Cross Roads

When I was a kid I had on orange winter coat.  I loved that thing.  I don't know why.  I would be embarrassed to say that orange is my favorite color as that seems sort of strange.  There is probably something significant about that and my personality and I would rather not know.  I have noticed I am more "orangey" in the summer thanks to a great pair of capri's and flip flops.  How many people have orange flip flops?  It reminds me of my 4th grade teacher who wore great flip flops but my favorite were the gold ones.  She was awesome.  The orange became more apparent today as I was grocery shopping in said capris and flip flops, looking cute with earrings to match and I pulled an orange pen out of my purse.  In addition my bedroom is painted this fantastic shade of orange.  I love it.  But that is not what I had intended to write about but wanted to share my orange observations with someone.  And it's why the blog has a new look.  :)

I have been given some opportunities here, professionally.  They are quite similar to what I was doing before and I am thankful.  I prayed that the gifts, skills and opportunities God gave me before would not be wasted.  I was a little (ok alot) fearful as it is in my nature to leap headlong into new challenges and projects.  Before I even know what's happened I am over booked, over extended and overstressed while my kids are short on hot meals, attention and time from their mom.  I am fearful of making past mistakes.  I am also aware that, on my own, I did those things because my worth and identity came from the recognition I got from those endevours. 
I landed on a Bible verse one day as I was wrestling this through.   The verse was this "Stand at the crossroads and look; ask for ancient paths ask where the good way is and walk in it, and there you will find rest for your souls." (Jeremiah 6:16) Smack in the middle of the verse I interjected-"This is troubling because I am at a cross roads. I fear making bad decisions." 
The next day I was looking over an old devotional and this quote from Beth Moore jumped out at me "Every believer needs second chances.  We know we are coming full circle with God when we stand at a very similar cross roads where we made such a mess of our life before, but this time we take a different road."
This is when I am thankful I journal because it wasn't until I turned back a page that the full message hit me. 
When I read that I stand amazed of God's love for me and His desire to reveal Himself to me when I seek Him. 
So what's my different road?  I am still seeking it but I have pinned down a few things. I believe part of my professional "mission statement" is to ensure kids get the best healthcare and my role in that is modeling it when I can, advocating for them or teaching others.  God and I agreed on that after my identity crisis as no longer being a "pediatric nurse."  It was very helpful to do that as now I have a lens through which I can look and make clearer decisions about where I invest my time and energy professionally.  In this "down time", however, I have also been given the opportunity to see how incredibly valuable my time with my family is.  I honestly did not see before how much my kids need me and how much better my home runs when it is my family is my priority.  It will need to be a very worthwhile endevour to ask me to give up any piece of that time.  I am also working on seeing me how God sees me.  I have not accomplished this on my own but with the help of very wise counsel.  I know that He loves me just because He made me.  Not because of any star or dot someone has put on me.  And when I believe Him on that I can rest in that and quit trying so hard to earn his love and favor.  Anything I do now is an outpouring of that love and not a way to earn it.   
So that's where I am at.  At the crossroads, coming full circle with God, looking at the ancient paths, asking Him "Which way now?"  I can feel confident and not fearful in those decsions and it that my soul can find rest.   Thank you Jesus. 
in Christ,
joy