“Every happening, great and small, is a parable whereby God speaks to us, and the art of life is to get the message.”
I really do believe this quote. The problem is that it can make me CRAZY sometimes. I believe some of the ways God teaches me are the way he blesses me, in the small things that make me crazy and in the decisions I make. When it comes to major (read-expensive, long term) decisions, I am pretty deliberate in laying things out before him and waiting seeking Him for confirmation that this is the right idea, decision, choice. However, I am an over thinker and this can get a little muddy at times.
I have a situation going on in my life right now that is driving me NUTS for this very reason. I'll try to explain it without taking up pages and pages of web space.
About 1 1/2 weeks ago, my area of the world seemed to be in line for a pretty good sized hurricane. This would be our first since moving to Florida and we were still trying to wrap our heads around this and get preparations made should this actually hit us. When the storm was about 4-5 days away, I had a night where I literally could not sleep. I have a bad habit of searching the net on my blackberry for what ever question I have. On this night, I was searching "preparing for a hurricane." In my search, I thought to myself "Maybe we need a generator." So I searched Lowe's, found one that was a reasonable price and fell asleep. I woke up the next day, dropped the kids off and went straight to Lowe's. On the way, I said a quick prayer asking God to show me what was best. I wandered around, found the generators, but alas they were all the huge ones that could power a football field. Sigh. But wait, I turn around and on a cart was the exact generator I was looking for! "Do you have any more of those?" "Yes, one more." A sign! At the end of the aisle he sat with a beam of fluorescent light shining on him. As I spoke the young man who would help me out with this beast, he informs me he had lived on the beach his whole (short) life and he'd never lost power. Really? A little bump in my sign but still undeterred.
Let me back up a few days to me telling my darling husband "We need to save some money, so no major purchases this week."
I was feeling a little guilty about this expensive impulse purchase even though my husband was very supportive (after he reminded me of my saving money comment) and agreed we needed this thing. I went home, remembered a little monitor dealy-thing-a ma-gig that needed to be returned to Lowe's and an expired Lowes 10% off coupon. I told myself I wouldn't have brought the coupon in if I wasn't going back anyway for the return. On the way there, I asked/told the God of the Universe "What am I doing? Are you planning to humble me here? Am I going to look like an idiot asking for an expired 10% off an item I already purchased? So be it." I felt so compelled I just kept going. Well, I didn't look like an idiot. The girl at the desk said she couldn't use it because it was over a month expired. Then she paused and said "Unless you put up a fuss and ask to speak with the manager." I looked at her and said "I'm fussing? Is the manager available?" She called him he said "Go ahead." And that was it.
So I leave feeling blessed, secure in God's hand and prepared for what ever blows our way. Fast forward to 3 days later, this hurricane turns and heads north and those poor people are still without power.
This seems like a no brainer right? This was a good decision. A blessing. Right?
Three days after this storm does not hit us I am looking at my pending pay check and realize I am short on hours because I didn't submit vacation time for a day I was off (I was so distracted by the stupid hurricane news I never thought about it). AND the amount I am short is the price of that stupid generator. (Are you noticing how the love for the blessing of the generator has changed?) So I am seriously questioning myself and my ability to hear God. I want to return that thing so badly (I have 30 days). It sits in my garage and mocks me every time I pull in. I ask everyone I see what they think I should do. Most say "Keep it. You'll need it...eventually." And they all go back the storms of 2004-SEVEN years ago!!! And that was a once in 100 year freak season. I figure I still have 93 more years before I need this thing. Can you tell this is killing me? I am calling this a bad case of the "but what ifs."
Return the generator "but what if" we get a hurricane in 2 weeks? It's supposed to be an active season. If we go without power and don't have a generator it will be all my fault.
Keep the generator "but what if" our car breaks down or another unexpected expense comes up and we don't have any money for it?
I am quite good at this game and I can play it all day long. I can apply it to any number of situations. I have done it a long time. I know it's name. In my world it's called FEAR. Fear can be called lots of other things-lack of trust, anxiety, unbelief, my imagination. Fear causes my heart to pound, blurs my actual circumstances and my focus is on the "what ifs." The next thing that happens is I doubt. I doubt God, his presence, his love. I doubt what I know about him, what I believe. At this point I begin to try to control and calculate my circumstances. I wrap my arms around everything and it becomes "Mine!" Which quickly leads to the next curve ball, Fear throws past mistakes in to my face and makes me believe its my future.
Jesus and I have been walking together for quite awhile. I count it a blessing that I am able to name this, even if it sometimes takes me awhile. After I name it, I know what I need to do. Obviously, this is a battle I am fighting, and in Ephesians, it says that the sword of the Spirit is the Word of God. I need armor for protection but when I am in battle I need a sword. Where do I start in the Bible? Sometimes I just open up the Psalms. David dealt with the same stuff we do and he knew how to lay it out. I also go to the back of my bible in the concordance and I look up "fear," "afraid," "anger" or "money." What ever I am dealing with at the time. Then I look up the verses associated with it. Another great resource is www.biblegateway.com. If you know a piece of a verse but aren't sure of the rest, you can plug it in and search for it. Or you can search a word and it will give you the verses where that word or phrase appears. I just searched "afraid" and I was reminded again how often God has to say to his people "Don't be afraid...." he then follow those words with any number of reasons to not be afraid. "Remember how I was with you before?" "I will fight for you." "Judgement is mine" and He goes on and on and says it again and again.
So through this "happening," this generator, this metaphor for my whole life, God is still trying to teach me. "Don't be afraid. Stop trying to figure this out. I will make it clear in my time, not yours." God would have alot less trouble with me if he gave me the ability to see the future. :) My trust issues will have to be a whole other post.
Oh, and as I went to BibleGateway's home page, their verse of the day (chosen especially for me) is:
“This is what the LORD says— your Redeemer, the Holy One of Israel: “I am the LORD your God, who teaches you what is best for you, who directs you in the way you should go.” Isaiah 48:17 NIVOk, Lord, I am hearing you...Surrender...Rest...Listen...Wait...Don't be afraid...Trust.
Can't do it without you Jesus.
joy
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