I am sad to not be closer to share in all the planning and engagement festivities. Know you are close to my heart and this is my attempt at giving you what I would give you over time if I were closer but now you get it all in one big letter.
I am so excited for you guys. Marriage is fun. It is great to have your best friend with you all the time. It is so cool when, after you have been married a few years and you think you know every thing, you are still discovering new things about each other. Your spouse is like a lifetime gift you get to unwrap everyday. (Cue the hearts, cherubs and rose petals.)
After 16 years of wedded, perfect bliss, I deemed myself the one to dole out unsolicited advice. You are welcome. :) So what do you need to know so you can have the perfect marriage like mine?
Riggghhhht....ok, so not perfect but after 16 years we are together and that says something right? And regarding that lifetime gift? Well, most days it is, but sometimes it's like a Uni Bomber package that has caught you unaware. So in my effort to save you some struggles, cause you know I hate to see you hurt, here's a few things I have learned.
First of all, EXPECTATIONS. Expectations, everyone has them. The dance, the success, comes in our ability to acknowledge them and to express them. A small scale example: I come home and the house isn't what I would expect it should look like and I am mad. It was MY expectation that the sink would not only be empty but scrubbed clean, all messes would be picked up and the floor would be spotless. However, if I do not express what "clean" is to me. My husband is left to guess and do the best he can with what he feels clean is. A wise counselor told me once to use the phrase "I need..." It is how I acknowledge that I am not communicating what my expectations are and that I am getting frustrated at Steve's lack of mind reading skills. As couples we don't have expectations just about household chores. They are everywhere from how to hang the toilet paper, to what we are doing on Friday night. to how much money we save, to how much sex we have, to how our kids are raised. EVERYONE comes into a marriage with their own life experiences and a vision with what life is going to look like. That's fine but remember the other one in the marriage has done the same thing. And when those visions clash, that's when conflict starts. Every time you become frustrated ask yourself, is this an unspoken expectation that is not being met for me? If the answer is yes, take a deep breath and a time out and figure out how to best express that expectation and what (if anything) your spouse can do.
Which brings me to my next point. Here's the deal. Steve and I have had our struggles. From our own baggage prior to marrying, to postpartum depression, to losing his mom and my dad within a month of each other, midlife career change, financial issues, moving 6 people 1300 miles from everything we all had ever known and everything in between. Through the power of Christ, an extremely supportive family, a gifted counselor and good friends we are still here. I wish could tell you one thing that Steve did to change to make me happy and make our marriage work but I can't. The change came within me. The change came one day when suddenly realized I was fighting what God made him to be. I was fighting who he was to the core and that wasn't going to change. I was fighting good things (passion, loyalty, a strong work ethic, a need to provide for his family) but they didn't line up with my expectations or vision about what I thought life should look like so I fought them. When I could finally take a step back and see my selfishness. When I could stop comparing him to others and our marriage to other marriages. When I could set down my pride and need to be right. I could then see the man God made for me. I could see him in a whole new light. And that's when change came. Lesson learned: Quit trying to fix the other person when it is actually yourself that probably needs to change.
As a husband, Steve is great. He does a lot of things really well, however, if I could pick the one thing he has done consistently well since day 1 is call me "Beautiful." Every day. Now that was appropriate a decade and a half a go in my wedding gown with my hair just so and a body of a young 20 something. That was before 4 kids, gray roots, and a slllooowwweeddd metabolism. Yet he still says it and I usually say something like "I am glad you think so" in a self deprecating way. But inside it makes me feel really good. Affirm each other.
Faith...you gotta have faith...it's true. You need to have a shared faith. You need to have a faith you can share with each other. Be able to pray for and with each other. I am telling you there is NOTHING more powerful to draw you closer. For each marriage that looks different. Accept what works for you guys. Don't try to be what others expect or you think others expect. But don't accept that nothing is ok. Be involved in a community of believers who will be able to walk along side of you in good times and bad. The ones who will step in a pray for you. The ones who stick around in the tough times because they aren't afraid because know how big God is and will be able to keep showing you his love. Start where you are and commit to grow closer to each other and to Christ.
That's the highlights. Of course you know, I am an open book and I am honest to a fault. I am here for you to listen, pray, encourage, whatever you need.
Love you!
Your loving, cool, and most awesome Aunt,
Joy
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