It feels like it's been more than 2 weeks since the last blog post. It's probably because I haven't been blogging exactly what's been going on in my world. I have said before that there's no point to this blog unless I attempt to be real. I honestly would like to do that but sometimes I have a hard time fleshing out what's "real", what's "emotional", what's "hormonal", etc, etc. I also get kind of tired of writing about the struggles.
I had hoped when I started this blog a year ago someone would be able to see a journey completed by now, a settling in, a fulfilment of sorts, a victorious woman. And this past month as that year mark came and went I struggled with why I am not "there yet." I feel like a failure of sorts.
Part of the lack of settling in is that the knowledge that the house we live in now is temporary. We want to live closer to the beach and when the kids get out of school that is our plan. By the way, please pray for wisdom and guidance for us as we look for the next place. God was so faithful in providing this place, I need to trust He will continue to provide exactly the place we need, when we need it. Let me back that up a little bit and go out on a limb. I worship a God who wants to give me the desires of my heart, not just what I "need." I am blessed and highly favored. I know he has a wonderful place in mind for us and it will more than meet our needs. Please pray that I keep that my focus and not let anxiety and the need to control take over.
But because we know we will be moving a little ways away (around 10 miles), it still feels like I am still in a transition. So I need to give myself a break. My head can understand that. But I am often times "heart led" so I take a beating pretty regularly. I should have "accomplished" more in a year. Ok, so you get what I've been battling.
So along comes a book, on the recommendation of my sister. It is One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp. And all I can say is "Wow." God in His providence put this book in the hands of 2 of my sisters at the same time as me a couple of weeks before we were planning to get together for a long weekend. We were still reading it when we got together and so we had some chances to review and process a little bit. But none of us had finished it yet. I was able to read quite a bit on my way home and I told my sister "I don't know if the enemy was trying to keep me from this book before the trip, because I really needed it or if God wanted me to read it after." And she said it was probably the later because now my heart is teachable. So true.
Any way, I saw on google that the book was described as "Ann Voskamp invites us to slow down and celebrate a lifestyle of gratitude." And I all I could think was "I don't think so." This woman has a marriage, 6 kids, a farm and DESIRE to see God. I don't think she would describe her journey as "slowed down." Her journey started when a friend dares her to write down 1000 gifts God has given her. It takes her quite awhile but she gets it done and allows herself to learn so much more along the way.
Gratitude is not a "new" thing. I mean even Oprah had a thing a few years ago about the atitude of gratitude. No, this is different.
I took a few notes in my journal as I wrote and these are a few of the "clips" fiom the first couple of chapters.
Writing down opens our eyes to the little things, its reflecting on what we've been given.
All is grace
Eucharisteo (giving thanks) always, always, precedes the miracle.
"When he (Jesus) was at the table with them, he took the bread, gave thanks, broke it and began to give it to them."
And that's just the first chapter or two. Then she peels it back, layer by layer and talks about time, grace, anger, worship, anxiety, humility, culminating to our union with God. Oh my goodness, do I recommend this book? YES. If you can stand it. It's not a light read. It's not a plow through in a few days and forget about it. Buy the book , no, buy 2, one for a friend and buy a journal with it. Don't miss the message God is giving in this book.
It occured to me this morning that the difference between me now and me one year ago is that one year ago all I could do was give thanks. And it wasn't thanks for the big things, it was thanks for the little things. Because we came down here with nothing but each other and trusting God to provide. He did. Today I wake up and it's a beautiful day and all I can think about is how pathetic I am. I need to stop and open my eyes and LOOK and see all the gifts He is giving me today. I need to live in the moment.
Father God, I am asking you, to help me with this. Show me the next steps. Open the eyes of my heart wide open to see your grace, your mercy, your gifts. I feel like there is a little wall around my heart and it's only you who can break that down. I need your grace, I need to know every day that you are all I need. But here's the deal, I need to know it not just when I am alone and in my time with you I NEED to know it when the kids are screaming, the laundry is sky high, the attitudes are foul. I NEED to know it when I am slammed hard at work and patients are sick and hurting and families are needing and ambulances are coming. I need to see the "Ugly Beautiful." Jesus, I NEED it when I am so sick and so tired I don't want to get out of bed, when I am scared and anxious. I need to bend the knee and open my hand to receive what you are giving instead of standing with clenched fists and trying to control everything. I need to see your glory. I need to see your gifts. Help me Father. Thank you Jesus for Ann Voskamp and the story you gave her. Thank you for her willingness to share her story and for her honesty. May your continue to use your Word and her book to give others hope.
All is grace,
joy
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