Going Home Again

I sit down to type this am with a little trepidation.  I ask first for your grace and understanding for all thoughts on this blogs are my own and they are my perceptions of my life.  If any of you who read this know my family, everything you know about them is true.  We are a bold, laughing, busy, laughing, giving, laughing, loving, laughing, crazy bunch.  But for anyone who finds themselves in a family of 50 or of 5 you find there is an internal struggle and that's what I am going to try to lay out for you.
We have been in Florida for a little over 1 1/2 yrs.  This Christmas is the first holiday we will be "going back" for.  I promised my mom a long time ago we'd be back.  And back we will be.  And so the plans for travel, gift logistics, different family Christmases,  lodging, family pictures and seeing old friends other logistics began.
And one night I woke up with a full on panic attack-hyperventilation, fingers tingling, cramps in my extremities and it only took me 3 seconds to feel what what looming on me.  Going back....  And I have tried to express it to a couple of people and they talked to me and heard me and promised to pray for me.  And it's through those things I am better able to articulate what's really going on in my head.  Because my heart is ready to see my big, loving, laughing family.  I am ready to cuddle babies.  I am ready to talk and touch base.  I am ready to make memories.  I am ready to hug on my mom and my sisters and their families.  My heart is ready.  In fact as I  type my sweet niece mention me in a facebook thread and how she is excited to see me and my family and I am in tears.   So sweet.  I'm so not worthy.
I finally reached a revelation came this weekend as we watched Four Christmases.  That movie cracks me up but for the first time I got it.  It's about a couple who have avoided family Christmases for years and this year they are "forced" by weather and circumstances to go to 4 Christmases of  their families.  What I realized at the end is that its not the craziness of the families they were trying to avoid but how they feel about themselves in that family unit.
Let me put this in it's own paragraph.  It's not about the family but how one feels about themselves and how they perceive themselves and feel about themselves in this family unit.  Away from the family they were successful, strong people.  Before they even walked in the door of the house they became small and afraid.  I get that.
My family views me positively (I think pretty much.)  My nieces and nephews love me.  I am a cool aunt. :)  I think they would be surprised to hear this insecurity.  Where does it come from?  My sisters don't body slam me like Vince Vaughn's brothers or make catty remarks like Reese Witherspoon's sister.
Well, a couple of reasons I suppose.  Home is where you are known the longest and the best.  Your family has seen the best and worst of you.  And a distinct disadvantage to being the youngest is that everyone has seen your whole life-good, bad and otherwise. My older sisters had a life and history before me or at least my child hood memories and I don't know it. When we get together I love family stories because I am still learning about life before me.
Because in a family you are so well known it makes you a little vulnerable.  You know that at any point anyone of them can bring up a past hurt or a known weakness.  Every family does it whether intentionally or innocently.  But it's a very vulnerable feeling especially if you are like me.
By like me I mean a person who carries around shame and embarrassment over mistakes and failures.  And I have a few and my family knows them.  And I feel like I walk around family gatherings with failures written all over me.
I mean I know God has forgiven me.  I know God wipes my slate clean.  I know, that I know, that I know He LOVES me just because he made me. It took me the better part of 30 something years to begin to wrap my arms around that.  It just doesn't feel that easy from the people who have known and loved you for your entire life.
Am I a mess?  Ummm...yes. Am I believing a lot of lies from the enemy of my soul right now?  Absolutely yes?  Do I need victory in this area?  YES.  Do I worry that my family will be caught a little off guard and maybe a little sad to hear all this? yes Do I want them to do anything different?  NO this is my battle.
What I want my nieces and nephews to know is "I love you guys. There is NOTHING you could have said or done in your life that would make me love you less.  Been there done that.  Might chew you out a little but only because I love you and I don't want you to carry the baggage I carry. It takes too long to unload."
To my sisters and mom I would say "Grace, all is grace.  I think we all struggle in our "role" in the family.  I think we all feel a little vulnerable.  It's ok. I love you.  We all love you. I put this out there so not one of us feels alone.  You are important in your own world and you are important in our family world too."
I still believe our family's verse is "He has filled our mouths with laughter and tongues with songs of joy.  Then it was said among the nations, the Lord has done great things for them." Psalm 126:2  We are very blessed.
I am adding  "We love because He first loved us."  1 John 4:19 as our Christmas verse and my prayer that in the stress and business of  Christmas that we won't forget the Love we are celebrating and that we are very intentional in heaping that love on one another and our beautiful families.
I hope anyone who reads this and is wondering "That's great but my family is not as cool as yours."  Understand this, you first need to know how God sees you.  Let me help.  He sees you as so loved, so precious, so beautiful and he sent his only Son to live on this broken planet and then die for you.  When you know that love it will spill out to everyone else. The real challenge (yours and mine) comes in accepting and receiving the love and grace of other people.  Any thought that keeps you from receiving that love is an arrow of the enemy who is trying to keep you from your best life and your best relationships.  It's all meant to keep you in the dark. Grab the truth. Believe Jesus loves you and you deserve to be loved.  Take any thoughts that counter that captive and start smashing them. (2 Corinthians 10:5)  Seriously now, do it.  Don't wait.
Love and be loved friend,
joy

My Resting Place

I had a million things to do this morning.  The house is tore up, the laundry is piled up, the dishes aren't leaping into the dishwasher by themselves.
But in spite of all that  "my heart heard you say, "Come and talk with me." and my heart responds "LORD, I am coming." (Psalm 27:7-8)  So I grabbed my little pink Bible, a Mt Dew and set out on foot due east until I found myself at one of my favorite spots.

The surf is big this morning and I can see that overnight the water has come  up to the steps.  There is seaweed all over the beach.  The waves are roaring and there is not a soul in the water.  The waves are such right now that they really look like they could swallow you up.

I am in awe and I search "ocean" on my Bible software.  I didn't have to go far for a "first mention."   "In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth.  The earth was formless and empty and darkness covered the deep waters.  And the Spirit of God was hovering over the surface of the the waters."  And I think to myself  "Is this what draws me here?  Is it because before everything else there was God and the deep waters?"  (I don't know but its true but its what crossed my mind) And in a few verses He makes it all take shape "God spoke:"Separate! Water-beneath-Heaven, gather into one place; Land, appear!" And there it was.  God named the land Earth.  He named the pooled water Ocean. God saw that it was good."

I saw a man pull a fishing net out of the seaweed.  I thought of Peter and his brother and how they just dropped their nets when Jesus called them.  I have a heart for Peter.  I wonder if when he made that decision to leave all he knew to follow Christ's call he thought he'd done the hardest part.  Just sayin.
I watched these little birds on the sand (they were too fast to take pictures of) and because I am prone to fear and a bit of anxiety, I remember "What is the price of 5 sparrows-two copper coins?  Yet God does not forget a single one of them.....So don't be afraid; you are more valuable than a whole flock of sparrows." (Luke 12:6-7)

My heart was full as this psalm (and favorite praise song) came up in my search.  "Shout to the LORD all the earth.....Let the sea and everything in it shout it's praise!  Let everything in it join in!"  (Psalm 98:7)

I know the world is busy.  I know life is hard.  Trust me I know this.  If you find yourself, tired, weary, unable to do it anymore, find some quiet time for you.  Take the time to rest in His care or lay your burdens before Him.  Cry, yell, sit in silence.  He can take it. Let Him bind your wounds, give you a place to rest. You don't have to get cleaned up.  He'll take you right as you are.  He loves you so very much.   I do too.
Be blessed.
joy

Mom Mondays Vol 1

So I've noticed some bloggers dedicate certain days of the week to certain themes.  So I thought I would try "Mom Monday's"  I chose this because after having a weekend with the children I need to debrief and this seems like a great forum to do it.
I always have great visions for the weekend.  I especially cherish my weekend because I work 1/2 of them and so I want to make the most of the 26 per year I have off.  So this causes me to put a ton of EXPECTATIONS on the limited time we have together.  I want to make memories, I want to complete projects, I want to clean, I want to play, I want to have peace, I want family time, I want couple time, I want me time, I want resign from motherhood by Sunday evening because it wasn't all I thought it should be and the kids didn't act the angels I expected them to be.  It's the reason the Real Housewives and Kardashians are so popular on my TV on Sunday evening.   It's comforting to see a bigger train  wreck than mine.
Sigh....will I ever learn?  Baby steps people, baby steps.  I think part of the pressure I put on myself is the realization that time is FLYING by.  I can't stand it.  I look at my 14 year old and I don't see 14, I see 4 years shy of 18, 2 years shy of a drivers license.  And I begin to hyperventilate.  It's too fast.  I'm still learning.  Part of it is "Give me another chance to do this right."  and part of it is "The last 14 years have gone by in a heartbeat, 4 years is going to be gone in no time flat."  I need to get a grip on this.
I am thankful to be mindful of this.  On Thursday night, It's the Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown came on.  It is our tradition to watch these together.  My oldest was all about cuddling up and being in my space that night and I am a person who tends to like her space.  It wouldn't be so bad if he wasn't so big and heavy.  I started to protest when the thought came "He may have a job next year.  He may be busy with friends.  He may not want to cuddle up with his mom any more."  So I grabbed the moment and savored it.
There is a book I read when he was little.   It's called "Let Me Hold You Longer" by Karen Kingsbury.  Its a sweet book that basically says we do a great job of chronicling and celebrating firsts (first smile, first steps, first day of school, etc) but what about the lasts?  How would we respond if we knew the last time our child would wake in the night to be comforted, the last flower they pick and bring you, the last picture they color and put on the fridge, the last tuck in at night, the last  time you help with a test, the last car ride you had to give, the last conversations about romance and their future.  The book ends with a prayer I think of often:
 "Let me hold on longer, God, to every precious last."
As time accelerates, my heart is pricked by this every so often to stop, savor, enjoy the moment.  Don't take the small things for granted.  It's those things you will cherish.  It's those things that bind your family together.
I pray this blesses your mom heart this morning.
Love you,
joy

the church, anger, social justice-also known as Tuesday in my world

We went to church on Sunday.  For people who have known me this should not be significant.  I am a "church goer,"  at least I was until I found myself in a place of Sunday mornings at home and not going. I'm not going to get into all the reasons of not going.  I'm still trying to process that.  But part of it was anger and disillusionment with "church" and what it is and it's value in my world.

Anyhoo, this Sunday we went to a church that a friend invited us to go to.  And what do you think that pastor spoke about?  Anger, specifically Jesus' anger in the temple. Really, how did he know I was coming?   In Matthew 21, John 2 and Mark 11, the story of Jesus's anger in the temple courts is told.  The point on Sunday was Jesus's anger with "institutionalized religion" and how far it had gotten from what it was intended.  And I get that. I love the "church universal".  I love fellow brothers and sisters in Christ.  I have loved hearing testimonies, praying with and celebrating with them regardless of what building they worship in on Sundays.  

But I have looked at churches and conflicts in churches and wonder "How angry would Jesus be if he came into this meeting?"  A church puts on a nice face on Sunday mornings but when you get to looking at how pastors are treated and interactions in "private meetings" that are mean, I wonder "Is this how Jesus called us to treat each other?  Or treat anyone for that matter?"  What is it in a church that fills people with this "I am so clearly right and you are so obviously wrong" attitude and why is it in a church that people feel like its ok to just spout that off and be unwilling to give.  I have witnessed these conflicts from afar and I have been in the thick of it.  It's real and I don't have the answers to why.  But the pastor pointed out on Sunday that in the paragraph immediately following where Jesus "loses it" he goes on  with his ministry. (Matthew 21:12-14).  He doesn't stew, he doesn't take time to hash it out with his disciples, he doesn't need to tell everyone his side and sway them with his arguments, he doesn't pout, he doesn't send nasty emails, he doesn't go directly to the high priest and tell him what a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad job he is doing and he's got to go.  No, no he doesn't do that.  He goes on with his ministry.  Now that was a point well taken and I pray that whoever is lead to read this and whoever needs to hear it that the Holy Spirit is sitting heavy and the conviction (NOT condemnation) is present.  If you are struggling wtih anger and the church, follow Jesus's example of righteous anger, deal with it and go on with your ministry.  

I studied this same story as John recounted it with a friend a couple of years ago.  You can find it in John 2.  We noticed that it is consistently mentioned about overturning the people selling doves.  In Leviticus (I think) it talks about how if you couldn't afford a "big" offering, you could offer a dove.   In fact, Jesus's parents offered the doves in Matthew when they presented him at the temple, which told me he grew up not as a person of wealth but among the poor.  And maybe the poor where being charged too much for the doves.  Maybe they were being taken advantage of. And when we studied that passage my thought was about Jesus's anger for injustice for the poor.  And it's ok to be angry about that too.  It's ok to be angry about cruelty, injustice, and bullying.  

Let me tell you a story.  I had a patient.  He was homeless. He was older.  He did not have an ID because it kept getting stolen or someone took it.   He had an old head injury and his speech and his memory was affected.  He walked with a cane. He was sent out of a facility the same day with the phone number and address to a mission and money for a cab.  He chose to go to the liquor store and buy a pint of vodka.  That's where the police found him and brought him to me. Thank you very little.  He came in drunk but sobered up in a  few hours.  He knew was not familiar with the area, I think he knew a major storm was coming and he was afraid to leave because he didn't know where to go.  Now some of you would stop right there and say, he made his choice and now he needs to deal with it. And I could have too and I have said "Too bad, so sad.  Bye, bye now." to plenty of patients but there was something in this that wouldn't let me do that.  

Because of his head injury he could not tell me too much about his history, his resources or his support but he did know his mother's phone number.  So I called this sweet woman in the midwest so far from her son.  She gave me his background and I heard the hurt and fear in her voice.  And my mother's heart was pricked and I knew if one of my kids was that far away from me I would pray someone would treat them with kindness.  After much debate and discussion it was determined he could sleep in the lobby overnight and then get a cab to the mission in the morning.  Feeling good about that, I called his mom and told her he'd be ok for the night and clocked out and headed out the door.  On my way to the car, something told me to go tell him that I let him know that his mom knew he'd be ok.  I went to the lobby and couldn't find him.  I asked the security officer and he said that he was getting his things together to leave.  I asked if that was what the gentleman wanted and he (the officer) said he had to go.  The rain had stopped and it was time to go.  He couldn't stay here.  Never mind that it was supposed to rain all night.  

Well, a "conversation" ensued between the officer and I about what I said was "supposed" to happen and what he said "was going to" happen.  He clearly didn't see my crown or scepter that made me queen of the world and justice and good and he wasn't hearing it.  So before I got myself into too much more trouble I left and I called my supervisor, who was at home and probably thinking he'd left that place behind him.  And he told me he'd try to make a call and I told him I'd try to forget about it  (I tend to hang on to things) and then I hung up and I cried.  Because that's what I do when I am sad and I don't know how to fix things.  And I prayed.  And I left it to Jesus.  Because he knows this man.  He knows his mom.  He knows I did all that I could do.  And He's got it all in his hand.  And that's how alot of my stories end these days.  Let it go.  Trust.  I did all I could.  I did the right thing.  right?  

Any way, anger for injustice is ok too.  

Anger for not getting your way, not ok.  Hurting people, breaking hearts, causing insecurity in anger.  Not ok. Very, very bad.  I am the first to admit, my anger is more unjustified that righteous.  But I think sometimes we who get angry, start to fall into the trap that all anger is bad.  That's not true either.  The principle to remember is "In your anger do not sin."  (Ephesians 4:26)  

And what does the Lord require of you?  To do justice, to love mercy and walk humbly with your God. (Micah 6:8)  That's not too hard.  right?

joy

Why I am thankful to be an ER nurse

It's Emergency Nurse's Week.  As I've said before, I became a nurse so that I could work with kids but my ADD brain means the ER is the best place for me to work.  I work in a 56 bed ED that sees like 65,000 patients a year.  It is the BUSIEST, most HIGH STRESS environment I have ever worked in and I LOVE it.  There have been many changes and higher than normal stress situations recently.  I have seen and heard things I don't understand. I keep reminding myself "that there for the grace of God go I."  Bad things can happen to anyone of us as nurses.  We do our best with the information we have and what we perceive and make split second decisions.  99.9% of the time we right are but when it's not, it can be devastating.  All of this has been rolling around in my head and I realized this morning it was time for a "thankful list."  When things seem most pressing my dad used to say "Count your blessings."  It has been a recurring theme in my life this year to be THANKFUL no matter what the circumstances.  So here's my list of:
WHY I AM THANKFUL TO BE AN ER NURSE

1. I never know what is going to be behind door number 1 or 32 or 53 or(wherever my assignment is) when I walk in.  For some people the unknown is a little unnerving.  For the ER nurse it's the challenge of the job.  The "chief complaint" listed on the computer screen is rarely the main issue.
2. As a nurse I sometimes have the opportunity spend a little time with patients and peel back  the layers on the patient's story.  I liken it to an analogy of an onion.  You keep peeling and you will find the real deal and it stinks most of the time and sometimes can make you cry (out of sadness, frustration, tiredness, disbelief, etc).  
3. Even if a patient is AWFUL (Awful means angry for no reason, crazy, screaming, climbing out of bed with a broken hip, on the call light every 30 seconds, demanding pain meds after doses that would put an elephant to sleep) you know you will be rid of them by discharge or admission and they will be SEP (someone else's problem) soon enough. 
4. The shift rarely drags on.  It is the usual to get started and be in perpetual motion until by tummy says "Time for a cookie and a Mt Dew" and the first half of the shift has flown by. 
5. I get to work with the most amazing group of people.  As a "mid-shifter" I get to work with both the day and night crew.  I can honestly say they are different personality types but equally great to work with.  
6. The above mentioned group of people have a crazy sense of humor and I get to laugh at work a lot.  I wish I could tell a non-ER person what's funny but you wouldn't get it. Oh and google "You might be and ER nurse if..."  They are all true. Seriously, they are.  
7. I would be remiss if I didn't mention the people who run the show-from the Director to the charge nurses and everyone in between.  I am blessed to work under stellar leadership (not just sucking up although I think Boss's Day is coming up so this counts as my tribute to them.)  I see just a snap shot of what's going on in the ER and they see and deal with it all.  They handle a crazy amount of pressure ridiculously well.  They continue to try to make the ER great place to work while meeting challenges and resistance from all angles.   Thank you to all of them.   I know you do a lot of work that we don't see.  
8. I get to hear lots of stories.   I love a person's story.  It is a blessing to my heart to ask an elderly couple "How long have you been married?"  And then not just hear "66 years" but the story of how they met.  Gives me goosebumps.
9. I am challenged and convicted in my spirit every day.  It is the easiest way to be jaded with someones' pain and be harsh right back at the patient who is screaming at you.  But I know I am called to show compassion and caring to all of my patients.  I also know that most of the time I fall short.  Really, most people just want to be heard, a warm blanket and a turkey sandwich ( a little known fact of the ER is that the turkey sandwiches are apparently so good that some people ask for one as soon as they enter the exam room!) 
10. Lastly,  I am thankful I have a job.  I am doubly blessed because I have a job I love.  I did not apply anywhere else when we moved down here and I didn't have any idea what the hospitals were like.  The job I got was the exact hours I wanted to work in a place that is great with people who are amazing.  That's another whole story and at the time I didn't know it would work out so well.  God is good.  

So that's it!!! Any others that you think of, feel free to comment -remember this is a family blog :)
Thank you to all the amazing ER nurses, medics, HUCS and CNA's I get to work with everyday.  You are all a blessing to me.  

joy

When your child's not like the others...

Let me tell you about my daughter.  She is the only girl with 3 brothers.  She is a blond haired, blue-eyed, tall, and beautiful by the world's definition.  But as beautiful she is on the outside she is 100 times more beautiful on the inside.  She is loving, kind, empathetic, caring, giving, sweet by nature.  She makes friends everywhere she goes.  Others are drawn to her sweet light.
And this morning I sit here in tears for her.  As a mom one of the hardest things to hear is "Your child isn't like the other kids."  To keep in in perspective, she's not sick, she doesn't have an incurable disease.  I know parents who have dealt with far worse with their kids.  I know that.  My head knows that.  For some reason, after a meeting with her teacher this morning my heart hurts.
She has a language processing disorder, which basically means she doesn't process words spoken or read, the way a "normal" child does.  From kindergarten through 2nd grade a child learns to read, after that they read to learn.  If they are not processing well they fall behind pretty quickly.  She also has trouble knowing that her addition facts are the same every time and don't need to be recalculated.  She has memorized very few.  She has NO confidence in math.
I am hearing the teacher talk about "academic services" in addition to the speech/language therapy she gets already.  And words like "resource room,"  "held back," "special needs," fly through my head.  And I get scared.  I don't want this for my daughter.  I want her to fly through a passage and answer all the questions correctly.  I want to be able to ask her "What's 2+3?" and have her answer "5" confidently every time and not "4" or "2" or wait for her to do it on her fingers.
And because I am a mom I take all of this on me.  I go clear back to when I carried her inside of me.  I should have taken the stupid vitamins. The grief and stress I felt after dad died and my increased cortisol levels affected her developing brain.  Didn't I talk to her enough as an infant?  Was I so sad I forgot to?  Did I work to much?  Did having her younger brother born 20 months after her affect hinder my ability to monitor her development?   Did she have a good daycare?  Did she spend too much time in daycare?  Was it too much time in the car going with me to work 45 minutes each way?  Too much TV?  Should the fact that she could not remember her colors until preschool clue me in to a bigger problem and was there more I should have done then?  How long did she have hearing loss before she finally got tubes?  How long did she have loss before she got the 2nd and then 3rd set of tubes?  What could I have been/done differently so that my sweet girl would not have to struggle now?   My heart breaks.
I know I can't change the past.  I am scared and intimidated when I look at all the time and resources she is going to need to hopefully get caught up.  I believe a lie that I have failed miserably thus far, how can I help her at all going forward?  I am not equipped.  I don't have time to devote one on one with 3 other kids that need my attention after school too.  How am I going to do this?  I can't.  Right?
The Truth:
Whatever I have, wherever I am, I can make it through anything in the One who makes me who I am."  Philippians 4:13 The Message
I don't feel it right now but I have to believe that God who made me and made my girl didn't make a mistake in how how he made us and he didn't make a mistake giving her to me to raise.  And she and I can and will make it through any thing.  I will remember all the wonderful things he made when he made her.  I know he will use that heart of gold for his kingdom.  My job is to protect that spirit.  To show her and build on the strengths she has focus less on the weaknesses.  
I would covet your prayers for strength, wisdom and patience as we navigate through this.  Thanks for hearing me this morning.  
Blessings,
joy

Love lessons....

An open letter to my sweet nephew and his girlfriend who became engaged a few weeks ago,

I am sad to not be closer to share in all the planning and engagement festivities.  Know you are close to my heart and this is my attempt at giving you what I would give you over time if I were closer but now you get it all in one big letter.

I am so excited for you guys.  Marriage is fun.  It is great to have your best friend with you all the time.  It is so cool when, after you have been married a few years and you think you know every thing, you are still discovering new things about each other.  Your spouse is like a lifetime gift you get to unwrap everyday.  (Cue the hearts, cherubs and rose petals.) 

After 16 years of wedded, perfect bliss, I deemed myself the one to dole out unsolicited advice. You are welcome.  :)  So what do you need to know so you can have the perfect marriage like mine?  

Riggghhhht....ok, so not perfect but after 16 years we are together and that says something right?  And regarding that lifetime gift? Well, most days it is, but sometimes it's like a Uni Bomber package that has caught you unaware.  So in my effort to save you some struggles, cause you know I hate to see you hurt, here's a few things I have learned.  

First of all, EXPECTATIONS.  Expectations, everyone has them.  The dance, the success, comes in our ability to acknowledge them and to express them.  A small scale example:  I come home and the house isn't what I would expect it should look like and I am mad.  It was MY expectation that the sink would not only be empty but scrubbed clean, all messes would be picked up and the floor would be spotless.  However, if I do not express what "clean" is to me.  My husband is left to guess and do the best he can with what he feels clean is.  A wise counselor told me once to use the phrase "I need..."  It is how I acknowledge that I am not communicating what my expectations are and that I am getting frustrated at Steve's lack of mind reading skills.  As couples we don't have expectations just about household chores.  They are everywhere from how to hang the toilet paper, to what we are doing on Friday night. to how much money we save, to how much sex we have, to how our kids are raised.  EVERYONE comes into a marriage with their own life experiences and a vision with what life is going to look like.  That's fine but remember the other one in the marriage has done the same thing.  And when those visions clash, that's when conflict starts.  Every time you become frustrated ask yourself, is this an unspoken expectation that is not being met for me?  If the answer is yes, take a deep breath and a time out and figure out how to best express that expectation and what (if anything) your spouse can do.

Which brings me to my next point.   Here's the deal.  Steve and I have had our struggles.  From our own baggage prior to marrying, to postpartum depression, to losing his mom and my dad within a month of each other, midlife career change,  financial issues,  moving 6 people 1300 miles from everything we all had ever known and everything in between.  Through the power of Christ, an extremely supportive family, a gifted counselor and good friends we are still here.  I wish could tell you one thing that Steve did to change to make me happy and make our marriage work but I can't.  The change came within me.  The change came one day when suddenly realized I was fighting what God made him to be.  I was fighting who he was to the core and that wasn't going to change.  I was fighting good things (passion, loyalty, a strong work ethic, a need to provide for his family) but they didn't line up with my expectations or vision about what I thought life should look like so I fought them.  When I could finally take a step back and see my selfishness.  When I could stop comparing him to others and our marriage to other marriages.  When I could set down my pride and need to be right.  I could then see the man God made for me.   I could see him in a whole new light.  And that's when change came.  Lesson learned:  Quit trying to fix the other person when it is actually yourself that probably needs to change.  

As a husband, Steve is great.  He does a lot of things really well, however, if I could pick the one thing he has done consistently well since day 1 is call me "Beautiful."  Every day.  Now that was appropriate a decade and a half a go in my wedding gown with my hair just so and a body of a young 20 something.  That was before 4 kids, gray roots, and a slllooowwweeddd metabolism.  Yet he still says it and I usually say something like "I am glad you think so" in a self deprecating way.  But inside it makes me feel really good.  Affirm each other.  

Faith...you gotta have faith...it's true.  You need to have a shared faith. You need to have a faith you can share with each other.  Be able to pray for and with each other.  I am telling you there is NOTHING more powerful to draw you closer.  For each marriage that looks different.  Accept what works for you guys. Don't try to be what others expect or you think others expect.  But don't accept that nothing is ok.  Be involved in a community of believers who will be able to walk along side of you in good times and bad.  The ones who will step in a pray for you.  The ones who stick around in the tough times because they aren't afraid because know how big God is and will be able to keep showing you his love.  Start where you are and commit to grow closer to each other and to Christ.  

That's the highlights.  Of course you know, I am an open book and I am honest to a fault.  I am here for you to listen, pray, encourage, whatever you need.  

Love you!

Your loving, cool, and most awesome Aunt,

Joy