meet as they are all very important in my world.  I was taken aback a bit when they were discussing me, my pastor said, "Joy is healing right now."  What? What? WHAT?  Who's healing?  I don't need healing.  I am FINE.  Can't you hear me say it?  I am F-I-N-E, fine.  Healing is for those who are hurt, ill, injured, weak.  I am none of those thank you much.  I am doing quite well.  Why would he think I need healing?  How would he know I need healing? 
Admittedly, I am quite a tamed down version of myself since the move.  I've kind of had a sense that I don't let alot of people get close to me for awhile.  In Iowa  I had a tight family that surrounded me, an amazing church family and friends who knew me for years.  They were all just always there and I was part the group. 
I have felt like maybe I am in this wilderness season, this time of "on my own," for a reason. God is doing a transformation in me and while I thought I knew where He and I might be headed, I realize I am clueless.  I think we like to think that the transformation God does to our hearts is quick and is small changes.  He's gracious enough to change us sometimes in small ways but His ultimate goal is the whole enchilada.  And once He has a hold and you surrender, He won't let go.  So I am not trying to rush through it.  But I am also realizing there is a fine line between that wilderness and self imposed exile.  One is a place where God can work in the deep places and test His Word and the other is a place where I think I can hide and "be safe" from any hurts.  And I am guilty on a regular basis of the later and with no accountability it's pretty easy. 
Ok, to the point, this morning, was friends' of ours last service at our church.  And it wasn't until I saw her and an unexpected powerful emotion rose up in me that I realized I was wounded.  The emotion wasn't excitement for a "new adventure " for them.  It was flash backs to our last service at our Iowa church and it was raw grief. I could have curled up and cried like it happened yesterday and not 6 months ago.   I did not see this coming.  When the tears flow as I type you can be assured I am being as real as I can be. 
So here I am in front of Jesus saying "Ok, this move, this "new thing" has hurt more than I have allowed myself to feel. Being pulled up by your roots hurts. I have tried to focus on the blessings and they have been numerous and great.  But I hurt, more that I would acknowledge and I need a healing.  In my weakness, You are strong.  And I am believing like the woman who reached out to just touch your robe I am reaching out and beleiving that the healing will come. If it means reaching out to others, show me how Lord.  I'm not good at it. I get scared and nervous and have already listed their judgements of me in my head before I even say hello.  I don't know what that looks like since this is new to me, Jesus.  But I am believing you are the One who "heals the broken hearted and binds up their wounds." Bring the healing Jesus." 
In Christ who loves us more fully than we know,
joy