If it was homesickness and the ache of hearing the sounds of "I'll be home for Christmsas..." I could deal with that. That seems "normal." No this is an area I would have formerly put in the "weak" or "lame" or "pathetic" category and it is Lonely. Much different than being "alone." I have gotten used to "alone" and adapted to it. Lonely is when you want to have a connection with someone so bad it almost hurts. My husband gets a little offended when I talk about this as he feels I am not alone unless I have him and the kids around. This is true and probably speaks to my need to be more content with the blessing of my family. But here's the deal, it's kind of hard to not ask myself, "We have been here 10 months and I don't know if anybody here would call us "friends." We have people we hang out with occasionally. People that we work with and like. But not sure who I would call in a crisis if I needed help. Am I a loser?
This came to a head on Christmas Eve as I muddled through Christmas Eve service longing for the familiar of our church in Iowa, asking myself when is this going to feel like home, when am I going to stop comparing and appreciate this? And then the ugly thought that all these other people have family and friends to go to and out I go with my family, alone. I didn't even have Christmas Eve dinner prepared. My sweet husband was thinking Chic Fil A would be open and I was hoping for Chinese. Neither one worked. After we opened presents I was so entirely drained that when the kids acted up a bit I called off the going to look at Christmas lights and hot cocoa-our family tradition.
Christmas Day was at Walt Disney World along with a million other people doing their own Christmas thing. It was actually a really good place to be that day.
I could not have verbalized any of this until 2 evenings this week we were blessed to spend them with some Iowa friends. The filing I received in my spirit was very sweet. One person noted the alll the hugs and she was right. If you come down here I will hug you to death. This time of year has me so starved for the familiar that I was chatting up the family in the Iowa sweatshirts on the tram at WDW like we were old friends-until the little girl threw up on my son and I's shoes. :)
God made us to be in relationship. I know that is true. But as I search my Bible, what keeps coming up is the call to turn back to God to meet all my needs. I need to know that I am not forgotten even when the enemy wants me to believe I am. This has become a spiritual battle. And my weapon is the "sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God" (Ephesians 5:17) I remember I am not forgotten -"I will not forget you! See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands..." (Isaiah 49:16). I am loved so deeply by the God of the Universe “I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with unfailing kindness." (Jeremiah 31:3). I am not ever alone. "If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there. If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast." (Psalm 139:8-10)
The reality is that relationships take time to develop. Patience is not my strongest suit. God has shown up and showed me I am not alone. He has shown me His love in the sweetest ways. It is those moments I have clung to in the middle of all of this. I want to conclude with a little story.
I work with another nurse, that over the course of time God has allowed many conversations to occur about faith, prayer and end times (her favorite topic). I try to tell her that I am not worried. My salvation is secure. We talk about church and her aversion to going. (Please pray as I navigate that as well) We also have talked about angels and our common belief. I gave her a Christmas book to read about angels thinking a) she would like this and b) she needed to read something different than end of times stuff. And I told her that. She returned the book the next day with a gift wrapped in red tissue paper. She shrugged and said it wasn't a big deal but believe me when I tell you it was a very big deal to me. You can see a picture of the gift below. I touched my heart so much as it is exactly the kind of ornaments my dad used to make. And right away the feeling I had was "See, you are not alone. I have not forgotten your heart. You are loved" I love the moments when my Heavenly Father sound very much like my earthy father.
Praying for a blessed new year,
joy
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