Grace

I am, finally after 8 months, sitting on the beach with my Bible, my journal and
a commentary. Why it took so long to do this turns out to be the real reason
God brought me out here under the guise of a "spiritual retreat." The best way
I can put it is "Sometimes God tricks me to get me somewhere so I can deal with
what I have been avoiding for a long time."
About a year ago, maybe more I was sitting in my Iowa pastor's office and for some reason I was thinking about reaching out & I was sharing that I did a search and the only time I could find those words in the Bible was when the "woman with blood"  in Mark 5 reached out and touched the hem of Jesus's robe. I thought that was weird but I felt like my pastor knew that it was significant. So I always pay attention to that story and I was reading it again today on my "retreat" along with a commentary.
The story goes on to say Jesus feels "power gone from him" and He calls her out. See, it was an act of tremendous faith on her part to believe that just touching his robe would heal her but Jesus took it a step further.  My commentary said He did that because He knew she needed the personal, face to face encounter with him. I love that. 
Then do you know what she did? I always remembered that he blessed her and sent her away. BUT when I reread it again today I realized that she first told him her whole story-Mark 5:32 (the msg says it best). It is significant!
Here's the backstory:  I loved Psalm 18 especially verses 20-24 in the weeks before we left Iowa. "God made my life complete when I placed all the pieces before him."  See, we went through some really difficult, gross financial stuff as a result of wage cuts, layoffs and unwise decisions on our part.  We were so embarassed by it, but at the time I felt God wanted me to be honest and share with those closest to us exactly what was going on. I didn't want people to think we "ran away" when I knew they would find out eventually.  Some felt the need to respond with kind words and that was sweet.  Others said nothing because either (a) it didn't matter to them, we were the same people or (b) maybe they were disappointed in us.  I don't know.  But the whole thing is a black cloud and the enemy has used it to shoot arrows of lies at my core.
Fast forward to today and my "spiritual retreat." I was reflecting on the reasons in my journal "Why has it taken me so long to do this?" And the first thing off my pen was "Because it's a luxury I don't deserve."  The reason I haven't been out here to the beach to retreat and why I cringe when my husband posts on facebook about the current temperature or about the beach or some other cool thing we are doing is because I believed I/we didn't deserve it. When this started to hit home and in the time of processing all this and I wrote in my journal "How does Jesus see it?"
Back to Mark 5. After she lays it out to Him, He says to her (and I am just now soaking this in & the tears are streaming) "Daughter you took a risk of faith & now you are healed and whole. Live well, live blessed. Be healed of your plauge." Wow. 
He wants me to enjoy this place.  He wants me to realize we live in a great place and are blessed and THAT'S OKAY.  Grace is getting what I don't deserve. I am so thankful for the grace Jesus gives me everyday.
Thanks for hearing me again.. :)
Grace to you...
joy