I have had a verse in my mind all month. “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” Matthew 11:28-30 (NIV). In my "old Bible" it's marked as a "favorite verse."
It's no wonder this verse has been on my heart. It has been really busy at work. On top of being really busy while I am there, there are extra hours open and so I feel compelled to work those to. Why? Because I work 3 12 hour days a week and I feel a little like a "slacker" so I pick up an extra shift (or 2) each week. At least that's the answer I give most people. If you dig a little deeper there's more to it.
Peel back the next layer you will find I come from a long line of hard workers. It is ingrained in me if you are healthy and able that is what you do, you work. It's a generational Dutch thing.
Peel back the next layer and you will find I have success at work and that validates me. People love you when you take care of them, most of the time. Some people will hate you no matter what but then I can love on them in a way Jesus would want me to and isn't that great too? What a great place to get validated on how helpful, wonderful, caring you are. Blah, blah, blah.
I work in the ER so my success is quick and my result are fast and I either a) send the patient on to someone else to care for or b) send them home. Check, check, done! It stands in stark constrast to home where dishes, kids papers and laundry pile up. And I feel like I am never done. My husband and kids have been great about helping and doing things for me and each other but then I feel GUILT because I can't do the "mom things". Ughhh. Anyone else starting to see how hopeless I am?
Go a little deeper and you will see the dark part. The part that is part greed, part fear. Part greed because I like a big, fat paycheck. I like being able to pay my bills when they are due. I like having some extra to do fun things with my family. Part fear because I look back to one year ago and that wasn't how it was and I NEVER want to go back there. So I work and I work and I work some more.
Here's what's strange. When we moved here, I didn't have a job for 6 weeks. I was in this state of dependence and not sure how God was going to work it out but I had to believe it. He'd brought us down here and I didn't have a back up plan. And he provided every day and gave us exactly what we needed when we needed it. Then I got a job and it was part time. I could work up to full time if I wanted but I had flexibility in that. I liked being a mom. God provided. And I was content.
Then about October I decided to go full time which included every other weekend. Why did I go full time? I could say because the insurance was cheaper if I was full time. But the truth is I couldn't see what God wanted to do with me and I was getting restless so I took over. I worked.
So I started full time, then I could work 1 extra day a payperiod, then 1 extra day a week, then "we need help can you come in?" So that's where I am now. Back where I was a year ago. Financially better, but emotionally, spiritually, relationally spent.
I have believed every lie. I worked out of fear. I worked so I could "take over for God." This is going to sound strange but I sometimes think I need to give God a break. I owe it to him for all He's done for me. He has so many to take care of and I am highly capable, healthy, and able bodied. I will work so He doesn't have to worry about me. He shouldn't have to take care of me all the time.
You can ask my husband, I am very difficult to take care of. I don't depend on others well. I don't ask for help. I am proud of my independence. My parents used to say "Joy's so independent." And that was my badge I wore proudly.
But in case you think I am a hopeless case I have done a few things differently this time around. 1) I recognized it. 2) I am putting it out there so if you know me and see me on a regular basis you can hold me accountable. Ask me "How's your schedule?" and "Have you taken a rest?" I will do it for you too if you want! 3) I have asked my husband to help me and keep me accountable to not let my schedule get out of hand anymore.
I am also keeping in front of me one of my favorite verses. Matthew 11:28-30 (The Message) "Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you'll recover your life. I'll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won't lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you'll learn to live freely and lightly."
Thank you for the tenderness of this offer to rest with you. I am thankful you are not a God who has us on a leash and tugs us this way or that way. Jesus, I am ready to recover my life. Today, I am back to walking and working with you. I have a feeling that you are the counter weight I need to balance this life again. You are my Jehovah Jireh and I trust you to meet ALL my needs. Thank you that the "unforced rhythms of grace" mean that I don't owe you anything. All I give to you is because I love you. Thank you for this time to sit with you. I am feeling lighter already. I pray that others will find real rest with you too. Thank you for this Sabbath. Praise you.
Thank you for taking the time to sit with me and rest.
Love you!
joy
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